Thursday, August 03, 2006

What a mess

How much of a mess can two people make of love? Heh. Yeah, I should've had that answer after my divorce.

Greg and I decided to try it again. A little patience, a little communication and we could do it.

Sure we could. One small argument blown into something huge for no reason. Now he won't answer his phone.

Do I want him back? It's funny. You find someone who's good. And he was that - really good for me for the most part and you want to hold on, ignoring the bad. After all, it could be worse, right? Right?????

Then what? Is there a time when you just have to say "that's it! I can't excuse the bad anymore!" For me there was. I can't live my life with someone who'll question even the smallest things - like the timing of when I bring up issues. The TIMING!!!!!!!!

It was last night I realized that he had to be right. He was more than willing to walk all over me in order to be right. He'd ignore anything I had to say to be right. It isn't about love at that point. It isn't even about what's best for a relationship. It's about what's best for him and apparently that's being right and/or winning. At any cost.

His words to me today? "It'd be different if you'd won." Um... no. First, I'm not willing to destroy the person I love in order to be right or to win. I'm not willing to walk all over a relationship and hurt someone to prove a point. My bad, I'm sure. Perhaps I'd be happier if I were. Much happier if I could ignore anything that went against my prejudgement.

No. I wouldn't be. A relationship is about love. Caring. Respect. Understanding. It's not a competition. It's not a game to be won.

Now, I just have to find it in me to get over it. Again. And somehow find it in me to not be bitter. I'm not a crazy cat lady and I won't let some guy make me pay for his mistakes with his ex for the rest of my life.

Oh yeah. And I have mono. Wooo. Go me. At this point I'm lucky that a moron dr. handing me antibiotics didn't do more damage to me or the people close to me. Mono comes with some serious side effects like a ruptured spleen. Hell, I'm lucky I got through the worst of it like I did considering the mess the rest of my life is in. I will still be a couple more weeks or even months fully recovering.

*giggle* I was laying there with mono and he ignored me for a hamster.

A hamster.

God, what was I thinking???


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