Friday, November 25, 2005

Harems, Dating, the single life and rocks.

Yep, I might actually cover all four in this entry. Just not necessarily in that order.

Being single. It seems to be this thing no one wants. Society has taught us that to be "normal" we must be attached. In fact, normal means a heterosexual, long-term attachment with marriage potential. Well, I did that. Heck, I did marriage. Now here I am back to single and attempting dating.

Now, if you want something that'll make you feel less than is it. It really makes you wonder wtf our society is really thinking. Maybe it's that I'm attempting dating at the ripe old age of almost 30. But as you've seen in past entries, I'm pretty much bad at it.

So here I sit, once again evaluating where I am in life. I've had harems - well, a loose definition of a harem where I'm dating more than one guy. I've had dry spells where I bore myself silly watching Reba re-runs every night and wishing I had someone to be doing something with.

Today, I am dating someone. Someone who has hinted at wanting something exclusive with me. I was interested in him for awhile. But now... I dunno. It just seemed to go away. I wish I could explain it. I've had it explained to me as a lack of shared experiences. Which we definitely have, but I've been in that situation before.

So, I sit here and think. Wondering what exactly it is that makes me want to be dating. Sure, there's the allure of finding Mr. Right. The guy who interests the heck outta me and makes me want to see him day after day. There's this theory that he's out there somewhere. In my experience, if I meet him, he's going to be uninterested in me. For a few months, I've kept looking, hoping to find him, stumble over him, whatever. I haven't. Well, I thoght I had a couple times, only to learn that I just don't have the same effect on him.

Now I wonder if single is really so bad. Ok, so the holidays suck and you get a lot of "will you be bringing someone?" questions when you make plans to go out. But other than that...on a personal I happy dating? No. I'm tired of meeting people only to have them move too fast. I'm not looking for an engagement ring anytime soon. I don't want to move in with someone. I want, and need, my freedom right now.

Next week, I hop a plane for Halifax. I don't want to go there thinking "oh, wonder what ***** is doing tonight? would he get angry if he knew I was dancing with a bunch of strange maritime men?" I see myself going places over the next few years, and I always see myself alone when I go. I don't see myself trekking through Italy with some guy. I see myself going on my own. Seeing what I want to see and not worrying about whether the person I'm with is interested in the same stuff.

I like sleeping alone. I don't have to worry about my cats annoying someone else. They curl up with me and all is well in the world. I can snore and not worry about keeping someone up. I can go out with the Travelling Circus and not care what someone will think of how I behave or how late I come in.

But, I want a driver for when I do go out with the Circus. Someone to take my drunk butt home and make sure I get there ok. Someone to go to a movie with. Someone to gossip with over wine.

I want friends. Those people you can count on through thick and thin... but you don't have to introduce them to mom and dad, and they don't sleep over. And even if you do introduce them to the family...they're just friends. And no... not friends with benefits.

So, I know I've said this before, but... I'm done with harem building which essentially was my way to boost my ego by having multiple guys interested in me - most of which did not interest me in the least. It was my way to find value in myself. only now I'm realizing that it really means nothing and if I want value in myself I'd better make that value and be the person I want to be without trying to find that in someone else.

Yeah, yeah, you already knew all of this, right? I think I did too, but the attention was soooo flattering.

Now, where do I find a rock to hide under?

Friday, November 11, 2005

I am alive

Just taking a break from the blog for a bit. I think there will be updates next week most likely. After this bachelorette auction thingy this weekend.

How do I get roped into these things?