Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Training and bathroom renos.

Ahhhh. The joys of annual training budgets. I have money to spend, but no idea what I want to do with it. I can't take notes training because it's future is up in the air here. So I search for *something* that'll get me out of here and have someone else foot the bill.

Vegas appears to be out. I'm not sure I could convince them the DevConnections conference is right for me. So I'm trying to find either JDeveloper or Leadership courses somewhere. As usual, the soundtrack for my day is the Batman Begins soundtrack :) I am... so NOT a superhero.

Bathroom. Tiles. Yikes. Tried to get my ex to pick up my vanity. Nope. He's not around. Running out of options. Either T's Dad's truck or getting the place to deliver. Hell, I already spent far too much, what's another $40????

I'm not ready to pick out tiles. Although the change in faucet finish really helped. I think that was part of my block before. I was going to have a warm coloured bathroom - tiles, paint, etc...with satin nickel faucets. Well, and the decision to replace the vanity helped as well. What the hell. It's only money, right?

Went for Chicken for lunch today with Stephajn. He's moving to PA of all places so I had to get a last lunch in with him. And babble about my reno plans, of course.

I think I have this "first my bathroom, then hardwood..... Then the WORLD!!!!" attitude going on. Well, ok, maybe in the middle I'll paint or something. It might be a tad early for the world.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Well, here goes.

The reason for this blog. Working through what's bugging me.

I'm questioning who I am.People tell me I'm amazing, then they want nothing to do with me. Apparently there's this amazing part. And the not-so-amazing part.

Emotions. In me, they're powerful. Consuming. The urge to laugh is one I can't subdue. I laugh. I giggle. I smile. At AU, people used to walk by my office and say they could tell what kind of day I was having with just a glance. My face showed it all. Not so good when you're not working when you should be. But my curse regardless.

I live life. Fully. Good. Bad. Ugly. I experience it. I involve my heart. I involve all of me. On one hand it's good. For those people who matter, it means that I care about them with all my heart. It means... a lot of things.

The bad... My emotions are there for all to see. If I'm disappointed, I can't hide it. Hurt. Angry.

This is why my last relationship ended. He didn't deal well with the bad side of my emotions. He didn't like feeling guilty when I was disappointed. Can't say I blame him. So it ended.

I'm not perfect. I'm me. Will my emotions cause another relationship to tank? Am I that bad? What makes me think that another guy will think I'm amazing enough to be worth the grief of the emotions?

I have an offer for help on my bathroom. And it terrifies the hell outta me. What if the offer for help disintigrates after they get to know me. They decide that they can't even be with me for a couple hours to reno a bathroom? What if I get abandoned mid project and don't know what to do?

What if all of these people are right about me? I'm not worth it? Not even as a friend?

Amazing. Ha. "Wow, it's amazing how truly fucked up you are." Or maybe "It's amazing how someone so smart can't control her emotions." Amazing. Maybe it isn't the good thing I wanted to believe it was.

Girl with a dremmel.

Never mentioned this. My dremmel came one day this week... Tuesday I think. Heh heh... girl with a new power tool! It even cuts tile! Sands, cuts, cleans, polishes! Next up, scraping paint off that stupid patio set and painting it. Apparently it even files toenails... dunno why a guy knew that...

Woo hoo, toys.

If shopping is therapy

Then I should be good for months, if not years to come. Got me a faucet, a vanity, a roman tub filler, and all the fun little towel hanging accessories. Just missing the tile. Had a moment of indecision at the point of ordering.

No indecision on the bath fixtures though. Rustic bronze, Ashfield single-lever lavatory faucet and Ashfield roman tub filler. Ashfield accessories - all rustic bronze. All in stock. Including the vanity. It was fate. Destiny. Meant to be.

Well, ok, I don't have ALL of it yet. Couple pieces did have to be ordered, and the vanity wouldn't fit in my car - go fig. But my ex-husband has this here bear skull in my living room that he wants back. I might just drag him out on a little truck related errand with me when everything comes in.

I really was surprised they'd have the rustic bronze fixtures in stock. She gave me a discount on all of 'em - only slightly more than the satin nickel woulda cost. I'd say it was because I'm so darned pretty, but... she was a she... Real nice woman. Showroom manager yet.

SO excited. This bathroom is coming together. Well, ok, three week wait on the drain assembly for the tub so I'm still slightly stalled, but I'll deal with that.

*takes a deep breath*

Lookit me go.

Off to spend lotsa money

Reno shopping. Eeek. Today is THE day. The day that I go make the orders and put the money down. Making my bathroom... mine.

It's funny. Found this tarot site www.llewellyn.com/free/tarot.php. All of my readings come up saying something about a big project, creativity and stuff like that. Using the Fairy Ring deck, I got:

"When Wayland Smith appears in the cards, he indicates a period of hard work, creation, craftsmanship, knowledge, skill, and mastery. Opportunities and success are at hand, and your efforts will bring rewards. Wayland also indicates, in some sense, transmutation, and forging new things from the old."

Hmmm.. kinda seems to be pointing at a renovation huh?

Even better was the next card in that same layout... " Queen Mab arrives in the cards to deliver dreams, wishes, and longings as yet unfulfilled, but also new ideas, insights, creativity, fertility, and inspiration to help you fulfill your dreams. Dare to dream and dare to live the dream. Don’t let others deflect you from what you truly want. "

The next card is puzzling though. "' When Tryamour appears in your cards, she implies a choice of some kind. In this case, you are deciding with your heart, rather than your head. However, you should consider carefully, as all options have far-reaching consequences. If the card is well aspected (surrounded by helpful cards), it can point to harmony and true love. If it is badly aspected, it shows that a relationship will be tested to the breaking point."

Ok, so my relationship WAS tested to the breaking point. It broke. I see a lot of things clearly around that now. BUT The cards surrounding that card were positive. Which means harmony and true love. I think it's clear the harmony wasn't there. True love? I'll never know. So what does this mean? What choice do I have? Bathroom reno or Tigger? Well, at least there is harmony and true love.

Little dude slept on my pillow all night with his paws on my shoulder so he'd know if I moved. Haven't I wished once before he was a guy?

So, based on my tarot... I'm gonna go do the bathroom reno. Apparently good things will come with it. Maybe a cute plumber? Heh, let's be realistic. A finished bathroom in and of itself is reward enough. The other thing it did was show me the true nature of someone. Unfortunate, but better now than later.

I am a handywoman!

Friday, August 25, 2006


Sigh, here I sit. Looking off this little emotional ledge. Ok, the country music likely isn't helping, but I'm just at a point where it's all been too much.

There we go... superhero music. The Batman Begins Soundtrack.

So, I cried picking out a card for my grandma. Today I find out that she's at home with a bunch of new medications to take - and no idea which medication when, how much or how often. EEEeeek. Not so much the best strategy. Mom and dad went in and helped out with that.

It's harvest. Not exactly a time when my family has an excess of time to check on my grandparents. Sure, my sister-in-law will. But still.

I'm starting a bathroom reno that has me terrified. I think I can do it, but it always helps to have... help. Mom suggested Dad and Darcy may be able to use my vanity in the new shop. It's a good point. Maybe I can trade that for some help if things go sideways on me while I do this.

