Tuesday, October 31, 2006

too close to home.

Sometimes things are just too much the same. And not in a good way.

Fear. It sucks. He made me supper tonight.

Well. Fuck. Just talked to Mom. I'm SUPPOSED to go get a haircut this weekend. But... apparently the "family" has decided that this weekend is the one we're going to go through Grandma's stuff. So. Forget that I might have plans. Forget that I live 3.5 fucking hours away. If I want a chance to get something to remember her by, I have to go.

It's nuts. Apparently Grandpa wants to make sure Sandra gets what she wants but no one even gave me a second thought. My aunt and uncle are like vultures. They didn't even like her. Rarely came out to visit. I hadn't seen them for a Christmas dinner in years. Mom had to twist arms to get them to come out to celebrate my grandparent's birthdays. It was like the drive to see them was an inconvenience.

And what about me? I was closest to her. I don't even have any idea what I'd want that was hers. Didn't even want to think about it yet. Nothing will bring her back. I hurt. I cry when I look at things she's made me. I have trouble crocheting an afghan for my sister in law because Grandma was working on the same one. I made popcorn freakin' balls because of the memories.

What kind of people....?

What a crappy day. A rant. My family. I just...don't belong anywhere.

Monday, October 30, 2006


God, I'm happy. Giddy. Goofy. Babbling like an idiot. Made popcorn balls tonight. In memory of Grandma. She used to make 'em every year when we were kids.

now I'm just watching TV and thinking. Good things. Got a raise today. Approval for training the week of my birthday... in Ottawa. I sit here looking at an incredible pashima shawl. My condo looks amazing. I feel better than I have in months. I've lost weight.

I'm me. Good, bad, right, wrong. I knew it was wrong to go back to G. He wanted me back out of fear and control. The problems would still be there. He still knew how to kill me with a single sentence. He thought I was manipulative with ulterior motives. He had his own beliefs about who I was. Most were formed from his ex's behaviour and not me. But we'd never get past that. My anger or his assumptions.

Besides. He couldn't give me what I needed. Wanted. He couldn't be what I need. It wasn't fair to try again knowing that.

It's funny. Effortless. I'm not worrying about when I'll see J next. What he's doing. I'm not protecting my heart. I'm reacting the way I want to. Giddy today. Extremely so. Said, "guess what, you get to learn today about Happy Erin. She talks. A lot. About nothing."

It's great. I feel again. When I cry, he wraps his arms around me and holds me. He tells me I think about things too much. Yep, I do. It's what I do. Too easy to doubt. No reason to though. The guy wants to meet my family. He talks of buying an acreage together. Travelling together. camping together. Fishing. He doesn't hide me. I have breakfast with his friends. See his family when he does. He wants me to meet his friends and did so before he left for vacation. I'm not a dirty little secret. I am a part of his life.

Heh, if this all goes south, I'm gonna feel silly again. But I'm not going to hold back. I want to feel this. I want to feel everything. Life is nothing without emotion. It's nothing if you can't be yourself. It's nothing if you're always begging for something.

I'm in love. I just want to tell everyone. In fact, I've been telling anyone who'll listen. The ex husband. My friends. J. Tucker. Tigger. Bailey. I don't wake up with him every day. In fact, most days I wake up looking at a furball. Weekends I have J. He's mentioned spending nights through the week, but I'm not rushing. It's only been a couple months.

Ok, I'm making myself sick with the gushing.


I had a post created today. About stuff. Me. How I've grown and learned. But I just couldn't post it. Privacy.

The details of this don't need to be so easily available. Not fair to him. Not fair to me.

Suffice it to say, I thanked my ex husband today for a lesson he taught me. I hated learning it. Thought I knew better. But Sunday, I suppressed my instinct and tried it a different way. And it was way less stressful for both of us. I likely ended up with the end result I wanted.... way sooner than if I'd gone about it my way.

it sucked. I'm not good with patience. But he's worth it.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Believing I deserve it.

