Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Friends in unlikely places

Just over a year ago, I fell for this guy. He was a computer geek, liked a lot of what I liked, and just seemed like a good fit. He, of course, ran screaming. There's much to be said about how NOT ready for dating I was at the time, but it still hurt. But he wanted to stay friends. Somehow I managed to do that and get over my silly little crush.

This week, and last week, he's been one of the major contributors to my sanity. He's given me the kick in the ass about the way I deserve to be treated. He's told me that there is someone out there who'll meet me, see my smile, see the sparkle in my eyes and want to give me what I need. Someone who is available for the relationship I want.

And I told him where to go. First, it seemed a tad hypocritical from some guy who decided he was uninterested. Seriously, buddy, if you can't see how wonderful I am, my ex can't, the guy I'm dating could (but now doesn't see me as quite so amazing), then what the hell makes you think anyone else is going to see that????? Give your head a shake.

But wait. There was a time when the guy I'm currently... um... (what do you call what we're doing?????) missing (?) thought I was amazing, wonderful, perfect, etc.

All right. So the prospect of months (or years) spent seeking another foo...err... guy who can think that of me and make me think the same of him isn't really all that appetizing. I mean, it ain't easy being single and 30. And the men out there aren't exactly prince charming. They aren't even frogs waiting to be turned into princes (god help the women who try!).

I'm not exactly Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty either. This is reality after all. My happily ever after isn't going to come easy or effortlessly.

Anyway, back to the guy who could't figure out what an incredible creature I am. He brought tears to my eyes today. I'd messaged him after lunch to thank him for the words of wisdom that did eventually seep through my thick skull. At lunch I went for a short little walk, hit the used book store to pick up some reading material and got three books from one of my favorite authors! There's something about the sunshine, the fresh air, the walk, the successful shopping trip, that just put a spring in my step. I even considered finding a shady spot to sit down and dig into one of the books, but I had no way to know the time so it was back to work with me.

I'm going to go to home depot satuday morning and learn how to do tile. I'm going to go next wednesday night and learn how to build a headboard. Maybe Saturday afternoon I'll hit the laminate flooring demonstration. There's things needing done around my house and the home improvement fairies just don't seem to be getting around to it.

I've got a plan - sort of. I'm seeking distractions. I'm tracking down old friends. That reminds me, Sheila wanted to know how meeting the kids went. Not sure what to say to that. I'm making myself busy.

And getting amazing advice from the most unlikely of places. I told D that G wasn't worth all this hurt. That no guy is. And he said simply "anyone who is willing to cause it isn't worth it in my books"


On one hand I want to say "Yes! Exactly!" On the other hand, I know I've caused G enough hurt too. Urgh. Yeah, not a good feeling. That knowledge that as much as I'm hurting, so is he. And if he's not worth all that hurt (big words from someone just denying the truth), then neither am I.


I still think he's worth it. I see what has happened as a minor growing pain of a new relationship. Feeling each other out. Learning what works and what doesn't. Finding common ground and finding the best way to deal with what is a tough situation to begin with. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Yet I took the risk.

But at lunch I realized something. If it's this hard for him now, what about next time he gets ready to run? Will it be easier to just say I'm not worth it? On one hand, that was a freeing revelation. I mean, who wants to face this kind of pain in the future. Again.

On the other hand it means saying good bye. I'm not good with good bye. And it seems such a waste of such a promising relationship. What if there wasn't a next time? What if we got everything worked out? What if he found the patience and understanding needed to help me learn and change my bad habits? What if we stopped reacting to each other in the past and dealt with the present. Dealt with the two people in this relationship rather than ghosts.

Call me an eternal optimist. A fool. I'm not quite ready to give up hope, but there's some daylight poking through. Even if it is over, I'll survive. I'll do better than survive. I'll move on. I'll grow as a result of having to do all the home improvement work by myself. I'll get more confidence. More knowledge. More to be proud of.

And I'll know I did it because I could. And I'll know that I'm a better person for it. And I'm not even looking to build walls around my heart again. Why start a relationship with distrust, fear and hurt? Why make someone else pay for my mistakes. I might just miss out on someone amazing. I almost did this time.


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