Cube with a blocked view.

Renos, leaky roofs and doggy dentists.

Woke up yesterday to more water in my bedroom from that leak. Yep, the rain came hard and fast with a wind and the leak... leaked. Will be talking to a coworker to find out what he did with his roof leak (who he called) and then getting on THAT ASAP.

Had the day off yesterday so I did what I needed to do (dr & counsellor) and then headed off to do what I wanted to do - reno shopping. The indecision is over. Got my sink (vessel????), vanity, tile and faucets all picked out. Tonight, I order 'em and get ready to renovate. Wooo hooo.

I have a very friendly offer to help from one of T's friends. More than happy to have some advice when I need it, but my plan really is to do all of this myself - or at least as much as I can before I cry "Uncle!"

K, maybe not "Uncle." My uncle's an alcoholic who likely wouldn't be much help.

My dad, my brother will be a help, as well as T's friend. Yippee for me.

While on my search yesterday, I hit the west end. While belting out the lyrics to "Missing an Angel" (yes, I sing in my car. Loudly AND badly.) I saw a sign for an Animal Hospital and Dental clinic. Erm.... Now, I know that a toothache sucks and hurts for people, so likely the same for our 4 -legged critters...but doggie dentists? Come ON!

The good news is all my blood counts are back to normal (yay) which means I'm done with the mono (Thank GOD for that). I even went out and had a drink to celebrate. So not a drinker. The other interesting development was my counselling appointment. Hmmm, ok... ANOTHER interesting development. There were more but... well... yeah. I'm nuts enough without analyzing anything else any further.

So... counselling. Let's just say his take on my past situation with G wasn't favourable to G. In his notes he'd predicted the end, but felt I had to find out for myself. It came down to a total lack of respect. And, in hindsight, I gave G too many excuses. Let him have a relationship with me that he clearly never expected to be long term. Especially given the way he feels about his kids. His not involving me in that side of his life is very telling... NOW. I believed what he said though - and still partly do because I don't want to believe I was that much a fool, and because I really think he didn't know what to do and how to mix the two halves of his life.

Then again, it all fell apart when it came right down to me meeting the kids.

I was feeling bad for... well... for starting the fight and being angry. The counsellor said, "you don't dump someone because they got angry."

He's right.

I was a sucker because I thought I'd found someone who understood me and cared about me. The sad truth is I fulfilled a need for him, and once that got into a real relationship with committments, expectations and compromise, he couldn't handle it.

You can't have a relationship without compromise. And what he was doing to me was EXACTLY what my ex used to do. No matter what his arguments. He wanted to do everything he wanted to do to make him happy. He paid lip service to me and what I wanted. Painted my bedroom, installed a ceiling fan but didn't fix the leaky roof... never wanted to progress on the bathroom. He was too tired from work, too busy, etc. Then he ranted at me about starting stuff and never finishing. Even the painting of the bedroom. He edged... I painted. The edging he had to do again on the red wall... never done.

I see so much more clearly now. And it hurts. It sucks. He says he gave me confidence and helped me see I'm amazing.

Well, I am amazing.

So what?

Someone else has to see that amazing side of me. Or WANT to see it. They have to think that it IS amazing. They have to care about something other than themselves.

Hell, I found someone who claimed to love me for who I am - and look how that worked out. How the hell am I going to find someone else who bothers to get to know me much less fall for me... and heaven forbid...stay with me.

It was all a lie. I lived my life in this lie. Desperately wanting to believe that someone existed out there for me. That happily ever after was possible.

I'm still me, and I've had two men say that I'm great, they love me, but... they can't be with me.

How is that great?

posted by Erin @ 3:46 PM