Sometimes it's hard to believe I deserve something good. I'm scared to ask for things. Scared to say what I really think. But J's the kind of guy that'll run me over if I don't speak up.

He's like me a little too much sometimes. In his own little world. Unaware.

But. Well, the purpose of this post. Wow. What a weekend.

I decided to go ahead and set up Jeff's surprise. Worried I was going to make an ass of myself or make things awkward for him, I had to take the chance. Huge for me. I guess I'm growing. Go Figure.

So. I set up the surprise last Wed night. Went back thurs night to drop off flowers for him. His mother had cleaned. *blush* She'd found some of the... items. Ooops. The good news - it made me laugh. A lot. On a day when I needed it. Another sign of growth.

So, I had the treasure hunt set up. About 5am Friday morning I would've chickened out if I'd known he wasn't at home. But I wasn't sure so I decided to just leave it. Friday afternoon, I got a phone call when he got home from his parent's place. Thanking me for the surprise. Telling me how great I was.

Then he said "want to come over and go run some errands with me?"

Hmmm. "Uhhh, did you get the cards?" "Yep." "Did you read them both?" "No." "You need to read the second one." "Ok, brb."

Then he was off. Searching for the rest of the things. I was called a doll. When he walked into my house and saw me wearing my red dress, his look said it all. He wanted to take me out. Like out in public. In that dress! LMAO. I mean, ok, I'm down about 15 lbs and it looks way better on me, but no. Too self conscious.

Anyway. I finally got home tonight. We're comfortable together. I trust him. Things are just... good. I freaked for nothing.

I mean, sometimes I still wonder, but saturday morning over breakfast he asked what was next for us. Started making plans for a winter vacation. Leaving the restaurant, he grabbed me and pulled me into a hug.

He walked into my condo and the first thing he said was how he loved the colours. Then he came over and kissed me. Gave me the presents he bought me in Turkey. It was so unreal. Like he'd been gone forever, but not gone at all.

Fear mixed with anticipation. A desire to run. All melted away by the look in his eyes. He talks about his trip and I'm happy for him. A tad jealous about the things he's seen. But no lack of trust. He came back to me. He's got no reason to be dishonest. And he's not the type to hang on if he's not interested.

Can't really say he's still smitten. But he is... himself. And I'm becoming more me every day. I want him to meet Ryan and Dawn. I can't wait for my parents to come up. Darcy. Sandra. Cameron. We talk about Vegas for my birthday.

We talk about he future. We curl up in bed and read together. My cats put up with his dog. He curls. He's not running away.

I'm not pushing. He spent part of the weekend uploading his pictures from the trip. I played with his dog and read. Relaxed. Watched movies. Napped. Comfortable. It's good to be comfortable. Myself. No expectations. I know I'm still holding back emotion, but the rest of the time, I'm just me. And not worried about what he thinks when I say silly things. Or when I talk during movies.

His eyes. The look. Love. No questions. No distractions.

I don't need someone with a million dollars. Don't need fancy cars, jewelry or all the toys. I need someone who makes me feel wanted. Needed. Appreciated. Someone who wants to be with me without throwing up false barriers. Someone who sees the roses I bought him and thinks I'm great.

I don't have to ask for more. I don't feel a need to ask for more. I have...More than I'd hoped for. Someone who's there. Someone who just knows stuff. Someone I don't have to explain myself to. The same sense of humour (hellllooooooo Monkey Ninjas!). Shared history. Shared experiences. Too many times he says something that's exactly what I was thinking.

He is...everything I wanted T to be. Considerate. Giving. Wants to be with the person he has a relationship with. Wants to be with me. Loves my cooking. Doesn't mind Tigger walking across him in the middle of the night. Talks to Bailey and calls her Boo. And he thinks the cheesiest thing I've ever done is great. Thinks my poetry was fun. Is happy as hell that I want to be with him. Wants to travel. Curls. And it's effortless. I don't have to try. I don't compromise things that matter to me. I can giggle uncontrollably at bad horror flicks and he's right there giggling with me.

