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Trust.

I've come to realize I have HUGE trust issues. Massive. Gargantuan. I just don't trust people. I naturally assume people are saying (or thinking) bad things about me. I figure they're laughing at me when I'm not looking. And I don't see why they'd have any reason at all to avoid hurting me.

People ask me why. Well... why not? Let's face it, I haven't had a lot of shining examples of human behaviour in my life. My family aside, of course. It's the oddest feeling in the world realizing that you just see everything in the world differently than most everyone else. I was raised to treat people how I want to be treated. That's the way my family is. My brother is lucky. His wife is the same way. Hell, she makes the rest of my family look like heathens!

I thought I'd found it once. 7 years of marriage and divorce later and I've learned I expect too much of people. I thought I'd found it again, but... well.. it just ended badly with more damage to my trust, more fear.

What is going to make some guy stop looking for something better if he's with me? Seriously. If something better fell into his lap, what's to stop him from taking it? Why should I believe anyone is looking out for anyone other than themselves?

People are surprised when they get to know me. Why's that? Because people aren't like me. I'm from a different world. People are willing to commit faceless, "victimless" crimes because they'll never get caught. They're not concerned about the fact that the decisions they make affect many people. Take downloading music/movies/etc from the internet. It's available. They're not likely to get caught. The singers/actors get paid millions for doing nothing. Etc, etc, etc. All justified. No one is getting hurt.

It's selfish. Self-centered. Ridiculous. And that line between right and wrong gets further blurred. It's no longer a line drawn in the sand that says "to me this is right and this is wrong" it's a line drawn in water. Disappearing, changing based on who it's ok to hurt and who it isn't. Will you get caught? Our behaviour is no longer based on what is right and what is wrong, it's based on consequences.

And so here I sit. Plans partially made. If I follow through with what I've planned, I'm putting a huge amount of trust in someone. I'm saying "hey buddy, here's my heart. And even more, here's my trust." He'll never know how hard that step is for me to take. And will he even care?

posted by Erin @ 9:18 AM