Saturday, August 26, 2006

Well, here goes.

The reason for this blog. Working through what's bugging me.

I'm questioning who I am.People tell me I'm amazing, then they want nothing to do with me. Apparently there's this amazing part. And the not-so-amazing part.

Emotions. In me, they're powerful. Consuming. The urge to laugh is one I can't subdue. I laugh. I giggle. I smile. At AU, people used to walk by my office and say they could tell what kind of day I was having with just a glance. My face showed it all. Not so good when you're not working when you should be. But my curse regardless.

I live life. Fully. Good. Bad. Ugly. I experience it. I involve my heart. I involve all of me. On one hand it's good. For those people who matter, it means that I care about them with all my heart. It means... a lot of things.

The bad... My emotions are there for all to see. If I'm disappointed, I can't hide it. Hurt. Angry.

This is why my last relationship ended. He didn't deal well with the bad side of my emotions. He didn't like feeling guilty when I was disappointed. Can't say I blame him. So it ended.

I'm not perfect. I'm me. Will my emotions cause another relationship to tank? Am I that bad? What makes me think that another guy will think I'm amazing enough to be worth the grief of the emotions?

I have an offer for help on my bathroom. And it terrifies the hell outta me. What if the offer for help disintigrates after they get to know me. They decide that they can't even be with me for a couple hours to reno a bathroom? What if I get abandoned mid project and don't know what to do?

What if all of these people are right about me? I'm not worth it? Not even as a friend?

Amazing. Ha. "Wow, it's amazing how truly fucked up you are." Or maybe "It's amazing how someone so smart can't control her emotions." Amazing. Maybe it isn't the good thing I wanted to believe it was.


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