Cube with a blocked view.

Effort.

God, I'm happy. Giddy. Goofy. Babbling like an idiot. Made popcorn balls tonight. In memory of Grandma. She used to make 'em every year when we were kids.

now I'm just watching TV and thinking. Good things. Got a raise today. Approval for training the week of my birthday... in Ottawa. I sit here looking at an incredible pashima shawl. My condo looks amazing. I feel better than I have in months. I've lost weight.

I'm me. Good, bad, right, wrong. I knew it was wrong to go back to G. He wanted me back out of fear and control. The problems would still be there. He still knew how to kill me with a single sentence. He thought I was manipulative with ulterior motives. He had his own beliefs about who I was. Most were formed from his ex's behaviour and not me. But we'd never get past that. My anger or his assumptions.

Besides. He couldn't give me what I needed. Wanted. He couldn't be what I need. It wasn't fair to try again knowing that.

It's funny. Effortless. I'm not worrying about when I'll see J next. What he's doing. I'm not protecting my heart. I'm reacting the way I want to. Giddy today. Extremely so. Said, "guess what, you get to learn today about Happy Erin. She talks. A lot. About nothing."

It's great. I feel again. When I cry, he wraps his arms around me and holds me. He tells me I think about things too much. Yep, I do. It's what I do. Too easy to doubt. No reason to though. The guy wants to meet my family. He talks of buying an acreage together. Travelling together. camping together. Fishing. He doesn't hide me. I have breakfast with his friends. See his family when he does. He wants me to meet his friends and did so before he left for vacation. I'm not a dirty little secret. I am a part of his life.

Heh, if this all goes south, I'm gonna feel silly again. But I'm not going to hold back. I want to feel this. I want to feel everything. Life is nothing without emotion. It's nothing if you can't be yourself. It's nothing if you're always begging for something.

I'm in love. I just want to tell everyone. In fact, I've been telling anyone who'll listen. The ex husband. My friends. J. Tucker. Tigger. Bailey. I don't wake up with him every day. In fact, most days I wake up looking at a furball. Weekends I have J. He's mentioned spending nights through the week, but I'm not rushing. It's only been a couple months.

Ok, I'm making myself sick with the gushing.

posted by Erin @ 7:49 PM