Sunday, October 29, 2006

Believing I deserve it.

Sometimes it's hard to believe I deserve something good. I'm scared to ask for things. Scared to say what I really think. But J's the kind of guy that'll run me over if I don't speak up.

He's like me a little too much sometimes. In his own little world. Unaware.

But. Well, the purpose of this post. Wow. What a weekend.

I decided to go ahead and set up Jeff's surprise. Worried I was going to make an ass of myself or make things awkward for him, I had to take the chance. Huge for me. I guess I'm growing. Go Figure.

So. I set up the surprise last Wed night. Went back thurs night to drop off flowers for him. His mother had cleaned. *blush* She'd found some of the... items. Ooops. The good news - it made me laugh. A lot. On a day when I needed it. Another sign of growth.

So, I had the treasure hunt set up. About 5am Friday morning I would've chickened out if I'd known he wasn't at home. But I wasn't sure so I decided to just leave it. Friday afternoon, I got a phone call when he got home from his parent's place. Thanking me for the surprise. Telling me how great I was.

Then he said "want to come over and go run some errands with me?"

Hmmm. "Uhhh, did you get the cards?" "Yep." "Did you read them both?" "No." "You need to read the second one." "Ok, brb."

Then he was off. Searching for the rest of the things. I was called a doll. When he walked into my house and saw me wearing my red dress, his look said it all. He wanted to take me out. Like out in public. In that dress! LMAO. I mean, ok, I'm down about 15 lbs and it looks way better on me, but no. Too self conscious.

Anyway. I finally got home tonight. We're comfortable together. I trust him. Things are just... good. I freaked for nothing.

I mean, sometimes I still wonder, but saturday morning over breakfast he asked what was next for us. Started making plans for a winter vacation. Leaving the restaurant, he grabbed me and pulled me into a hug.

He walked into my condo and the first thing he said was how he loved the colours. Then he came over and kissed me. Gave me the presents he bought me in Turkey. It was so unreal. Like he'd been gone forever, but not gone at all.

Fear mixed with anticipation. A desire to run. All melted away by the look in his eyes. He talks about his trip and I'm happy for him. A tad jealous about the things he's seen. But no lack of trust. He came back to me. He's got no reason to be dishonest. And he's not the type to hang on if he's not interested.

Can't really say he's still smitten. But he is... himself. And I'm becoming more me every day. I want him to meet Ryan and Dawn. I can't wait for my parents to come up. Darcy. Sandra. Cameron. We talk about Vegas for my birthday.

We talk about he future. We curl up in bed and read together. My cats put up with his dog. He curls. He's not running away.

I'm not pushing. He spent part of the weekend uploading his pictures from the trip. I played with his dog and read. Relaxed. Watched movies. Napped. Comfortable. It's good to be comfortable. Myself. No expectations. I know I'm still holding back emotion, but the rest of the time, I'm just me. And not worried about what he thinks when I say silly things. Or when I talk during movies.

His eyes. The look. Love. No questions. No distractions.

I don't need someone with a million dollars. Don't need fancy cars, jewelry or all the toys. I need someone who makes me feel wanted. Needed. Appreciated. Someone who wants to be with me without throwing up false barriers. Someone who sees the roses I bought him and thinks I'm great.

I don't have to ask for more. I don't feel a need to ask for more. I have...More than I'd hoped for. Someone who's there. Someone who just knows stuff. Someone I don't have to explain myself to. The same sense of humour (hellllooooooo Monkey Ninjas!). Shared history. Shared experiences. Too many times he says something that's exactly what I was thinking.

He is...everything I wanted T to be. Considerate. Giving. Wants to be with the person he has a relationship with. Wants to be with me. Loves my cooking. Doesn't mind Tigger walking across him in the middle of the night. Talks to Bailey and calls her Boo. And he thinks the cheesiest thing I've ever done is great. Thinks my poetry was fun. Is happy as hell that I want to be with him. Wants to travel. Curls. And it's effortless. I don't have to try. I don't compromise things that matter to me. I can giggle uncontrollably at bad horror flicks and he's right there giggling with me.

His friends aren't pretentious asses who want me to be uncomfortable.

He's...right. Finally.

I'm happy. I deserve it. And he'd be absolutely insane to walk away from this.


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