Saturday, October 14, 2006

Month and a half of hell.

Here I sit. It's a saturday night and I'm alone. My choice, of course. I could go against every fibre of my being and be out with someone tonight. But I do have a guy (albeit one on another continent) who's on vacation. It wouldn't be fair to him for me to make a decision based on loneliness and fear.

But that isn't what the last month and a half has been about. It's been about regrets, guilt, pain, death, family, old hurts.

I met a guy. Had him introduced to me to help with the bathroom reno. I was mid-run. Grasping at destinations. Halifax, Vancouver, Toronto, the US. Bailing. Hiding. Running from the hurt again. Only more hurt this time. And confusion.

I was going in a million directions. Wishing for curling season. Wanting to run. Wanting to finish the bathroom reno out of spite.

Then I had an offer of help. Someone who came with "references." T came through with a friend of hers who loves renos. Me being me... I wouldn't just invite some strange guy over to my bedroom (ensuite renovation). So there were a couple arranged meets first. He made me laugh. Ok, not a real challenge, but...

I was running. He was running. Last thing either of us wanted was to start something knowing my situation. Was it the right decision? Likely not. To be honest, I don't know. I'm a mess.

When my last boyfriend found out I was dating someone he made a move to get me back. Should have been a no brainer after what I went through. But it wasn't. Isn't. I loved him. Still love him. Feelings run deep for me.

In the midst of all of this, I get a phone call from my parents. My grandma was in the hopsital and they were called to the hospital in the middle of the night. It was up to me if I wanted to go home or not. I went.

I'm glad I did.

I got to see Grandma. The first day, she just held whatever hand was nearest. At one point, mine and Lynn's. It was hard. She was sleeping most of the time. On morphine. Antibiotics.

She looked at my sister in law at one point and said "I have grandshildren. I love them. I'm going to go to bed and go to sleep now." Fear filled me. Did she mean she was giving up? She knew we were all there.

The next day she was Grandma again. Happy. Giggling. Joking. Gave us all hope.

2 days later she was gone.

Trip to Saskatoon for work. Trip home to see Grandma. Trip home for a funeral. All within a week and a half. Reno's interrupted. Heart hidden behind razor wire, walls, armed guards...

My ex husband at the funeral. Sitting with me. Directed to be with the family by well-meaning friends and neighbors. Who am I to say no? Mom's happy. Dad's happy. Grandma's dead. I was trying to feel something. I wanted to cry. Knew I should. Relieved I got to say good-bye to grandma. Tell her I loved her.

The day after the funeral, I took some flowers from the farm and some soil and went to her grave. Shed a tear or two, but still not... me.

Dreams. Odd. Me in the porch of the old house. Screaming that I was a Kelly and it was my home. It was grandma's home. A plane crash. Bizarre curling dreams. Still no feeling.

Came back after the funeral. Two days before the guy I'm dating left for 3 weeks on the other side of the world. Reno work stalled. Hockey game. Time spent saying good bye.

Fear. My ex husband. My ex boyfriend. So easy to walk away from me. Turn away. Ignore my needs, my feelings. My heart. I'm not perfect. Too many emotions. Anger. PMS. Tears. I'm not all laughter and giggles. I have needs. Likely too needy. Too scared. Convinced there's someone better. Others have been too. They've gone looking. Trying to replace me.

What's to stop J from coming back from his vacation and walking away? There's no answer for that. Just time.

Where do I fit? I finally figured out why I am the way I am. My grandma. I'm her. Giggle. Bad jokes. All of it. Now she's gone.

I have few friends. Preferring to hide and protect myself. Too much hurt in the past. Too many betrayals. Too little trust.

Anyway... Grandma's gone. My life has been turned upside down. I'm lonely. Sad. Scared.

I avoid. I paint. My living room is green and orange now. Soon enough, I'll have my bathroom painted and cleaned up. Avoiding. Hiding. Distractions.

My family...are inexplicable. I wasn't asked to contribute to the eulogy. Mom spent more time snapping at me than talking to me. They wanted my ex with the family for the funeral. They didn't care what I wanted. WHat would make me comfortable. Food for after the funeral - I wasn't asked to help. Thanksgiving, I spent with T's family here. Not even a phone call from "home."

The city. A lonely place. People have lives. Families. Friends. Comittments. Stuff to do. They don't need me. Don't want to hear me whining about how much things suck.

2 more weeks. Curling. Painting. Hiding. Trying to find me again. Trying to feel.

Easier to just paint. Highlighter orange. Gone now. Replaced with "honey dipped." Looks great. So cheery.

Just one more facade.


At 10:53 PM , Anonymous The Igloo Coder said...

Green and Orange? You really are in a bad spot. The city makes you feel lonely (trust me I know), but there are little moments that make you feel good. Just wait and explore, you'll find it or it will find you.


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