Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Being a better person

Tonight I heard something that I'd never heard before this year. And now I've heard it for the second time. "you make me want to be a better person."

Bitterness...baggage... made me want to call bullshit. I've been here before. Heard the same stuff. Am I nuts for believing it this time?

And here's something I've said before... he's what I'm looking for. Right down to the puppy and the red walls he's planning to paint in his house.

But...I've said it before. I've heard it before. Too fast. Too..much. Too soon. Is he ignoring reality? Am I? I've let down my guard in the past. Let someone in and paid for it. I trusted. I gave. I compromised. I got hurt.

I can't sleep tonight. Today was too much. I want to run and hide. And it isn't him. It isn't his fault. He doesn't even have a clue what he said.

Hurt. I need someone willing to be there. Someone who can put up with my drama. My emotions. My family. Someone who gets that I am who I am because it's who I am. And someone who loves that anyway.

When will the "honeymoon" period end? When will reality hit him? When will he, too, walk away?

It's who I am.

It's where I'm from. I've always kinda figured I'm a little different than most city dwellers I've met. Hell, I'm different from most small town folk as well. Lately I've been trying to figure out why...and if it's a bad thing.

And now I know why - and it's a good thing.

So much happened this weekend to tell me who I am. First was my parents talking about a fire that had happened in the past couple of weeks. Mom saw the smoke and went to get Dad. It's harvest - not the time to be going to fight grass fires. So Dad didn't really want to go. But then he thought about it. And he knew that if it were him, he'd want people there to help him. So he threw some fire extinguishers into the truck and off they went. By the time it was done, the fire had travelled 9 miles. No significant damage though - outside of crops.

Sunday morning, we were given the news that a neighbor passed away. She was likely in her 50's. Her kids were in around my age and I've curled with her daughter. Nicest people. Seriously. So, Monday morning, Mom went up there with some food for them and an offer of help with the harvest if they need it. I didn't go. Not a clue what to say in that situation, and I had to go see my grandparents. Apparently, they've been flooded with neighbors taking food and offering help in this difficult time. It's the sense of community. The reaching out to help someone who is going through a tough time in whatever way you can.

Wait, there's more. There's my visit with my grandparents. The pharmacist in town went over to check on Grandma to make sure the pills weren't interacting badly and make sure that they weren't causing more problems. The pharmacist actually went to my grandparent's house and sat down with her to make sure she was ok. She didn't have to. She could do her job then go home to her family and not worry about it. But she didn't.

There's my sister-in-law. Every night while grandma was in the hospital, she went over there with my nephew to visit her. Keep her company. Keep up her spirits. She makes supper for everyone during the week and takes it out to the field for them.

They're small town folk. People who know that their actions have an effect on everyone around them. People who are aware that helping out others will come back to them - and even if it doesn't they can sleep at night knowing that they did what they could. They can look at themselves in the mirror and see good people.

It really isn't all about me. And if I'm not like everyone else, then I'm not like everyone else.