Thursday, August 10, 2006

Another day.

Welcome to another day in my life. Likely filled with more blog entries. No worries, like yesterday only one (or two) will get posted, the rest will stay drafts.

Love. It sucks. There are people who say "nothing's fair in love or war." Apparently for a lot of people that's true. I thought I was above that. I really did.

Too bad this wake-up call feels like I was hit by a bus.

Been listening to Shedaisy at work. It's about the safest CD I own. Well, other than one of Teri Clark's, but it wasn't in the CD case I brought.

This one rocks though. "Little goodbye's" is about a woman leaving a man because he wouldn't listen to her. Been there! Not with G though.

"I will... but" - there's a song. It's about a woman willing to be everything she sees as important for a relationship. She'll be his everything. But she won't be a his dirty secret, his cure-all pill, a barbie doll, his mother's favorite, Martha Stewart, etc. She's saying she's got flaws, but she can still be. "I won't be the portrait of perfection to adorn your wall, but I will be your everything if you make me feel like a woman(?)" Ok, so that last word has never made sense to me... I'm likely not hearing it right.

Followed by "This woman needs." Yikes. Yeah... search those lyrics. Sometimes it's how I feel - except for the picking up his shirts. I need that safe place to land.

"Tonight I'm just me"... ahhhh the tale of a woman talking to an ex. Multiple personalities. That could be me... I haven't numbered them though. Yep, I have a temper. I say and do things in the heat of the moment that shock even me. I mean, when it came to wanting to reconcile with T, I told him everything. I made sure he knew about the guys I'd dated/slept with, whatever. I handed him my blog - ok, not the wisest move, but I cuoldn't see basing a marriage on anything but the truth. The whole, ugly mess of a truth. It cost me. How that person can do and say some of the things I do when angry... eek. Let's face it, i'm trying to illicit a response from him. Especially when he turns it all off and doesn't care. It's like "fine, you don't care why am I wasting my time here?" And I say it.

Note to self... buy duct tape and throw out all phones. Duct tape so I can tape my damned mouth shut and the phones should speak for themselves.

The song that sucks is "Before you and me." "Ever kiss before this was nothing but a waste of breath. Every I love you was just a whoop-de-do." "Every love song was about someone else" "Every star just a wish too far." Yet here I sit. Quite aware that it could be over. Hell, likely is.

I feel like I've been blindsided by that. I mean... I've never met anyone.... Argh. It sounds so stupid. I mean... I've been using emotional blackmail to manipulate him. And I'm surprised he's not going to take it. Well... no I'm not. I'm surprised I was doing it. Sounds stupid huh? Like, how the hell could I not know?

I seriously just thought... bah. Does it matter? Nope.

To me, one day I got upset about not seeing him and it ballooned into this. But then I take a closer look at me and my actions and it's a good thing I haven't had breakfast yet.

Ahhh here we go. The song that really hurts. "Still holding out for you." I'm pretty sure it's about a death, but sometimes it just seems too close to my reality. She lost a guy and she's still waiting for him to come back. Really kinda sad. Hurts, but reminds me not to do that.

Hee Hee... Punishment. LMAO. Ahhhh go find those lyrics. I'm sure a quick search of "Shedaisy Punishment" will provide no end of links. "Somewhere down along the line I guess that love became a crime..." bwahahahahahaha

Why am I babbling about music again? Meh, it's all better than songs about angels.

Funny thing. When I went to give G back the last of his stuff, I took the valentine's gift he gave me. The unused cards and the framed lyrics to that song. When it came down to it, I couldn't give him back those things. Likely for the best. I'm sure it was pure drama to return that stuff. Complete with note explaining why I was. Well, dammit, if I couldn't throw it out, how could I give it away???? So there it sits on my coffee table.

I just.... Communication. What's happened to communication? Understanding? Hope? honestly, there was a point I thought this was just a hiccup in the process. The two of us adjusting. Learning about each other. Trying to deal with the demons from our past and not forcing those negatives on someone else. I thought he'd take a day or two and realize what I am (yes, amazing. Hell, he made ME see it!) and be back.

Eternal (ly stupid) optimist. That's me. I mean... who ends a relationship over this????????? Without talking. Without trying. Just walks away. What happens if I mess up again? I'm not perfect. Can I handle someone expecting that of me? Someone who's not opposed to using emotional cruelty to hurt me when he doesn't like things? Like he said... what happened to talking about it? (I still don't think I had ulterior motives. We both knew what I wanted. Only one of us could see what I was doing to get it!) But walls go up. I get pushed away and feel lost. The ground under me completely shaken as I try to figure out which is his true feelings for me - those when angry or those when happy?

How can someone be so cold and uncaring to someone they love? So calculating. So cruel with his words.

Bah. "Without your love" "What if I had walked right past you?" blah blah blah.

Optimism. "A tendency to expect the best possible outcome or dwell on the most hopeful aspects of a situation." Well, yep. that's me.

Sigh. I had time to think this weekend. Watching my dad with my nephew. He said to me on a recent visit that he's surprised my brother and I turned out as well as we did because he doesn't think he spent enough time with us. They were always with us by nature of their job - farming. They took vacations with us. They didn't just go off to tropical destinations and drop us off somewhere. Even when we weren't with them, we were with family - Grandma and Grandpa. Hell, D and I would ASK to go spend nights and weekends at Grandma and Grandpa's. Weekends were the best. G&G lived a block from the pool! In the summer it was way better than hanging around the farm all the time.

I love my dad. Mom too. I look at my nephew and he's this amazing kid. Well behaved, doesn't throw tantrums, rarely cries. He's a year and a half old and he's more likely to giggle than scream or cry (funny that with me for an aunt!). He has two parents who are always with him (well, not D so much because he works). A grandpa who'll sit in the truck with him while he pretends to drive. Dunno where he thinks he's going... hell, maybe he's like Stewie and just trying to get away from all of us.

Then I think of G. It's all he wants - more time with his kids.

And I'm in the way.


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