His friends aren't pretentious asses who want me to be uncomfortable.

He's...right. Finally.

I'm happy. I deserve it. And he'd be absolutely insane to walk away from this.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I quit.

I quit I quitI quit I quitI quit I quit I quit I quitI quit I quit I quit I quitI quit I quitI quit I quit

There I said it. Repeatedly. Better here than in my team lead's office. This is ridiculous. Insane. Childish. Surprising for a group of people of which I am the youngest. At 30. No one wants to take responsibility. Heaven forbid you deal with a client who's above peon level.


*deep breaths*

Everything looked so rosy last night at midnight. Pulled off a win on the ice (go me). I was even back to my old self out there making some pretty nice shots. And missing some pretty nice shots too. Went home, had some great ideas for increasing membership in my curling club. Set myself a goal of an increase of 2 teams next year bringing us to 10.

Then I got no sleep. Well... I got some I suppose because otherwise how would I have weird dreams. Kept waking up. Didn't get to bed until late. Woke up this morning at 6 am. Couldn't fall back asleep. I'm exhausted. Pooped. And cranky as HE-double hockey sticks.

I need sleep or I'll get sick. Again. I'm taking tomorrow off to sleep in, get some laundry done and generally make my house look like I know how to use a vacuum. And finish painting. Get some groceries. Clean the critter litter. Nap. Do some work that I'm technically not supposed to do. Nap. And.. well... heh. Yeah. Surprise!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I think I've got it.

The newest workout trend... a great way to lose weight.


Or just paint.

Either way, it'll keep you away from the fridge AND you'll get a whole new house out of the deal. My clothes don't freakin' fit anymore. I'm constantly pulling up my pants. It's a great feeling, except there's something I wanted to wear Friday that just doesn't fit right anymore.

I know, I should look at this as a shopping opportunity. Time to go buy something new. The problem is time. I don't have much between now and then. Curling tonight. Curling tomorrow night. Both are late games which let me get some things done I need to do.

As for the painting, I've done all I'm going to do. Except that one last coat on the yellow walls by the front door. I have the John Deere living room. Darcy would be so proud. Green and yellow. Sure, it was supposed to be orange, but once on the walls, in the room, with the red furniture, it appears more yellow than orange. Yellow's good too though.

John Deere living room with a Case couch... (thanks Igloo boy).

I still need to clean up, vacuum up the critter hair, move my dining room table back, vacuum the stairs, do laundry.... vacuum :) wash a mirror or two, wash the floor, clean the toilets, and hire a damned maid.

Not to mention set up the treasure hunt, buy the last couple items for it, change the oil in my car, sleep, work.... maybe I'll take a day off. Thursday. *cough, cough* I feel a sick day coming on. Bah, I have enough holiday time left it won't kill me to just take one of those days.

And get myself flowers dammit. Some roses. Red. for over the fireplace. A curtain for the window to replace the one that was too short. Buy groceries so I can provide the dinner my treasure hunt promises. Maybe a bottle of wine.

Clean the cat litter, brush Bailey, figure out what to cook, clean my fridge (paint trays really aren't that appetizing), find time for some personal grooming appointments, replace all the switch plates and outlet covers. Find a home for Cameron's toys and organize my desk.

*taking a deep breath*

And there's work, sleep, shower.... ahhhh crap, I need to clean the shower.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Epically bad poetry

This treasure hunt has inspired me. For whatever reason, I've stopped thinking in code... now I'm thinking in rhymes. I suppose this wouldn't be a bad thing if I had anything resembling poetic talent. In fact, I really don't know how to write a poem other than knowing they don't really have to rhyme.