I'm just unsettled. Anxious. Feet are itching, but I've got no place to go. Nose is itching, but I lack a fool to kiss. I feel stagnant and invisible. Almost booked Vegas this afternoon. What good would that do, besides make me more invisible? I want to run, but I've got nowhere to run.

The tarot cards speak of change. Lots of change. Kinda a recurring theme there. Duh. Heartbreak, loneliness... really it's just a whole bunch of cheery sentiments. A new cycle beginning. Blah blah blah.

I'm overwhelmed and no one seems to get it. I don't even get it. It's not like there's that much going on.

So, once again... a scream of frustration.


Thursday, August 24, 2006

Who me? An emotional wreck? Nahhhhh

Sigh. It's that time of month. I hate that I turn into a pool of emotional jello every month like clockwork.I'd love to change that, but, sadly, biology determined I could only be rational 3/4 of the time. Yay me.

Tonight, I'm standing in London Drugs shopping for a get well card for Grandma. Harmless right? Wrong. I got to the point where I could barely hold back the tears. There I am, in public - a grown adult - fighting back tears. Wishing I could just curl up and let the tears flow.

I think we're all aware that I'm emotional at the best of times, but come on. That's bad even for me. I feel like I'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown. And it sucks. Because that IS NOT ME.

On the plus side for the evening, I picked up two prints for my bathroom and got "Finding Forrester" and "Guess who's coming to Dinner" on DVD. Home depot has a TV stand I like.... Now I just need money.

Renos, leaky roofs and doggy dentists.

Woke up yesterday to more water in my bedroom from that leak. Yep, the rain came hard and fast with a wind and the leak... leaked. Will be talking to a coworker to find out what he did with his roof leak (who he called) and then getting on THAT ASAP.

Had the day off yesterday so I did what I needed to do (dr & counsellor) and then headed off to do what I wanted to do - reno shopping. The indecision is over. Got my sink (vessel????), vanity, tile and faucets all picked out. Tonight, I order 'em and get ready to renovate. Wooo hooo.

I have a very friendly offer to help from one of T's friends. More than happy to have some advice when I need it, but my plan really is to do all of this myself - or at least as much as I can before I cry "Uncle!"

K, maybe not "Uncle." My uncle's an alcoholic who likely wouldn't be much help.

My dad, my brother will be a help, as well as T's friend. Yippee for me.

While on my search yesterday, I hit the west end. While belting out the lyrics to "Missing an Angel" (yes, I sing in my car. Loudly AND badly.) I saw a sign for an Animal Hospital and Dental clinic. Erm.... Now, I know that a toothache sucks and hurts for people, so likely the same for our 4 -legged critters...but doggie dentists? Come ON!

The good news is all my blood counts are back to normal (yay) which means I'm done with the mono (Thank GOD for that). I even went out and had a drink to celebrate. So not a drinker. The other interesting development was my counselling appointment. Hmmm, ok... ANOTHER interesting development. There were more but... well... yeah. I'm nuts enough without analyzing anything else any further.

So... counselling. Let's just say his take on my past situation with G wasn't favourable to G. In his notes he'd predicted the end, but felt I had to find out for myself. It came down to a total lack of respect. And, in hindsight, I gave G too many excuses. Let him have a relationship with me that he clearly never expected to be long term. Especially given the way he feels about his kids. His not involving me in that side of his life is very telling... NOW. I believed what he said though - and still partly do because I don't want to believe I was that much a fool, and because I really think he didn't know what to do and how to mix the two halves of his life.

Then again, it all fell apart when it came right down to me meeting the kids.

I was feeling bad for... well... for starting the fight and being angry. The counsellor said, "you don't dump someone because they got angry."

He's right.

I was a sucker because I thought I'd found someone who understood me and cared about me. The sad truth is I fulfilled a need for him, and once that got into a real relationship with committments, expectations and compromise, he couldn't handle it.

You can't have a relationship without compromise. And what he was doing to me was EXACTLY what my ex used to do. No matter what his arguments. He wanted to do everything he wanted to do to make him happy. He paid lip service to me and what I wanted. Painted my bedroom, installed a ceiling fan but didn't fix the leaky roof... never wanted to progress on the bathroom. He was too tired from work, too busy, etc. Then he ranted at me about starting stuff and never finishing. Even the painting of the bedroom. He edged... I painted. The edging he had to do again on the red wall... never done.

I see so much more clearly now. And it hurts. It sucks. He says he gave me confidence and helped me see I'm amazing.

Well, I am amazing.

So what?

Someone else has to see that amazing side of me. Or WANT to see it. They have to think that it IS amazing. They have to care about something other than themselves.

Hell, I found someone who claimed to love me for who I am - and look how that worked out. How the hell am I going to find someone else who bothers to get to know me much less fall for me... and heaven forbid...stay with me.

It was all a lie. I lived my life in this lie. Desperately wanting to believe that someone existed out there for me. That happily ever after was possible.

I'm still me, and I've had two men say that I'm great, they love me, but... they can't be with me.

How is that great?

Monday, August 21, 2006

End of a battle.

Another interesting tarot card.

"You are at the end of a battle. Are you the winner or the loser? In either case, what was lost and what was won? Was it worth it? What have you learned from the experience?"

My answers shall remain my own. But it's an interesting thing to contemplate.

Gifts to share.

"You have achieved a place of comfortable abundance. You have much love and nurturing affection to give. You are happy with what you have and desire to share with others knowing that sharing such gifts only increases them."

That's from a tarot reading. Go me. Tarot seems to be telling me to keep busy, but not so busy I exclude people from my life. And oh yeah, don't stop dating.

*gives head a shake*

Bah. Bathroom renos. I can figure out plumbing, tile and electrical.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Congestive Heart failure.

Three little words. Put life in so much perspective.

Plumbing, paint, tile, relationships don't seem to hold as much interest or import as they did 2 hours ago.

My grandma is lying in a hospital.

Grandma. She's in her late 80's... 86? Maybe 87. Apparently I look like her. And laugh like her.

When we were kids, she was the one who looked after us come harvest time when everyone was working. She taught me to play old maid and go fish. As time went by, we started playing canasta and 500. Then golf and 5-in-a-row as her age made thinking games harder for her.

She can't remember what someone said 2 days ago, but she still remembers me having a melt down and yelling at my ex's nephew one christmas 3 or 4 years ago.

She's the person who taught me to crochet. She loves knitting and crochet and quilting. Anything to keep herself busy. Gardening. Houseplants - unlike me, she doesn't kill 'em all.

She used to square dance and go to every garage sale in town. She loves books.

She's been in my life from the start. Birthdays. Christmases.

She's still on medication, but off the oxygen.

My grandma is dying. It's a harsh reality to face. Mom said she could go at any time. Way to sugar coat it.

At her age, even if she makes it through this...sigh.

death. life. family.

Great decorating day

Well, I couldn't find many home stores open today. Go figure. But I got a number for Home Hardware to book an appointment with their designers. That way I can get their help in picking a vanity to go with my paint, tile and faucets.

