Sunday, October 22, 2006

Panic Attacks

So.. after the past few weeks, months.... I've decided to do some research on me. I keep hearing how simple it is to just forget things.

I know I've been experiencing panic attacks. Daily for awhile. And serious ones. Ones that make me sick to my stomach. Or make my heart race. Sweat. Tears. An overwhelming urge to run. Far. Fast.


" The most essential thing to learn about panic attacks are the experience of panic itself. Once it happens, a person's life changes dramatically. Panic attacks bring on the fastest and most complex changes known in the human body. It is experienced as overwhelming, uncontrollable dread, as if one is terribly ill, about to die or lose one's mind. It drastically changes the the functioning of major glands, heart, lungs, stomach, intestines, pancreas, kidneys, bladder, eyes, and the largest muscle groups. Even violent poisons or traumatic injuries have less effect. A cascade of stimulants and hormones - adrenaline, epinephrine, glycogen, cortical, norepinephrine, among others - flood all the cells of the body via the bloodstream. The impulse is to run, get out, or hide.

The immediate cause is believing one is trapped and helpless, by some overwhelming threat. While panic can happen as a consequence of crime or disaster, it doesn't matter whether the threat is real. Often, panic happens after several weeks or months of stress. It happens more often with persons who are very worried, perfectionist, socially avoidant, or who have had abuse in childhood."

Well then... there we go. Pretty good description of what is going on. So, no, this isn't something I can just ignore. It isn't just a "feeling," or a suspicion. It likely has little to nothing to do with what I'm freaking out about at any given time. It isn't something one can just "forget." It's a complete physiological response.

Right now it has a lot to do with my trust issues. Duh. They're the strongest when I'm considering trusting someone. Most of the time I just avoid dealing with that. Ignore it. I call it flying by the seat of my pants, but in reality it's just me avoiding dealing with stuff. Deal with it as it happens. Or just not deal with it at all.

Mostly, I stay paralyzed. It's why I couldn't pick tile for my bathroom by myself. Why I worried over the paint colours I was choosing. Why I still worry that I completely messed up my bathroom with what I chose. Too dark? Too bold? Too personal? Too late now.

My living room looks great though - even if I did have to paint over one of my original choices. New curtains, fresh paint. Busy work. Prevents thought. Prevents dealing with stuff. Lets me hide.

Somehow I managed to push aside the panic. I ignored it. Made myself busy thinking up cheesy poetry, finding hiding places. Don't think I ever expected to go through with the stupid thing though. Treasure hunt. Stuff for him and his dog. Busy work. Distracting myself. Same reason my living room, front entrance, main floor bathroom and ensuite are painted. Same reason I'm curling 3x a week.

Hiding. Running. Pretending. Giving in. Letting the fear rule. There are times I don't want to leave the house. I'm letting this run my life. I'm letting it ruin my life.

I need a break. A holiday. Another solo journey to get my head on straight, as Zig would say. Should've taken it these last few weeks. No one needs to know. I just need to go. Shoulda gone to the farm while mom and dad were gone. Shoulda gone anywhere.

what a mess.


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