I also know that certain words just aren't easy to rhyme. There are the obvious, of course, orange, silver, purple. But I found myself digging a hole with hunt and Tucker as well. It's amazing how easily some words can get one off track and send an innocent poem sideways.

Sunday, October 22, 2006


My house is clean. Parts of it have fresh coats of paint, others are still awaiting theirs. I've kept myself busy these last weeks. Curling, painting, I barely found time to sit and relax. Last night I finally took some time. Had to. Have an afghan waiting to be knit and a deadline of Christmas for it.

Talked to Mom. When I'm home next, Grandpa wants us to go in and go through grandma's stuff. *Sniffle* I've been talking to her. Not that I get any answers. Just some comfort. Sadness that she'll never see my bathroom. My fault for letting it get put off as long as it was.

Made a decision today. I'm not running. I won't live my life with questions. I need to give this a fair shot. Stop hiding. Stop running. Stop giving only half of myself. I've seen what it does. The hurt it causes. The way I've been treated has nothing to do with Jeff. He doesn't even know the people who instilled this fear in me.

The time before I left was a roller coaster. With grandma's illness and her passing I was gone more than I was here. We had two days before he left and he spent them with me. He introduced me to more of his friends. Talked about the future. He was giddy happy again. I have to stop letting fear rule me.

So today I made a decision. I'm not waiting to see what happens when he gets back. I'm setting up the treasure hunt for him. It's not much. Some cheesy poetry, gifts, etc for him and his pup. It's all ready. The sooner I go do it, the better. Lessens the chance of me chickening out.

Had a tarot card. Basically said I've been given gifts and I'm ignoring them. My greatest gift is simply who I am. Open. Giving. Caring. Emotional. I was happiest when I shared that with someone I cared about. It didn't last, but that wasn't because of me. I don't have that cross to bear.

How many people can say that their ex husband and ex boyfriend still love them? I hope that's because of the way I've treated them. Who I am.

When I'm angry, I claim that I've only learned that people don't care and that I have to protect myself. It's not true. I've learned who I am. I've learned not to be afraid of who I am. Regardless of what people say, how they hurt me, being me is more important than anything else.

I'm hurt that he wasn't missing me until he talked to me. Well, it's been 6 weeks (?). What exactly is he supposed to miss? The emotionally absent chick? The one he knew was holding back? The one who was gone more than she was here? Why should he invest any time missing someone who may or may not be waiting when he gets back?

Every day I do more to grow. Making the world around me mine. Covering dull grey walls with warm colours. My red furniture belongs here now. I belong here. Warm. Welcoming. Friendly. My home reflects me.

Who I am. Sometimes I forget. I may not be perfect. God knows I'm not. I know my flaws all too well. I choose to ignore the good. The creativity. The passion. The life I bring. My smile. My giggle. Acceptance. Love. Shoulder to cry on. Encouragement. Support. Stability. Financial security. Family. Intelligence. Friendship.

Most of all... my heart. The core of who I am. I'm not replaceable. People may try, but I'm rare. Hard to find. Once I open my heart... It's a gift. A look in my eye. A feeling.

I make people think about the future. Christ, I've looked at house plans and suggested design changes. I've looked at wedding rings. Lake front property. Discussed where I'd want to live. Dreamed about moving away from it all.

A camping trip. 2 days together. Getting lost, laughing, talking, learning. Not a single fight. Sleeping on the cold hard ground with a dog, his arms around me shielding me from the cold. Words of marriage. Confessing the crappy proposal I accepted 10 years ago. Cribbage by lantern light. Swimming in frosty water even the dog didn't want to be in. Sharing my pasta salad and my favorite dessert. His dog on my lap.

The day grandma died, I went home from work. He was off, but gone by the time I called him. Didn't want to call his cell so I just left a message. When he got the message, he came over. I was sleeping, holding a picture of grandma at my wedding. He crawled in beside me and I woke up in his arms, him reassuring me I could cry. He's got big shoulders. I didn't know how.