I did find an old fashioned looking vanity, with sink, at home sense. But it's about $600. And likely just a little too wide.

A new development in the reno and vanity selection. The current sink is NOT centered in the vanity. It's shifted to the right. So far that it would not work with a 30" vanity without the plumbing being moved.

More learning for me! It's exciting. I can't wait to get started!

I did get a duvet cover today and some towels for my bathroom. Towels are the red colour of my bedroom wall. Duvet cover is a taupe colour that is slightly lighter than my wall colour. Just putting that on my bed made a huge difference in that room.

Oooh, got two wicker laundry hampers at Jysk too. And when it comes time to get a glass desk, they've got one for a reallllllllllllllllly good price. I tried to find red curtains, but no such luck. Got to keep looking for drapery, but other than that, the bedroom is done.

Well, ok, there's the stencilling that needs to be done, but I may find another way to do that too.

I am..... me.

It's simple. I mean, there isn't much else I can be. No one else I can be. I daydream and hope. I truly believe there is good in everyone...I'm rarely wrong.

I believe in fairy tales. Sure this lead me to kiss some frogs. I've since learned frogs aren't all that much fun to kiss and they don't change into princes. Toads.... well.... c'mon... I'd never kiss a toad!

I considered Sleeping Beauty. Who wouldn't want to be considered a sleeping beauty??? But the mortgage ain't gonna pay itself... no matter how much I could use the beauty sleep.

Cinderella? C'mon, me in a glass slipper? Let's consider this for a moment. I break a heel, turn an ankle.... do SOMETHING... and the next think you know - broken glass, blood everywhere.... not exactly conducive to fairy tales and happily ever afters.

So it's time to write my own fairy tale. An average girl who gets an average guy. No princes. No gowns. No long naps. No glass slippers. Nary an amphibian or reptile in sight. Some stars, laughter, tears, and a love that changes my life. I know it's out there.

In the meantime... I get a smashing bathroom. My cats get one of the most amazing people I know as their owner, groom, waiter, maid, etc. And my life moves on. A snail's pace at times, but maybe that's just a reminder to live in the moment - whatever the moment is.

Because I am amazing. No one gets to take THAT away from me.

I've learned that whatever happens, it won't kill me. I'm divorced. I've owned a few houses. I live a long way away from my family. I've lost loved ones and shed many a tear for those who matter to me. Tomorrow comes. Those who get me, are still here in my life. Those who don't get me, fade out and disappear. This was never so clear as Wed. night when I attempted to go to wings with the POF crowd. I've been...kicked outta the circus.

Life goes on. People come and go and overall, I've been incredibly lucky with the quality of people I let into my life. The exceptions... I let them in and I got hurt or dissapointed by it. I could shut down. Go into hiding. Pretend the world doesn't.... oh wait...that's why the bathroom reno. Well, that's my healing time. My meditation. My peeling away the layers on the onion. When it's done, I'll have a new me and a new bathroom.

And my heart will still be open. I refuse to change that which makes me....me.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I give up.

*Waits patiently for gasps of amazement*

I know. It's hard to believe. Me giving up. But I just don't think I can do it. I mean, I want my bathroom to be this perfect haven. Peace. Tranquility. My happy place. Is it wrong to consider a wine rack for the bathroom?

Anyway, I'd planned to tile it myself. "I can do that!" I told myself. But then I thought about it further. I've never tiled anything. Not even a background in windows. My bathroom isn't exactly the place to find out I don't know what I'm doing. I'll still go give the how-to thing a whirl at home depot, but let's face it... I don't want my lack of ability to ruin my happy place.

So, it's time to suck it up and get an estimate on installation. Go, pick the tiles, and understand I'll be paying for this for awhile. But it's worth it. If I have time, there's even going to be a side trip to Fabricland for the fabric for my duvet cover.

This is it. It's my home. As it's been said before, "this ain't no dress rehearsal." Might as well do what I can to make my environment what I want it to be. Baby steps, but it'll get there.

Next up. Kitchen table has to go. Once I find somethign, I'll sell mine at work. Then laminate throughout. At least Dad and Darcy are good with the laminate and by the time I'm ready for that, it'll be winter and they'll have time.

Yay me.

I have a flaw.

Oh... drop the fake surprised look. I know. I have many. We all do - in theory. Refusing to accept we have flaws may be considered a huge flaw. But what do I know?

Anyway, this post is about a specific flaw. Optimism.

What's that, you say? How can Optimism be a flaw? Well, let me just say that normally it isn't. There are two sides to every quality though. Sometimes the good can have a bad. Usually when it's taken too far.

Well, for me. I have this stupid belief that everyone is good. So I deliberately seek out the good. I try to find the good rather than looking for the bad. I'll even intentionally excuse the bad. "Well, sure, my cat spreads hear all over my freshly vacuumed carpets every night, but she's just doing it because she doesn't think a house is a home without a little cat hair." "Maybe she's just tired of shedding it all herself only to have it end up in the comb rather than marking her territory."

Nope. She's just nuts.

Ok, so you're still waiting to know why this is a flaw? Because few people do this. So I end up giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes repeatedly. And when it comes down to it, I don't get the same. I end up feeling betrayed. Hurt.

For awhile, I'll hide. That life will disappear out of my eyes while I try to deal with reality and the fact that there are people out there who do the opposite. They look for the bad and ignore the good. They read what they want to in whatever they see. They don't look at context. They dont' look at the situation and the won't take a minute to think about the PERSON behind the situation.

A human. With feelings and rash resonses to things. Regrets. Pain.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Clutter, mono and life.

Well, it's Monday. Sun came up, world seems to be moving on regardless of what I want so...might as well go with it. Someone knows something I don't. Hell, a lot of people know things I don't know. Like what you're thinking right now. Or what colour of carpet is in the hotel rooms I stare at every day from my little cube. Or how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Woodchucks (giggle)... there's this slot machine in the Vegas airport...

But I digress. I'm not here to talk about wood, chucking or slot machines.

Well, then, what am I here to talk about? Me, of course. This is the one place that it really is all about me. Let me have that, would ya?


Yesterday I cleaned. Cleaned my kitchen, did laundry, vacuumed - where the HELL does all that cat hair come from???? I only have 2! And to make it worse, I combed Bailey yesterday. This morning, I find the comb I used laying on my bedroom floor. My freshly vacuumed floor covered in the hair she pulled out of the comb. Yes. I knew better.

I have too much of my mom and grandma in me. I grew up on a farm. There are times of the year that there's too much to be done outside the house and the housework goes undone. You need to have a tolerance for clutter, or at least such tolerance will be forced on you. Well, tolerance or insanity. So I can deal with it if there are magazines on my coffee table or dirty dishes on the counter.

Or so I thought. Last night, I walked into my bedroom after all of my hard work (I so hate cleaning), and it was refreshing. Instead of feeling all this negativity about the work that needed to be done... it was clean. Spacious. The clutter distracted from what I'd done in there. I'd focus on the bad and ignore the rest. The great paint on the walls - even if it needs a touch up here and there. The ceiling fan. The potential.

