Wednesday, August 09, 2006

A throw away society

Sigh, post #2 for today. Or 3 if you count 4am. ah well.

I've started wondering something. When did our society become so callous? When did it turn into a throw away society? We have consignment stores and second hand stores filled with goods hardly used before. Clothing worn once then tossed away. Shoes barely scuffed up for sale because of someone's impulsive choices.

To hear my grandparents talk, they threw nothing away. And I've seen their house - they didn't. They made quilts from feed sacks for pete's sake. My grandparents have been married more than 60 years. My parents - over 35.

Me - divorced in 7 so I'm just as guilty of the throw away attitude. Even in dating - for a long time I just avoided. Smallest excuse and I ran away. I see now that I wasn't ready to date. If someone had told me that back then I would've laughed and told them they were wrong. I was good. I was healthy. I was ready to date.

I hurt people because of my stupidity. So, yep, more pot callin' the kettle black.

Why is it we're always looking for something better? I noticed it before in the online thing and, yes, I was just as guilty. But no one is willing to work at a relationship (I KNOW it takes two. Learned that with the whole divorce). At the first sign of problems they run screaming. Surely there's someone better out there! Yeah, this person was perfect for me in so many ways... but he picked his teeth/farted in public/danced naked to show tunes/had a Xena the Warrior Princess costume and it wasn't for me to wear. (no, I'm not talking about people I know. I'm kidding. Joking. Making a funny. Yeah, I know, my sense of humour disappeared for too long)

Maybe she just wore black shoes with brown pants (gasp! the horror), or had cats she spoiled as a replacement for the kids she'll never have. She cries at the end of CSI: Miami when Kane watches the victims walk away.

For minor transgressions, we walk away. Or run. No matter how much time has been involved. No matter the good. People have stopped putting effort into the relationships with other people. Everyone is too easily replaced.

It's an endless search for perfection. The next person will have hair that curls too much. Eyes that are too brown. Skin that's too pale. One too many freckles. Maybe they eat their fruit loops out of the box. They don't make enough money. They make too much money. Work too hard. Too lazy. Eat onions with their burgers. They drive a purple car. Don't own a car. Live in an apartment. Live in the wrong part of the city. They like country music. They don't like country music. They have kids. They don't have kids. There's always something.

So many reasons to push someone away. We call it being picky, knowing what we want and what we don't want.

It's not. It's running away. I wanted to do it in December. The whole NS thing. It was running away. Hiding from my lack of self esteem. Hiding from my failures. Hoping that in a move that long, I'd forget some baggage. The problem is, that's the kind of baggage that doesn't miss the plane. And even if it does, it follows a person. Even in NS, I'd have failed in my marriage. Sure, I wouldn't have to see the disappointment in my parent's eyes. I'd be too far away to just pick up the phone and call him.

But the hurt would still be in me. Using people. Throwing them away. Running away. Hiding. None of it takes away what's inside of us. God, if there were a solution, I'd have found it. I've tried too many times to fix me by adding someone else. Sure, it cures that empty lonely feeling - for awhile.

But then I throw them away. And add that guilt and failure to the rest of it. And I go looking for a place to hide. A soft place to fall. Last summer I did the camping trip and I grew. Some of that baggage ended up at the bottom of a valley at lake louise. I learned I gained confidence. I did something I never thought I could. I dealt with my fear. My loneliness. I came back better for it.
And ended a relationship with someone because I was holding on for the wrong reasons.

Yikes. When did I get all messed up again? Maybe I need another camping trip.


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