I don't know what it is about me that makes men think about settling down. Apparently this behaviour is out of the ordinary. It's made one man run screaming. Not because of anything I did. Because of the way he felt. What he thought. I can't control that. All I can do is be me.

I've been indecisive because sometimes it's too easy to return to the past, ignoring what's gone on. I know it was bad. Destructive. Painful. There's nothing back there for me to return to. Much like my marriage. I tried. In both cases I gave it everything I had. In both cases I deserved much, much better. Here's hoping I've found it.

Panic Attacks

So.. after the past few weeks, months.... I've decided to do some research on me. I keep hearing how simple it is to just forget things.

I know I've been experiencing panic attacks. Daily for awhile. And serious ones. Ones that make me sick to my stomach. Or make my heart race. Sweat. Tears. An overwhelming urge to run. Far. Fast.

From www.anxietypanic.com/understanding.html:

" The most essential thing to learn about panic attacks are the experience of panic itself. Once it happens, a person's life changes dramatically. Panic attacks bring on the fastest and most complex changes known in the human body. It is experienced as overwhelming, uncontrollable dread, as if one is terribly ill, about to die or lose one's mind. It drastically changes the the functioning of major glands, heart, lungs, stomach, intestines, pancreas, kidneys, bladder, eyes, and the largest muscle groups. Even violent poisons or traumatic injuries have less effect. A cascade of stimulants and hormones - adrenaline, epinephrine, glycogen, cortical, norepinephrine, among others - flood all the cells of the body via the bloodstream. The impulse is to run, get out, or hide.

The immediate cause is believing one is trapped and helpless, by some overwhelming threat. While panic can happen as a consequence of crime or disaster, it doesn't matter whether the threat is real. Often, panic happens after several weeks or months of stress. It happens more often with persons who are very worried, perfectionist, socially avoidant, or who have had abuse in childhood."

Well then... there we go. Pretty good description of what is going on. So, no, this isn't something I can just ignore. It isn't just a "feeling," or a suspicion. It likely has little to nothing to do with what I'm freaking out about at any given time. It isn't something one can just "forget." It's a complete physiological response.

Right now it has a lot to do with my trust issues. Duh. They're the strongest when I'm considering trusting someone. Most of the time I just avoid dealing with that. Ignore it. I call it flying by the seat of my pants, but in reality it's just me avoiding dealing with stuff. Deal with it as it happens. Or just not deal with it at all.

Mostly, I stay paralyzed. It's why I couldn't pick tile for my bathroom by myself. Why I worried over the paint colours I was choosing. Why I still worry that I completely messed up my bathroom with what I chose. Too dark? Too bold? Too personal? Too late now.

My living room looks great though - even if I did have to paint over one of my original choices. New curtains, fresh paint. Busy work. Prevents thought. Prevents dealing with stuff. Lets me hide.

Somehow I managed to push aside the panic. I ignored it. Made myself busy thinking up cheesy poetry, finding hiding places. Don't think I ever expected to go through with the stupid thing though. Treasure hunt. Stuff for him and his dog. Busy work. Distracting myself. Same reason my living room, front entrance, main floor bathroom and ensuite are painted. Same reason I'm curling 3x a week.

Hiding. Running. Pretending. Giving in. Letting the fear rule. There are times I don't want to leave the house. I'm letting this run my life. I'm letting it ruin my life.

I need a break. A holiday. Another solo journey to get my head on straight, as Zig would say. Should've taken it these last few weeks. No one needs to know. I just need to go. Shoulda gone to the farm while mom and dad were gone. Shoulda gone anywhere.

what a mess.

Friday, October 20, 2006

What happened to "me"?

Odd. I was looking for an old post today and I started flipping through the archives. Some funny stuff. Some, I don't even remember writing, but there it is for the world to read. I've never been one to take life seriously. I try to find the humour in that which goes on around me.