I was excited. Which isn't conducive for sleeping, but that's what those other pills are for. No, not sleeping pills. This prescription the doc gave me to settle my mind down at night.

Anyway...apparently the pills don't help with daily distractions and tangents! I got thinking about what I want again. And what I want is my bedroom done. I want it to be like crashing in a hotel every night. Of course that also means keeping it clean after this is all done. Or hiring a maid.... I think keeping it clean myself is the better plan.

I want my bathroom done. Complete with new faucets and tile. I want curtains, and laminate. I want a duvet cover and new bathroom towels.

There are some things in life I can't control. My environment is something I can control. Ok, so I hate cleaning and tidying. Seems so responsible and grown up. But it's better than the alternative - that dragged down feeling one gets when their environment is a mess.

Avoid this like the plague. Seriously. Ok, it likely won't kill you. And it isn't quite plague-worthy when it comes to being contagious, but it sucks. Seriously. It's been about a month now for me having it. I've lost at least 10 lbs. I still have no appetite. Forced myself to make a pancake for breaky yesterday. Ate half of it. Ditto the S'getti marinara I made for supper last night.

Let's face it, the weight isn't going to be missed, but it's still pretty crappy to feel like this. At least the exhaustion is gone. Went for a walk Friday night in the rain. Walked from my place, down to 153, over to 97th, up to the Save On-foods and back to my place through Eaux Claires. About an hour for all of that and it made me feel good. Then I had a bath to warm up and head to bed. I think that the walk is going to become a nightly thing.


I need one. Kidding. I have one. And it's pretty good. Great job, amazing friends, cool cats (attention seeking, hair producing, puke machines....), a nice condo, nice car. My feet are fairly well planted on the ground, although I've been known to expect too much. I can travel. I can do the renos. I had someone in my life who showed me the person I can be. And I'll appreciate that forever.

I'm a loner. That's part of my problem. I really just don't like people. Apparently shyness is all about being self centered. It's an interesting take on it. I shouldn't say I don't like people. People are fine. There are even some great people (see my friends), but there are a lot of people who aren't so great. After you've been exposed to them enough times you just figure what's the point? It's going to denigrate into gossip, backstabbing and pain in the end. Take POF for a prime example.

Shy? Nah. Self protective? Yep. I like to get a feel for things before I jump in with both feet. Feel for people. It doesn't help that I'm different. In a good way. I mean, I am who I am. I quilt and cross stitch and own power tools. I don't do the bar thing. I tend to not drink much at all. I curl and watch hockey and ignore the news. It's not like I have a lot of conversation jumping off points.

Ah well. I can be self centered. I mean, ignoring the news would indicate that in and of itself, wouldn't it? But I just don't see the point of dragging my life down with endless bad news stories. You never see "man helps seniors cross busy street" reports. The front page is devoted to tragedy, war, crime. Somewhere in the middle there's that article about the guy who saved a dog from the river or something - if it even gets reported.

It's that kind of thing that has created a society that is cynical and angry. Terrorism is going to happen whether I know about it or not. People die. Things burn. Wars are waged. Boom... Bust. There's nothing I can do to control it or stop it. The important stuff is going to be related to me in other ways - radio in the morning, conversations with friends, terror alerts in email at work.

I've been asked how I stay so positive. How I have so much life in me. Maybe it's because I don't let the world drain the life from me. It hasn't made me bitter and cold. Sure, I'm likely viewing life through rose coloured glasses. Big deal. I'm HAPPY.

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands....

Sheesh, why so few people clapping?

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Life. Love. Anger.

How do people do it? How do they get up every day and move through a world that's so uncaring? So harsh?

It's not who I am. I can't justify it. I can't even find reason in it.

I hate that I allowed this to happen to me. I refuse to believe there's something fundamentally wrong with me.I am who I am. It's easy to say "if you don't like it, there's the door." The problem is that who I am means opening my heart to people. Even if I don't want to. It happens. I don't have a good system of building walls. I want to believe the good. Have to believe the good.

If there is no good, what is there? If people aren't inherently good then what's the point? What reason is there for someone like me NOT to hole myself up in the house and turn to cats?

I lay on the couch today, reading. Suddenly I realized I had a Tigg on me. Stretched out. Eyes closed. Smiling...if a cat can smile. His little head resting on his legs. His paws strething to my shoulder.

And I thought... this is it. A cat. One of those critters people see as uncaring, aloof, unfriendly. And here he was on me purring. Sure, I might forget to feed him once in awhile. I go away weekends and leave him and Bails with food and water. Heck, I got Bails! I trim his nails. Flick his nose when he pisses me off in the middle of the night. And it just doesn't matter to him. He still has to sleep on my pillow. He misses me when I'm gone. He curls up and snuggles me when I'm lonely. I'm his. Fuckups and all.

It's all I ask from the people in my life. But when it comes down to it...it's a concept a cat gets. Love. Unconditional love.

I shouldn't say just cats get it. T gets it. Errr, well, not the whole love thing. But unconditional friendship. Yeah, I make mistakes. I cause the problems in my life. But she's always there for me. Same with D. And Zig. No judgement. No anger. Well, the odd "don't be passive aggressive!" and we're back on track.

Tolerance. Forgiveness. Understanding. Why are those things so hard to find?

Friday, August 11, 2006


Tonight with G, I lost it. I lost my will to fight. I'm not sure I see what's worth all of this hurt and bullshit.

It certainly isn't worth the pain. The tears. The effort put forth so he can crow about being right. And telling me there's no way I didn't knw what I was doing. Easy to say.

Harder to actually listen when I try to explain. He continually interrupted me. He didn't want to hear it.

So I'm done. The fight is gone out of me. He broke my optimism, my hope. I tried to reason with him and it went nowhere. Too much anger. No compassion. No understanding. Just anger.

And his admitting that he'd do this to me even knowing how much he's hurting me.

I just wanted it to stop. To go away. Go back to being me and G, happy and in love. But I'm not sure that's possible. This has been extremely distructive to the relationship. Trust, love, everything. So tenuous at this point as it is. Now it's diminished even further.

And all for what? Some "principle."

He thinks I was lying. Again.


Thursday, August 10, 2006

Friends in unexpected places...

Just over a year ago, I fell for this guy. He was a computer geek, liked a lot of what I liked, and just seemed like a good fit. He, of course, ran screaming. There's much to be said about how NOT ready for dating I was at the time, but it still hurt. But he wanted to stay friends. Somehow I managed to do that and get over my silly little crush.

Now, Igloo boy doesn't come out to play often - at least not with me - so I've been thrown a tad off balance. But...

This week, and last week, he's been one of the major contributors to my sanity. He's given me the kick in the ass about the way I deserve to be treated. He's told me that there is someone out there who'll meet me, see my smile, see the sparkle in my eyes and want to give me what I need. Someone who is available for the relationship I want.

And I told him where to go. First, it seemed a tad hypocritical from some guy who decided he was uninterested. Seriously, buddy, if you can't see how wonderful I am, my ex can't, the guy I'm dating could (but now doesn't see me as quite so amazing), then what the hell makes you think anyone else is going to see that????? Give your head a shake.

