Sunday, July 23, 2006

The mess I made.

I have this problem. I'm emotional. While on one hand, that means quick to laugh, smile and giggle, on the other hand, it means quick to anger and hurt. And quick to say things I don't really mean.

The bad are all qualities my boyfriend abhors. And I have 'em in spades. So, this past weekend turned into a painful pissing match between the two of us. And here I sit. Fairly certain I'm single again. Unable to sleep. Unable to concentrate. Unable to stop crying.

I don't condone his behaviour one bit. His emotional withdrawal bordered on cruelty. His assumptions about what I meant at various times are only equalled by my assumptions about what he meant at various times.

The end result? He feels I was attacking his children. I feel he continually puts his children in front of me as perfect creatures. A reputation most, if not all, children would find hard to live up to.

It's not a new thing. It's come up in the past. I know that his kids come first, whether I (or professionals) agree with that plan. He knows that the constant stories about how cute/smart/witty/loveable his kids are grates on my nerves. I don't think he shouldn't love his children. I think that he needs to realize there's a time and a place and the constant stories of perfection make it hard for anyone to feel they can measure up to his expectations.

I find when he's out with his friends, he doesn't tell cute kid stories. Just to me. It got to the point where we made a deal - I wouldn't talk of my ex, he wouldn't talk of his kids. There have been far more kid stories than ex stories in the time since.

Emotional cruelty. The whole thing started because I wanted more time with him. So Friday night, he deemed my behaviour inappropriate and decided to sit at home. He refused to accept any apology from me and decided he couldn't reward my tactics. When I tried to talk to him, he deflected what I had to say and further angered me.

Not a good idea with an emotional girl.

6.5 months. We were still feeling each other out. Tonight, I made serious judgement errors and I think I cost myself someone important to me.

Of course, that'll just get me accused of playing games. Because I'm apparently the only one who opens mouth and inserts foot before they think things through.

Regardless. I loved him deeply. I don't think I've ever hurt like this before.

My divorce... I was gone emotionally before the day came when it ended. I mourned the loss of dreams and goals, but not the loss of love. That love had been destroyed slowly over time.

This time, it's a pain unlike any I've ever known. The loss of someone...sigh.

He doesn't care to hear it. Why would anyone else?


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