At toastmasters I was encouraged to enter the humourous speech contest. When I do a speech, I typically get comments back like, "funny as always." Even in real life I still giggle myself and the world around me.

Things like highlighter orange. Yep, I painted my living room a beautiful orange colour reminiscent of a highlighter. A friend commented last night that it's school bus orange. Thankfully, it's been repainted, but I still have a gallon and a half of this great orange paint. Anyone need lines painted on their street? Glow in the dark picture frames?

I try to bring colour to the world around me, be it with my smile, my personality or the colours I paint. For too long, I've let things get me down to the point where my blog is depressing. A year and a half ago, I was going through a tough time, yet I still managed to post such relevant things as eating my yogurt with a fork because I'd forgotten a spoon and eating my taco salad with a spoon because I'd forgotten my fork. I never realized the utensil crisis I have in my life :)

So it's time to stop taking myself and my life so seriously. I'd suggest I eat more chocolate, but right now my clothes are getting bigger so I don't want to stop that little trend.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

holy water

Somewhere there's a stolen halo
I use to watch her wear it well
Everything would shine wherever she would go
But looking at her now you'd never tell

Someone ran away with her innocence
A memory she can't get out of her head
I can only imagine what she's feeling
When she's praying
Kneeling at the edge of her bed

And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water

She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She's looking through the faces
The unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she crys

And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water

She just needs a little help
To wash away the pain she's felt
She wants to feel the healing hands
Of someone who understands

And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me
And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water


I've come to realize I have HUGE trust issues. Massive. Gargantuan. I just don't trust people. I naturally assume people are saying (or thinking) bad things about me. I figure they're laughing at me when I'm not looking. And I don't see why they'd have any reason at all to avoid hurting me.

People ask me why. Well... why not? Let's face it, I haven't had a lot of shining examples of human behaviour in my life. My family aside, of course. It's the oddest feeling in the world realizing that you just see everything in the world differently than most everyone else. I was raised to treat people how I want to be treated. That's the way my family is. My brother is lucky. His wife is the same way. Hell, she makes the rest of my family look like heathens!

I thought I'd found it once. 7 years of marriage and divorce later and I've learned I expect too much of people. I thought I'd found it again, but... well.. it just ended badly with more damage to my trust, more fear.

What is going to make some guy stop looking for something better if he's with me? Seriously. If something better fell into his lap, what's to stop him from taking it? Why should I believe anyone is looking out for anyone other than themselves?

People are surprised when they get to know me. Why's that? Because people aren't like me. I'm from a different world. People are willing to commit faceless, "victimless" crimes because they'll never get caught. They're not concerned about the fact that the decisions they make affect many people. Take downloading music/movies/etc from the internet. It's available. They're not likely to get caught. The singers/actors get paid millions for doing nothing. Etc, etc, etc. All justified. No one is getting hurt.

It's selfish. Self-centered. Ridiculous. And that line between right and wrong gets further blurred. It's no longer a line drawn in the sand that says "to me this is right and this is wrong" it's a line drawn in water. Disappearing, changing based on who it's ok to hurt and who it isn't. Will you get caught? Our behaviour is no longer based on what is right and what is wrong, it's based on consequences.

And so here I sit. Plans partially made. If I follow through with what I've planned, I'm putting a huge amount of trust in someone. I'm saying "hey buddy, here's my heart. And even more, here's my trust." He'll never know how hard that step is for me to take. And will he even care?

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Month and a half of hell.

Here I sit. It's a saturday night and I'm alone. My choice, of course. I could go against every fibre of my being and be out with someone tonight. But I do have a guy (albeit one on another continent) who's on vacation. It wouldn't be fair to him for me to make a decision based on loneliness and fear.

But that isn't what the last month and a half has been about. It's been about regrets, guilt, pain, death, family, old hurts.