Then again... it wasn't that long ago that the guy I'm... uh... yeah... it wasn't that long ago that G couldn't get enough of me. He thought I was amazing. Incredible, etc, etc etc. Ok, so I ruined that in my own special way, but still. It is possible!

Anyway... on friends. I was so excited about finding a recipe for wild mushroom perogies (yippee! wahoo!) that I messaged the guy. Hey, he likes to cook, right? Pffft, he made fun of me. Apparently I need to get a life and join a user's group or something. I took that as an invitation what with him running a User's Group here in the city. Unfortunately, their next meeting is in 2 weeks. Here I was hoping for a distraction tonight.

Ah well, I got a distraction for now. Not sure if its the image of him in seafoam spandex with pink leggings doing "jazz hands" (don't ask!) or the reminder of the good old days. My days of harem building. I think I was up to juggling 5... maybe 6 guys at a time once. An age range of 24 to 43. *Shakes head* what was I thinking? Dear god. I mean, I wasn't sleeping with them all. Or any of them. I'd just end up in this situation where I had a number of guys interested at any time. And then they'd fade away. For whatever reason it just wasn't right. Me, them.... Maybe they just figured out I was always looking out for someone better.

A fond memory but one I'm not willing to return to. Crazy cat lady... a harem of critters. Sounds better. Easier on the sanity.

Better get that laminate.

Another day.

Welcome to another day in my life. Likely filled with more blog entries. No worries, like yesterday only one (or two) will get posted, the rest will stay drafts.

Love. It sucks. There are people who say "nothing's fair in love or war." Apparently for a lot of people that's true. I thought I was above that. I really did.

Too bad this wake-up call feels like I was hit by a bus.

Been listening to Shedaisy at work. It's about the safest CD I own. Well, other than one of Teri Clark's, but it wasn't in the CD case I brought.

This one rocks though. "Little goodbye's" is about a woman leaving a man because he wouldn't listen to her. Been there! Not with G though.

"I will... but" - there's a song. It's about a woman willing to be everything she sees as important for a relationship. She'll be his everything. But she won't be a his dirty secret, his cure-all pill, a barbie doll, his mother's favorite, Martha Stewart, etc. She's saying she's got flaws, but she can still be. "I won't be the portrait of perfection to adorn your wall, but I will be your everything if you make me feel like a woman(?)" Ok, so that last word has never made sense to me... I'm likely not hearing it right.

Followed by "This woman needs." Yikes. Yeah... search those lyrics. Sometimes it's how I feel - except for the picking up his shirts. I need that safe place to land.

"Tonight I'm just me"... ahhhh the tale of a woman talking to an ex. Multiple personalities. That could be me... I haven't numbered them though. Yep, I have a temper. I say and do things in the heat of the moment that shock even me. I mean, when it came to wanting to reconcile with T, I told him everything. I made sure he knew about the guys I'd dated/slept with, whatever. I handed him my blog - ok, not the wisest move, but I cuoldn't see basing a marriage on anything but the truth. The whole, ugly mess of a truth. It cost me. How that person can do and say some of the things I do when angry... eek. Let's face it, i'm trying to illicit a response from him. Especially when he turns it all off and doesn't care. It's like "fine, you don't care why am I wasting my time here?" And I say it.

Note to self... buy duct tape and throw out all phones. Duct tape so I can tape my damned mouth shut and the phones should speak for themselves.

The song that sucks is "Before you and me." "Ever kiss before this was nothing but a waste of breath. Every I love you was just a whoop-de-do." "Every love song was about someone else" "Every star just a wish too far." Yet here I sit. Quite aware that it could be over. Hell, likely is.

I feel like I've been blindsided by that. I mean... I've never met anyone.... Argh. It sounds so stupid. I mean... I've been using emotional blackmail to manipulate him. And I'm surprised he's not going to take it. Well... no I'm not. I'm surprised I was doing it. Sounds stupid huh? Like, how the hell could I not know?

I seriously just thought... bah. Does it matter? Nope.

To me, one day I got upset about not seeing him and it ballooned into this. But then I take a closer look at me and my actions and it's a good thing I haven't had breakfast yet.

Ahhh here we go. The song that really hurts. "Still holding out for you." I'm pretty sure it's about a death, but sometimes it just seems too close to my reality. She lost a guy and she's still waiting for him to come back. Really kinda sad. Hurts, but reminds me not to do that.

Hee Hee... Punishment. LMAO. Ahhhh go find those lyrics. I'm sure a quick search of "Shedaisy Punishment" will provide no end of links. "Somewhere down along the line I guess that love became a crime..." bwahahahahahaha

Why am I babbling about music again? Meh, it's all better than songs about angels.

Funny thing. When I went to give G back the last of his stuff, I took the valentine's gift he gave me. The unused cards and the framed lyrics to that song. When it came down to it, I couldn't give him back those things. Likely for the best. I'm sure it was pure drama to return that stuff. Complete with note explaining why I was. Well, dammit, if I couldn't throw it out, how could I give it away???? So there it sits on my coffee table.

I just.... Communication. What's happened to communication? Understanding? Hope? honestly, there was a point I thought this was just a hiccup in the process. The two of us adjusting. Learning about each other. Trying to deal with the demons from our past and not forcing those negatives on someone else. I thought he'd take a day or two and realize what I am (yes, amazing. Hell, he made ME see it!) and be back.

Eternal (ly stupid) optimist. That's me. I mean... who ends a relationship over this????????? Without talking. Without trying. Just walks away. What happens if I mess up again? I'm not perfect. Can I handle someone expecting that of me? Someone who's not opposed to using emotional cruelty to hurt me when he doesn't like things? Like he said... what happened to talking about it? (I still don't think I had ulterior motives. We both knew what I wanted. Only one of us could see what I was doing to get it!) But walls go up. I get pushed away and feel lost. The ground under me completely shaken as I try to figure out which is his true feelings for me - those when angry or those when happy?

How can someone be so cold and uncaring to someone they love? So calculating. So cruel with his words.

Bah. "Without your love" "What if I had walked right past you?" blah blah blah.

Optimism. "A tendency to expect the best possible outcome or dwell on the most hopeful aspects of a situation." Well, yep. that's me.

Sigh. I had time to think this weekend. Watching my dad with my nephew. He said to me on a recent visit that he's surprised my brother and I turned out as well as we did because he doesn't think he spent enough time with us. They were always with us by nature of their job - farming. They took vacations with us. They didn't just go off to tropical destinations and drop us off somewhere. Even when we weren't with them, we were with family - Grandma and Grandpa. Hell, D and I would ASK to go spend nights and weekends at Grandma and Grandpa's. Weekends were the best. G&G lived a block from the pool! In the summer it was way better than hanging around the farm all the time.

I love my dad. Mom too. I look at my nephew and he's this amazing kid. Well behaved, doesn't throw tantrums, rarely cries. He's a year and a half old and he's more likely to giggle than scream or cry (funny that with me for an aunt!). He has two parents who are always with him (well, not D so much because he works). A grandpa who'll sit in the truck with him while he pretends to drive. Dunno where he thinks he's going... hell, maybe he's like Stewie and just trying to get away from all of us.

