Cube with a blocked view.

Learning.

My house is clean. Parts of it have fresh coats of paint, others are still awaiting theirs. I've kept myself busy these last weeks. Curling, painting, I barely found time to sit and relax. Last night I finally took some time. Had to. Have an afghan waiting to be knit and a deadline of Christmas for it.

Talked to Mom. When I'm home next, Grandpa wants us to go in and go through grandma's stuff. *Sniffle* I've been talking to her. Not that I get any answers. Just some comfort. Sadness that she'll never see my bathroom. My fault for letting it get put off as long as it was.

Made a decision today. I'm not running. I won't live my life with questions. I need to give this a fair shot. Stop hiding. Stop running. Stop giving only half of myself. I've seen what it does. The hurt it causes. The way I've been treated has nothing to do with Jeff. He doesn't even know the people who instilled this fear in me.

The time before I left was a roller coaster. With grandma's illness and her passing I was gone more than I was here. We had two days before he left and he spent them with me. He introduced me to more of his friends. Talked about the future. He was giddy happy again. I have to stop letting fear rule me.

So today I made a decision. I'm not waiting to see what happens when he gets back. I'm setting up the treasure hunt for him. It's not much. Some cheesy poetry, gifts, etc for him and his pup. It's all ready. The sooner I go do it, the better. Lessens the chance of me chickening out.

Had a tarot card. Basically said I've been given gifts and I'm ignoring them. My greatest gift is simply who I am. Open. Giving. Caring. Emotional. I was happiest when I shared that with someone I cared about. It didn't last, but that wasn't because of me. I don't have that cross to bear.

How many people can say that their ex husband and ex boyfriend still love them? I hope that's because of the way I've treated them. Who I am.

When I'm angry, I claim that I've only learned that people don't care and that I have to protect myself. It's not true. I've learned who I am. I've learned not to be afraid of who I am. Regardless of what people say, how they hurt me, being me is more important than anything else.

I'm hurt that he wasn't missing me until he talked to me. Well, it's been 6 weeks (?). What exactly is he supposed to miss? The emotionally absent chick? The one he knew was holding back? The one who was gone more than she was here? Why should he invest any time missing someone who may or may not be waiting when he gets back?

Every day I do more to grow. Making the world around me mine. Covering dull grey walls with warm colours. My red furniture belongs here now. I belong here. Warm. Welcoming. Friendly. My home reflects me.

Who I am. Sometimes I forget. I may not be perfect. God knows I'm not. I know my flaws all too well. I choose to ignore the good. The creativity. The passion. The life I bring. My smile. My giggle. Acceptance. Love. Shoulder to cry on. Encouragement. Support. Stability. Financial security. Family. Intelligence. Friendship.

Most of all... my heart. The core of who I am. I'm not replaceable. People may try, but I'm rare. Hard to find. Once I open my heart... It's a gift. A look in my eye. A feeling.

I make people think about the future. Christ, I've looked at house plans and suggested design changes. I've looked at wedding rings. Lake front property. Discussed where I'd want to live. Dreamed about moving away from it all.

A camping trip. 2 days together. Getting lost, laughing, talking, learning. Not a single fight. Sleeping on the cold hard ground with a dog, his arms around me shielding me from the cold. Words of marriage. Confessing the crappy proposal I accepted 10 years ago. Cribbage by lantern light. Swimming in frosty water even the dog didn't want to be in. Sharing my pasta salad and my favorite dessert. His dog on my lap.

The day grandma died, I went home from work. He was off, but gone by the time I called him. Didn't want to call his cell so I just left a message. When he got the message, he came over. I was sleeping, holding a picture of grandma at my wedding. He crawled in beside me and I woke up in his arms, him reassuring me I could cry. He's got big shoulders. I didn't know how.

I don't know what it is about me that makes men think about settling down. Apparently this behaviour is out of the ordinary. It's made one man run screaming. Not because of anything I did. Because of the way he felt. What he thought. I can't control that. All I can do is be me.

I've been indecisive because sometimes it's too easy to return to the past, ignoring what's gone on. I know it was bad. Destructive. Painful. There's nothing back there for me to return to. Much like my marriage. I tried. In both cases I gave it everything I had. In both cases I deserved much, much better. Here's hoping I've found it.

posted by Erin @ 8:25 PM