I met a guy. Had him introduced to me to help with the bathroom reno. I was mid-run. Grasping at destinations. Halifax, Vancouver, Toronto, the US. Bailing. Hiding. Running from the hurt again. Only more hurt this time. And confusion.

I was going in a million directions. Wishing for curling season. Wanting to run. Wanting to finish the bathroom reno out of spite.

Then I had an offer of help. Someone who came with "references." T came through with a friend of hers who loves renos. Me being me... I wouldn't just invite some strange guy over to my bedroom (ensuite renovation). So there were a couple arranged meets first. He made me laugh. Ok, not a real challenge, but...

I was running. He was running. Last thing either of us wanted was to start something knowing my situation. Was it the right decision? Likely not. To be honest, I don't know. I'm a mess.

When my last boyfriend found out I was dating someone he made a move to get me back. Should have been a no brainer after what I went through. But it wasn't. Isn't. I loved him. Still love him. Feelings run deep for me.

In the midst of all of this, I get a phone call from my parents. My grandma was in the hopsital and they were called to the hospital in the middle of the night. It was up to me if I wanted to go home or not. I went.

I'm glad I did.

I got to see Grandma. The first day, she just held whatever hand was nearest. At one point, mine and Lynn's. It was hard. She was sleeping most of the time. On morphine. Antibiotics.

She looked at my sister in law at one point and said "I have grandshildren. I love them. I'm going to go to bed and go to sleep now." Fear filled me. Did she mean she was giving up? She knew we were all there.

The next day she was Grandma again. Happy. Giggling. Joking. Gave us all hope.

2 days later she was gone.

Trip to Saskatoon for work. Trip home to see Grandma. Trip home for a funeral. All within a week and a half. Reno's interrupted. Heart hidden behind razor wire, walls, armed guards...

My ex husband at the funeral. Sitting with me. Directed to be with the family by well-meaning friends and neighbors. Who am I to say no? Mom's happy. Dad's happy. Grandma's dead. I was trying to feel something. I wanted to cry. Knew I should. Relieved I got to say good-bye to grandma. Tell her I loved her.

The day after the funeral, I took some flowers from the farm and some soil and went to her grave. Shed a tear or two, but still not... me.

Dreams. Odd. Me in the porch of the old house. Screaming that I was a Kelly and it was my home. It was grandma's home. A plane crash. Bizarre curling dreams. Still no feeling.

Came back after the funeral. Two days before the guy I'm dating left for 3 weeks on the other side of the world. Reno work stalled. Hockey game. Time spent saying good bye.

Fear. My ex husband. My ex boyfriend. So easy to walk away from me. Turn away. Ignore my needs, my feelings. My heart. I'm not perfect. Too many emotions. Anger. PMS. Tears. I'm not all laughter and giggles. I have needs. Likely too needy. Too scared. Convinced there's someone better. Others have been too. They've gone looking. Trying to replace me.

What's to stop J from coming back from his vacation and walking away? There's no answer for that. Just time.

Where do I fit? I finally figured out why I am the way I am. My grandma. I'm her. Giggle. Bad jokes. All of it. Now she's gone.

I have few friends. Preferring to hide and protect myself. Too much hurt in the past. Too many betrayals. Too little trust.

Anyway... Grandma's gone. My life has been turned upside down. I'm lonely. Sad. Scared.

I avoid. I paint. My living room is green and orange now. Soon enough, I'll have my bathroom painted and cleaned up. Avoiding. Hiding. Distractions.

My family...are inexplicable. I wasn't asked to contribute to the eulogy. Mom spent more time snapping at me than talking to me. They wanted my ex with the family for the funeral. They didn't care what I wanted. WHat would make me comfortable. Food for after the funeral - I wasn't asked to help. Thanksgiving, I spent with T's family here. Not even a phone call from "home."

The city. A lonely place. People have lives. Families. Friends. Comittments. Stuff to do. They don't need me. Don't want to hear me whining about how much things suck.