Then I think of G. It's all he wants - more time with his kids.

And I'm in the way.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Friends in unlikely places

Just over a year ago, I fell for this guy. He was a computer geek, liked a lot of what I liked, and just seemed like a good fit. He, of course, ran screaming. There's much to be said about how NOT ready for dating I was at the time, but it still hurt. But he wanted to stay friends. Somehow I managed to do that and get over my silly little crush.

This week, and last week, he's been one of the major contributors to my sanity. He's given me the kick in the ass about the way I deserve to be treated. He's told me that there is someone out there who'll meet me, see my smile, see the sparkle in my eyes and want to give me what I need. Someone who is available for the relationship I want.

And I told him where to go. First, it seemed a tad hypocritical from some guy who decided he was uninterested. Seriously, buddy, if you can't see how wonderful I am, my ex can't, the guy I'm dating could (but now doesn't see me as quite so amazing), then what the hell makes you think anyone else is going to see that????? Give your head a shake.

But wait. There was a time when the guy I'm currently... um... (what do you call what we're doing?????) missing (?) thought I was amazing, wonderful, perfect, etc.

All right. So the prospect of months (or years) spent seeking another foo...err... guy who can think that of me and make me think the same of him isn't really all that appetizing. I mean, it ain't easy being single and 30. And the men out there aren't exactly prince charming. They aren't even frogs waiting to be turned into princes (god help the women who try!).

I'm not exactly Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty either. This is reality after all. My happily ever after isn't going to come easy or effortlessly.

Anyway, back to the guy who could't figure out what an incredible creature I am. He brought tears to my eyes today. I'd messaged him after lunch to thank him for the words of wisdom that did eventually seep through my thick skull. At lunch I went for a short little walk, hit the used book store to pick up some reading material and got three books from one of my favorite authors! There's something about the sunshine, the fresh air, the walk, the successful shopping trip, that just put a spring in my step. I even considered finding a shady spot to sit down and dig into one of the books, but I had no way to know the time so it was back to work with me.

I'm going to go to home depot satuday morning and learn how to do tile. I'm going to go next wednesday night and learn how to build a headboard. Maybe Saturday afternoon I'll hit the laminate flooring demonstration. There's things needing done around my house and the home improvement fairies just don't seem to be getting around to it.

I've got a plan - sort of. I'm seeking distractions. I'm tracking down old friends. That reminds me, Sheila wanted to know how meeting the kids went. Not sure what to say to that. I'm making myself busy.

And getting amazing advice from the most unlikely of places. I told D that G wasn't worth all this hurt. That no guy is. And he said simply "anyone who is willing to cause it isn't worth it in my books"


On one hand I want to say "Yes! Exactly!" On the other hand, I know I've caused G enough hurt too. Urgh. Yeah, not a good feeling. That knowledge that as much as I'm hurting, so is he. And if he's not worth all that hurt (big words from someone just denying the truth), then neither am I.


I still think he's worth it. I see what has happened as a minor growing pain of a new relationship. Feeling each other out. Learning what works and what doesn't. Finding common ground and finding the best way to deal with what is a tough situation to begin with. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Yet I took the risk.

But at lunch I realized something. If it's this hard for him now, what about next time he gets ready to run? Will it be easier to just say I'm not worth it? On one hand, that was a freeing revelation. I mean, who wants to face this kind of pain in the future. Again.

On the other hand it means saying good bye. I'm not good with good bye. And it seems such a waste of such a promising relationship. What if there wasn't a next time? What if we got everything worked out? What if he found the patience and understanding needed to help me learn and change my bad habits? What if we stopped reacting to each other in the past and dealt with the present. Dealt with the two people in this relationship rather than ghosts.

Call me an eternal optimist. A fool. I'm not quite ready to give up hope, but there's some daylight poking through. Even if it is over, I'll survive. I'll do better than survive. I'll move on. I'll grow as a result of having to do all the home improvement work by myself. I'll get more confidence. More knowledge. More to be proud of.

And I'll know I did it because I could. And I'll know that I'm a better person for it. And I'm not even looking to build walls around my heart again. Why start a relationship with distrust, fear and hurt? Why make someone else pay for my mistakes. I might just miss out on someone amazing. I almost did this time.

A throw away society

Sigh, post #2 for today. Or 3 if you count 4am. ah well.

I've started wondering something. When did our society become so callous? When did it turn into a throw away society? We have consignment stores and second hand stores filled with goods hardly used before. Clothing worn once then tossed away. Shoes barely scuffed up for sale because of someone's impulsive choices.

To hear my grandparents talk, they threw nothing away. And I've seen their house - they didn't. They made quilts from feed sacks for pete's sake. My grandparents have been married more than 60 years. My parents - over 35.

Me - divorced in 7 so I'm just as guilty of the throw away attitude. Even in dating - for a long time I just avoided. Smallest excuse and I ran away. I see now that I wasn't ready to date. If someone had told me that back then I would've laughed and told them they were wrong. I was good. I was healthy. I was ready to date.

I hurt people because of my stupidity. So, yep, more pot callin' the kettle black.

Why is it we're always looking for something better? I noticed it before in the online thing and, yes, I was just as guilty. But no one is willing to work at a relationship (I KNOW it takes two. Learned that with the whole divorce). At the first sign of problems they run screaming. Surely there's someone better out there! Yeah, this person was perfect for me in so many ways... but he picked his teeth/farted in public/danced naked to show tunes/had a Xena the Warrior Princess costume and it wasn't for me to wear. (no, I'm not talking about people I know. I'm kidding. Joking. Making a funny. Yeah, I know, my sense of humour disappeared for too long)

Maybe she just wore black shoes with brown pants (gasp! the horror), or had cats she spoiled as a replacement for the kids she'll never have. She cries at the end of CSI: Miami when Kane watches the victims walk away.

For minor transgressions, we walk away. Or run. No matter how much time has been involved. No matter the good. People have stopped putting effort into the relationships with other people. Everyone is too easily replaced.

It's an endless search for perfection. The next person will have hair that curls too much. Eyes that are too brown. Skin that's too pale. One too many freckles. Maybe they eat their fruit loops out of the box. They don't make enough money. They make too much money. Work too hard. Too lazy. Eat onions with their burgers. They drive a purple car. Don't own a car. Live in an apartment. Live in the wrong part of the city. They like country music. They don't like country music. They have kids. They don't have kids. There's always something.

So many reasons to push someone away. We call it being picky, knowing what we want and what we don't want.

It's not. It's running away. I wanted to do it in December. The whole NS thing. It was running away. Hiding from my lack of self esteem. Hiding from my failures. Hoping that in a move that long, I'd forget some baggage. The problem is, that's the kind of baggage that doesn't miss the plane. And even if it does, it follows a person. Even in NS, I'd have failed in my marriage. Sure, I wouldn't have to see the disappointment in my parent's eyes. I'd be too far away to just pick up the phone and call him.

