Wednesday, August 09, 2006

It's 4am

And this is starting to be a habit.

I took the little pills that are supposed to shut my head up when it comes to bedtime. They worked. I got a good hours worth of sleep before a dream woke me. Tried to read, but the pills were still working so back to sleep I went. Then 3 am came and what sounded like someone yelling somewhere. Not close by, but it carried on the night air anyway and it was disturbing. And it brought me back to where I am and where I'm headed.

I went to the casino tonight. I sat down at a slot machine and had to force myself to ignore the country music playing in the background. It's bad enough I was dumb enough to put Johnny Reid in my car CD player. Did he have to mock me at the casino too?No matter. I survived. Lost $70 but it seemed to be my goal. Any time I was up - and god knows I was up a couple of times - G popped into my head and I knew I couldn't leave.

I wake up in the middle of the night with a mixture of anxiety, fear, hurt, and anger. I feel lied to, disillusioned, and thrown way off balance by recent events.He's as much as told me that I wasn't any kind of priority in his life. Not only that but I'm a distraction from his ultimate priority - his kids. Yet I beg and plead to be included in whatever manner. wtf? Where did my dignity go? The backbone I built up in the last year.

Why does a fear of rejection and abandonment send me into fits? Why would I rather be treated like a second class citizen rather than the beautiful, intelligent, incredible person I am? Why am I so willing to believe he's worth it?

Don't get me wrong - the man I fell in love with IS worth it. The man I fell in love with made a huge difference in me. He stood by me when I made an ass of myself online. He felt the excitement when I decided to recover a chair and when I picked out stuff to redo my bedroom. He encouraged me. He loved me. I felt important to him, to his life. I felt there was a future and I was willing to overlook my concerns in order to be with him.

It wasn't all sunshine and roses. I've been freaked about his kids from the start. What do I know about kids????? What right do I have to be involved with someone with kids? And don't even get me started on my fears about them and what would happen if we ever tried to integrate the two parts of his life.

We made a mess of something amazing. I don't know how or when, but we did. There's a part of me who wants the good parts back. Hell, all of me wants that. Who wouldn't? It changed my life. It changed me. It made me realize I wasn't broken... or at least I'm not anymore.

But now? I'm dating someone who'll disappoint me without a second thought. A party he invited his friends too, he didn't make an effort to be available for. A party I planned because I wanted to say to the world "Hey, lookit me. Lookit the guy I got." I wanted to introduce him to my friends. At least Zig was going to try to come up from Calgary. Beyond that, I don't have many friends and the ones I have who would come have already met G.When my friends wouldn't come, he invited his and suddenly it was something we were hosting together.

Then just as suddenly it was gone. The rug I was standing on that made me feel special and wanted and cherished and protected was yanked out from under me. Well, ok, it's not like I didn't see it coming. It's not like the relationship is so all-fired hot right now.But I hold onto the love I felt, the love I know he felt.Maybe it's time to stop holding on so tight. I really do deserve better and if he's unable or unwilling to do that for me then I have to accept that and move on. Love or no love.

The good news is the counsellor seemed to think it wouldn't take months.When is a horse dead enough that a person can stop beating it? When will the mistakes of my past stop haunting me? Why can I be this amazing, strong person most of the time. But then when a relationship ends the words some ass said to me 12 years ago come rushing back and I suddenly will do anything at all to prove I'm not what he wanted me to believe I am and everything is held in one person's hand. Giving them the unwanted control over me and my self-esteem. They don't want that position. They didn't ask for it.

Sigh, I even sunk lower tonight though. I left him a voicemail... sigh. I can't even type it here. A fool. Thats me.

Did a relationship Tarot for G and I....


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