2 more weeks. Curling. Painting. Hiding. Trying to find me again. Trying to feel.

Easier to just paint. Highlighter orange. Gone now. Replaced with "honey dipped." Looks great. So cheery.

Just one more facade.

3 songs

I got him ready for you - Chely Wright

I taught him how to talk to me
I showed him what a woman needs
A hand just to hold in the dark
He used to think it was enough
Sending flowers to show love
Now he knows he's gotta open his heart
And the saddest thing 'bout how it all came down
Is he's not here with me now

I got him ready for you
Look at all the things he can do
You can cry on his shoulder
He might even cry too
He's come a long long way
And it's tragic but true
I guess I've got him ready for you

I wouldn't say I have regrets
'bout the time that we both spent
If the truth be known, I'm a little better too
So when he does the little things, when he treats you like a queen
In a crazy way I'm bearing the rood
Ooh, I feel like I did all the fixing in mud
But you moved into our house of love

I got him ready for you
Look at all the things he can do
You can cry on his shoulder
He might even cry too
He's come a long long way
And it's tragic but true
I guess I've got him ready for you

I don't blame you, I'm not saying you stole him away from me
I just want you to know he's not the man he used to be, yeah

He's come a long long way
And it's tragic but true
I guess I've got him ready for you
I guess I've got him ready for you

This is where the cowboy rides away - George Strait

I knew the stakes were high right from the start.
When she dealt the cards, I bet my heart.
Now I just found a game that I cant play,
And this is where the cowboy rides away.

And my heart is sinking like the setting sun,
Setting on the things I wish Id done.
Its time to say goodbye to yesterday.
This is where the cowboy rides away.

Weve been in and out of love and in-between.
And now we play the final showdown scene.
As the credits roll a sad song starts to play,
And this is where the cowboy rides away.

And my heart is sinking like a setting sun,
Setting on the things I wish Id done.
Oh the last goodbyes the hardest one to say,
And this is where the cowboy rides away.

Oh the last goodbyes the hardest one to say.
This is where the cowboy rides away.


Between a mother and a child - Chely Wright

I know you don't like me
Don't like the things I do
The saddest part just might be
That I don't like you too
You think you know my story
Well maybe you did for a little while
I guess that's the way it goes sometimes
Between a mother and a child

All my life you've reminded me
How you struggled nine long months
Your achin' back and your swollen feet
How you almost lost me once
You say you gave up everything
All the dreams you had
Told us kids we're the only reason
You stayed there with our dad

And you want me to cry for you
You want me to feel the way you do
I'm sorry your life let you down
But the fault it is not mine
It's not supposed to be like this
Between a mother and a child

You want me to just agree
With everything you say
Call my dad the bad guy
Make him pay and pay and pay
It's really not my business
It never was or will ever be
But I know nobody's perfect
And that's counting you and me
Yeah that's counting you and me

I don't remember all that happened
Mama I was just a kid
But if it really was all that bad
Why do you wish I did?

You want me to cry for you
I'll never feel the way you do
I'm sorry your life let you down
But the fault it is not mine
It's not supposed to be this way
Between a mother and a child
Oh a mother and a child
You're my mother and I'm your child

The last one has more to do with my relationship with my mom. Bah.

Does it mean anything? nope. Why should it. I tried. I got hurt.

I have doubts.



I'm human.

I'm sorry.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Curling Season

It's that time of year again. It's been a great summer, beautiful fall... really a perfect year. And now, it's curling season. My season officially starts on... well tomorrow.

I'm excited. It is my favorite season after all. Something to keep me busy. Well, maybe a little too busy for right now. I've got painting to finish!

Ever get that feeling something big is going to happen but you don't know what. Or when. Or how. It's just this feeling of trepidation or excitement. Or pending doom. I truly hope it's just the commencement of curling season doing this to me. Or the way my living room looks. Who'da thunk that orange and green could look so good together? Or change a room so completely.