But the hurt would still be in me. Using people. Throwing them away. Running away. Hiding. None of it takes away what's inside of us. God, if there were a solution, I'd have found it. I've tried too many times to fix me by adding someone else. Sure, it cures that empty lonely feeling - for awhile.

But then I throw them away. And add that guilt and failure to the rest of it. And I go looking for a place to hide. A soft place to fall. Last summer I did the camping trip and I grew. Some of that baggage ended up at the bottom of a valley at lake louise. I learned I gained confidence. I did something I never thought I could. I dealt with my fear. My loneliness. I came back better for it.
And ended a relationship with someone because I was holding on for the wrong reasons.

Yikes. When did I get all messed up again? Maybe I need another camping trip.

On Patience, understanding and forgiveness

Well, I used my blog once before to sort out my feelings and get on with my life. It seems a better solution than annoying my friends or G. Last night... or rather this morning, I posted in an attempt to clear my mind so I could sleep. It actually worked.

So now I want to work. To get through the day without calling him again. The phone calls don't help. So here I am.

He asked a question on the POF forum about damaged goods. Baggage. He posed it about his friend, but a couple times he tried to refer to his own situation. Only people didn't figure that out and they referred back to his friend. I've wanted to respond to it again and again, but I can't thanks to POF's rule about being a member for 3 days before you open your big mouth. Likely for the best. But at 5 am this morning I figured it out. Sorta. I mean, what kind of logic am I really going to have after 3 hrs sleep? But here goes....

Baggage. It can be good, it can be bad. At the start of a relationship, it helps you determine if the person fits into your life or not. Do they have too many of the same characteristics that drove you from past relationships? Can you handle someone cold? Can you date someone with kids.

Let me run with this baggage analogy for a minute - how baggage turns bad. Often times, we start out opening the baggage and throwing things at the other person. At first it's the lacy panties and bras and some satin boxer shorts. All is good, they're soft and enticing. You say things like "wow, you're so much better than anyone else because...."

Then you get comfortable. The granny panties might come out, maybe that pair of holey underwear you should've thrown out months ago. Some dirty socks, maybe a toothbrush. You start to see some negative characteristics as the relationship settles, the new wears off. It's not shiny anymore and some tarnish shows through. You say things like "Gee, I wish you wouldn't go away every long weekend." or maybe "Do you always have to leave the seat up????" or my favorite... "Your cat is insane! He freakin' stalked me! If I moved he watched for bare skin to attack like the last freakin' time!" These aren't always related to the past or your baggage. You're likely in the baggage accumulation stage.

But you're willing to excuse these things. They're minor after all and nothing too huge or painful. Then one day you get to the heavier items in the baggage. All this time you've been comparing the other to your past. Looking for flaws. Looking for similarities. Sure they're a unique person, but you just know that it's in there somewhere. You start assigning characteristics to the person because a behavior was similar. Now you're throwing costco sized shampoos and a hair dryer or too. These things bruise. Things like "You sound just like my ex!" or "I'm tired of always coming last, what's wrong with me that no one can ever put me first. First my ex and now you!" Things said in the heat of anger.

The use of the baggage has been negative all along. The comparisons, good or bad, show that you aren't seeing the other person as a unique individual. You're using the past to measure them up. You haven't learned from the past, taken the knowledge and moved on. You're living in the past. Looking for the past in the future. Using the past to push someone else away. Holding it up like a garlic to a vampire. Protecting yourself through walls you've built up.

If you don't let someone in, they can't hurt you. If you hide behind examples from the past, you never have to worry about the future. A fear of taking a chance, taking risks with your heart again keep you from truly seeing the person you're with - good and bad.

Because we all have good and bad characteristics. We're all unique. My ex being too busy for me and always putting me last had different motivations than the guy I have been dating putting me second because of other obligations that are understandably more important - his kids.

The drama someone sees in tears, anger and hurt could be based in experiences with people who could turn those things on and off like a faucet to get their way. Yet another person may not have that faucet control. Maybe they don't WANT to be crying and hurt, but they don't have the ability to hide it or stop it. But seeing the same outer behaviour, someone could attribute the same motivation to it. Now suddenly that person becomes the ex. They aren't a different and unique person. They're the same as the past.

There's no question of whether the person would be willing or capable of changing the behaviour if given a chance. The person may or may not even see or know what they're doing. Confronted with it, they may deny it because they honestly don't think they'd do that. Or maybe they admit that they have a problem. And they ask for time and understanding while they try to work through it. They don't want to do it. They don't want to have that negative characteristic but they didn't realize they did. Now they want to change.

If your baggage prevents you from seeing that. From helping them change. Prevents you from being understanding while they adapt to a new situation and try to be a better person - then you aren't over your past. You're still living in it and punishing someone else for the mistakes of others.

Hi Kettle. Yep, I know I'm black too.

(end of what I wanted to say about baggage.)

I asked for understanding. I asked for him to have patience with me while I adapted to the situation with his kids. I've tried. Maybe not hard enough. Maybe I am too selfish. But I wanted to try.

I didn't realize I used hurt to illicit guilt from him in an attempt to manipulate. I see it now, yet it may be too late. He's seeing me through glasses tinted by his past. Risk/reward. The risk is too great and me as a reward has diminished in value to him.

We all have flaws. I try to accept his - even if he won't admit he has them. It's love. Seeing the good in the person you're with and overlooking the flaws if they can be overlooked. It isn't going in blind and ignoring the flaws. It's acknowledging them and accepting them. Talking with them about the problems to see if there's a resolution that can be reached. If there is, it's having the patience to be there for them as things change. Being understanding and opening your heart, even if it means you might get hurt again.

Because sometimes a person is just worth it.

Other times you have to see that the negatives have added up to a point where there is no hope. You take from the experience and learn from it. And next time you try to leave the hair dryer and 5 gallon bottles of shampoo in the luggage instead of throwing them at the other person in hopes something will stick.

Hiding behind our baggage is bad. Using it to protect ourselves from future hurts because someone else might be too much like the past isn't good. It lets us walk away feeling right. Of course we're better off without that person. Good lord, they were just like the ex. It would've been nothing but pain and hurt.

Yet we ignore the good. The looks of love. The picnics on a sunny afternoon. The walk through a botanical garden even though the other person would've rather been getting a root canal. The night spent talking on the phone for 7 hours because he was at work and I was at home. The hugs at 1am when he had a moment to swing by my place and he missed me. The hours spent playing Playstation. Stolen moments on his apartment steps while his kids slept. Laughter. Tears. Him holding me on his futon after a failed attempt at dinner and a movie because I was too sick.

Sigh, what good does remembering the good do for me now? he needs to remember the good, but he's focussed on the bad. The negative.

The fact is I deserve better. No, not a better guy than him. He's a great guy - whether he wants to believe it or not. I deserve to be treated better. I deserve a real relationship with a guy like him. Not just stolen moments. This isn't baggage. This is the honest to goodness truth. An evening here and there isn't enough to build a relationship on.

If the time is going to be with hiis kids, then so be it. In reality, when he gets out of the one bedroom apartment, things might've been better because after the kids go to bed, in theory I could still have time with him. But I'll never find out.

