Sunday, August 13, 2006

Life. Love. Anger.

How do people do it? How do they get up every day and move through a world that's so uncaring? So harsh?

It's not who I am. I can't justify it. I can't even find reason in it.

I hate that I allowed this to happen to me. I refuse to believe there's something fundamentally wrong with me.I am who I am. It's easy to say "if you don't like it, there's the door." The problem is that who I am means opening my heart to people. Even if I don't want to. It happens. I don't have a good system of building walls. I want to believe the good. Have to believe the good.

If there is no good, what is there? If people aren't inherently good then what's the point? What reason is there for someone like me NOT to hole myself up in the house and turn to cats?

I lay on the couch today, reading. Suddenly I realized I had a Tigg on me. Stretched out. Eyes closed. Smiling...if a cat can smile. His little head resting on his legs. His paws strething to my shoulder.

And I thought... this is it. A cat. One of those critters people see as uncaring, aloof, unfriendly. And here he was on me purring. Sure, I might forget to feed him once in awhile. I go away weekends and leave him and Bails with food and water. Heck, I got Bails! I trim his nails. Flick his nose when he pisses me off in the middle of the night. And it just doesn't matter to him. He still has to sleep on my pillow. He misses me when I'm gone. He curls up and snuggles me when I'm lonely. I'm his. Fuckups and all.

It's all I ask from the people in my life. But when it comes down to's a concept a cat gets. Love. Unconditional love.

I shouldn't say just cats get it. T gets it. Errr, well, not the whole love thing. But unconditional friendship. Yeah, I make mistakes. I cause the problems in my life. But she's always there for me. Same with D. And Zig. No judgement. No anger. Well, the odd "don't be passive aggressive!" and we're back on track.

Tolerance. Forgiveness. Understanding. Why are those things so hard to find?


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