Sunday, July 23, 2006

Anyone need a crazy cat lady?

So. That's it. I've been dumped. My key left on my front step and the sound of his footsteps walking away when I couldn't bear to look up and watch him go.

Why? Because.

I thought I'd learned this once before, but I was convinced I was wrong. The fact is everyone is selfish. They're only willing to give what it takes to get what they want. And they put a value on everyone and everything. What that person or thing is worth in terms of what one needs to give up to have the desired person or thing.

In essense... there's a limit to the amount people are willing to compromise for you based on the value they see in you.

In my case, I was worth little compromise. Well, maybe that's not true. In the priority list of their life, I was low enough to mean that I got leftovers.

I've been dumped because I wanted to see my boyfriend more. I was told I wasn't willing to conform to the relationship. I work 8:30 to 5. I'm home from about 6pm. The guy I was dating worked 8am until whenever. Seriously. Whenever. I had no idea when I'd see him. Or when I did how tired he'd be or how much time I'd get.

He had his kids every weekend. Right now he and his ex are negotiating an agreement as he changed jobs and schedules. It was likely that out of that, I'd see him every other weekend.

He told me not that long ago that I should have a say in it because time with me mattered.

That was a lie.

Up until now, I've never had a real weekend with him. WIth his last job, he worked Sun-Thurs and had his kids Friday and Saturday until after 8pm. A real date with him didn't involve dinner unless there was extraordinary circumstances. I couldn't plan things for Friday nights or Saturdays. Well, a lot of cool stuff happens on Saturdays.

I've compromised. It's been 6.5 months. I'd hoped that in time I'd mean enough to him that when he dropped his kids off, he'd be happy to see me, rather than mopey because he wasn't with them. I'd hoped that I'd matter enough that a new schedule meant I'd see him more rather than less. That he'd WANT to see me more.

He didn't.

He told me when I got my flat fixed last week that he wanted to make sure I could change a tire so I got it fixed then put it on myself. He assured me he'd bring the tools over to make sure the lug nuts were tight enough.

Nope. I changed the tire this morning by myself. In tears.

I spent the weekend in tears because he decided I needed to be taught a lesson about my place in his life. Dead last. I get it now.

Here's the stupid part.

I was going to pay for him to go to vegas with his family.
I spent a night and a day with him when he rolled his work truck and alcohol was involved.
I stood by him when he got fired.
I was going to pay for the two of us to go to cirque du soleil because I wanted to share that with him.
I was going to pay for the two of us to go on the steam trains in Stettler. For a lobster dinner.
I suffered a lot emotionally because I'm fairly certain my parents didn't approve, yet I thought he was worth it.

For 6.5 months, I've compromised. I'd go ride with him in the truck until 2am because I wanted that time with him and I was willing to sacrifice the sleep.

I was an idiot.

But the good news for you, Robyn is I'm done dating. You can be smug in the knowledge you were right. Good on ya. OOOOOH and I lost two friends over this guy. But I'm the one who wasn't willing to compromise. Yeah. Right.

Reality is that I'm not the kind that fits in the selfish society we now have. I'm willing to give too much. And when I want something I get dumped.

Go me.

Go all of you.

Now piss off and leave me the hell alone.

The mess I made.

I have this problem. I'm emotional. While on one hand, that means quick to laugh, smile and giggle, on the other hand, it means quick to anger and hurt. And quick to say things I don't really mean.

The bad are all qualities my boyfriend abhors. And I have 'em in spades. So, this past weekend turned into a painful pissing match between the two of us. And here I sit. Fairly certain I'm single again. Unable to sleep. Unable to concentrate. Unable to stop crying.

I don't condone his behaviour one bit. His emotional withdrawal bordered on cruelty. His assumptions about what I meant at various times are only equalled by my assumptions about what he meant at various times.

The end result? He feels I was attacking his children. I feel he continually puts his children in front of me as perfect creatures. A reputation most, if not all, children would find hard to live up to.

It's not a new thing. It's come up in the past. I know that his kids come first, whether I (or professionals) agree with that plan. He knows that the constant stories about how cute/smart/witty/loveable his kids are grates on my nerves. I don't think he shouldn't love his children. I think that he needs to realize there's a time and a place and the constant stories of perfection make it hard for anyone to feel they can measure up to his expectations.

I find when he's out with his friends, he doesn't tell cute kid stories. Just to me. It got to the point where we made a deal - I wouldn't talk of my ex, he wouldn't talk of his kids. There have been far more kid stories than ex stories in the time since.

Emotional cruelty. The whole thing started because I wanted more time with him. So Friday night, he deemed my behaviour inappropriate and decided to sit at home. He refused to accept any apology from me and decided he couldn't reward my tactics. When I tried to talk to him, he deflected what I had to say and further angered me.

Not a good idea with an emotional girl.

6.5 months. We were still feeling each other out. Tonight, I made serious judgement errors and I think I cost myself someone important to me.

Of course, that'll just get me accused of playing games. Because I'm apparently the only one who opens mouth and inserts foot before they think things through.

Regardless. I loved him deeply. I don't think I've ever hurt like this before.

My divorce... I was gone emotionally before the day came when it ended. I mourned the loss of dreams and goals, but not the loss of love. That love had been destroyed slowly over time.

This time, it's a pain unlike any I've ever known. The loss of someone...sigh.

He doesn't care to hear it. Why would anyone else?

The perils of country music

Here I sit. I've had a weekend from hell and Itunes is determined to rub a little salt in the old wound.

The past 2.5 days have been spent fighting with someone who means more to me than I'd like to admit. In some ways, I hadn't let down all my defenses. It wasn't more than a week ago I was lamenting that. Today, I'm somewhat relieved there were still some walls to protect me. But this isn't about that.

It's about the evils of Itunes, country music and a broken heart. Errr, ok, so it kinda is about that.

So, facing a long, sleepless night, I sit down for some chat with a friend, some online games and some music to distract me. But... what's this? Itunes starts out with Johnny Cash's "Hurt." Uhhhhh... okayyyyyyy. But, I play on, hoping that "party shuffle" will pick something better for it's next hit...

nope. Missing an Angel. Let's just say it has significant meaning. That's followed by "The first cut is the deepest." WTF?????

So yes, for all of you who were wondering...Itunes has a sense of humour. An evil, twisted sick sense of humour. However, by the time it got around to playing "I never promised you a Rose Garden," I was laughing hysterically. I mean really.

Since, it's gone through a couple songs with innocuous enough titles only to have horribly relevant lyrics.

Finally, like a thunderstorm during a summer heat wave, it's granted me reprieve. Corb Lund's "Truck Got Stuck." Maybe Itunes has moved on to tormenting another poor soul.

Nope. Gretchen Wilson's "Holdin' You."

As a geek, I should be exempt from the evil machinations of software. After all, without me, it wouldn't have life.