His kids. They rightfully come first. I never asked for anything else. I just asked for the relationship that he should've been prepared to offer when he came looking for me. The respect. The place in his life that I should have. Some sort of priority. Some kind of importance. A desire to see me and be with me.

Instead I've found out things about me I'd rather not know. And experienced a hurt I tried to use my baggage to protect me from. But G isn't T. He deserved a relationship with someone who wasn't hurting from the past and expecting him to fix the problems. Just the same as I deserved.

It's 4am

And this is starting to be a habit.

I took the little pills that are supposed to shut my head up when it comes to bedtime. They worked. I got a good hours worth of sleep before a dream woke me. Tried to read, but the pills were still working so back to sleep I went. Then 3 am came and what sounded like someone yelling somewhere. Not close by, but it carried on the night air anyway and it was disturbing. And it brought me back to where I am and where I'm headed.

I went to the casino tonight. I sat down at a slot machine and had to force myself to ignore the country music playing in the background. It's bad enough I was dumb enough to put Johnny Reid in my car CD player. Did he have to mock me at the casino too?No matter. I survived. Lost $70 but it seemed to be my goal. Any time I was up - and god knows I was up a couple of times - G popped into my head and I knew I couldn't leave.

I wake up in the middle of the night with a mixture of anxiety, fear, hurt, and anger. I feel lied to, disillusioned, and thrown way off balance by recent events.He's as much as told me that I wasn't any kind of priority in his life. Not only that but I'm a distraction from his ultimate priority - his kids. Yet I beg and plead to be included in whatever manner. wtf? Where did my dignity go? The backbone I built up in the last year.

Why does a fear of rejection and abandonment send me into fits? Why would I rather be treated like a second class citizen rather than the beautiful, intelligent, incredible person I am? Why am I so willing to believe he's worth it?

Don't get me wrong - the man I fell in love with IS worth it. The man I fell in love with made a huge difference in me. He stood by me when I made an ass of myself online. He felt the excitement when I decided to recover a chair and when I picked out stuff to redo my bedroom. He encouraged me. He loved me. I felt important to him, to his life. I felt there was a future and I was willing to overlook my concerns in order to be with him.

It wasn't all sunshine and roses. I've been freaked about his kids from the start. What do I know about kids????? What right do I have to be involved with someone with kids? And don't even get me started on my fears about them and what would happen if we ever tried to integrate the two parts of his life.

We made a mess of something amazing. I don't know how or when, but we did. There's a part of me who wants the good parts back. Hell, all of me wants that. Who wouldn't? It changed my life. It changed me. It made me realize I wasn't broken... or at least I'm not anymore.

But now? I'm dating someone who'll disappoint me without a second thought. A party he invited his friends too, he didn't make an effort to be available for. A party I planned because I wanted to say to the world "Hey, lookit me. Lookit the guy I got." I wanted to introduce him to my friends. At least Zig was going to try to come up from Calgary. Beyond that, I don't have many friends and the ones I have who would come have already met G.When my friends wouldn't come, he invited his and suddenly it was something we were hosting together.

Then just as suddenly it was gone. The rug I was standing on that made me feel special and wanted and cherished and protected was yanked out from under me. Well, ok, it's not like I didn't see it coming. It's not like the relationship is so all-fired hot right now.But I hold onto the love I felt, the love I know he felt.Maybe it's time to stop holding on so tight. I really do deserve better and if he's unable or unwilling to do that for me then I have to accept that and move on. Love or no love.

The good news is the counsellor seemed to think it wouldn't take months.When is a horse dead enough that a person can stop beating it? When will the mistakes of my past stop haunting me? Why can I be this amazing, strong person most of the time. But then when a relationship ends the words some ass said to me 12 years ago come rushing back and I suddenly will do anything at all to prove I'm not what he wanted me to believe I am and everything is held in one person's hand. Giving them the unwanted control over me and my self-esteem. They don't want that position. They didn't ask for it.

Sigh, I even sunk lower tonight though. I left him a voicemail... sigh. I can't even type it here. A fool. Thats me.

Did a relationship Tarot for G and I....

Friday, August 04, 2006


A matter of a few days. So much can change, it's too bad my love doesn't go away that quickly. I can try to protect myself with anger and hurt, but I'm not sure I'll be successful.

I read his blog this morning and tried to call him. As it was yesterday - no answer.

His blog seems to indicate that I am the one overreacting. Yet it goes on like it has in the past to excuse his stubbornness. Excuse the fact that he's reacting to past events that have nothing to do with me.

The problem is, there is no excuse for the way I've been treated. He knows he's not ready for a relationship, but doesn't make an effort to handle things differently when we're arguing. Knowing how damaging what he does is to me and the relationship doesn't seem to matter.

But I wrote the key words. He isn't ready for a relationship. He's still chasing ghosts from his past. Guilt, anger, hurt. Until he deals with that, he's poisoning our relationship, then blaming me.

I love him to pieces and this hurts like hell. But I deserve better. I wanted that to be him, I really did.

Take this week. I would've seen him tuesday. And that's it. One day. He denied it, but his blog says it all.

I just feel sick. And no, that's not the mono talking.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

What a mess

How much of a mess can two people make of love? Heh. Yeah, I should've had that answer after my divorce.

Greg and I decided to try it again. A little patience, a little communication and we could do it.

Sure we could. One small argument blown into something huge for no reason. Now he won't answer his phone.

Do I want him back? It's funny. You find someone who's good. And he was that - really good for me for the most part and you want to hold on, ignoring the bad. After all, it could be worse, right? Right?????

Then what? Is there a time when you just have to say "that's it! I can't excuse the bad anymore!" For me there was. I can't live my life with someone who'll question even the smallest things - like the timing of when I bring up issues. The TIMING!!!!!!!!

It was last night I realized that he had to be right. He was more than willing to walk all over me in order to be right. He'd ignore anything I had to say to be right. It isn't about love at that point. It isn't even about what's best for a relationship. It's about what's best for him and apparently that's being right and/or winning. At any cost.

His words to me today? "It'd be different if you'd won." Um... no. First, I'm not willing to destroy the person I love in order to be right or to win. I'm not willing to walk all over a relationship and hurt someone to prove a point. My bad, I'm sure. Perhaps I'd be happier if I were. Much happier if I could ignore anything that went against my prejudgement.

No. I wouldn't be. A relationship is about love. Caring. Respect. Understanding. It's not a competition. It's not a game to be won.

Now, I just have to find it in me to get over it. Again. And somehow find it in me to not be bitter. I'm not a crazy cat lady and I won't let some guy make me pay for his mistakes with his ex for the rest of my life.

Oh yeah. And I have mono. Wooo. Go me. At this point I'm lucky that a moron dr. handing me antibiotics didn't do more damage to me or the people close to me. Mono comes with some serious side effects like a ruptured spleen. Hell, I'm lucky I got through the worst of it like I did considering the mess the rest of my life is in. I will still be a couple more weeks or even months fully recovering.

*giggle* I was laying there with mono and he ignored me for a hamster.

A hamster.

God, what was I thinking???