Yeah... it's love.
I don't even know where to start today. J and I have been house shopping... a lot. We totally agree on about everything when it comes to the house - or at least are willing to to say "sure you can build that home theatre in the basement if I get another awesome ensuite." So, it begins. It started as a "let's take a look and see if we can get any ideas for renos." After the first day of showhomes, we realized we were making each house we looked at our own in our own little ways.
Since then, much discussion has ensued over what we want to do and I think the decision was made for us last Saturday in a showhome in Fort Saskatchewan. The fuzzies so overtook J that he came over and gave me a great big hug and kiss in the middle of a showhome kitchen. Not that the house was that great. In fact it isn't one we'd buy anyway. We found the layout we want later on that day on the west end. Heh, not moving to the west end either. There's more to look at. Realtors to talk to about our own homes and selling them. Decisions to be made on where we live until such time as our dream house is completed.
But...It's the oddest feeling being with him. I know it's right. I know it's what I want. Talk of moving in, rings and marriage don't frighten me. Sure, I still get the "oh crap, what if" every so often, but hearing his voice or having his arms around me solves that so quickly I hardly remember it happened.
Is it perfect? Uh...no. I don't expect perfect. I don't expect life with an independant person to have no hardships, no disagreements and no fights. However the very foundation of a relationship is how people deal with the above. He and I deal well. Extremely well. There's a confidence there for both of us. Knowledge that the other is there and will be there. I don't have to fight for time with him. He knows he can wander away for a day or two and have time to himself. He knows that for me, time spent with those I love is more important than words, gifts or all the kinky monkeylovin' we can fit in 24 hours. Although I suppose the last requires time spent together.
Now if only I could get my cats to stop beating up his dog.
So, sometime this summer - sooner rather than later - we'll be co-habitating. Heck, as of next weekend the critters and I are moving in for my week off (Go Canada Go! Hurry Hard!) Then a week in Kelowna (woo hoo, a real vacation! oh wait, there was Halifax with L and Vegas with T...). After that, a long summer of camping, fishing, hiking and kite flying. Oh, and he's coming home for Easter and the May long weekend so he's earning points with Mom too - willingness to work in the greenhouse always wins.
Every day just gets better. Between the overly poetic good mornings and the late nights (heh heh) I've never felt better. My house is almost to the "spotless" stage, although I'm sure T and B have done their best to add some cat hair to the furniture and the floor - you know, for that "lived in" look. A house isn't a home unless you have cat hair all over everything.
And right now, a house isn't a home without at least one cat chasing a dog.
Eep.
it's just good.
Going to Kelowna. Got a tax update to work properly this morning. Lost 3 lbs. Bathroom reno is done...well, ok I still need a curtain made. Bedroom is clean. DST is over. Everything is going well between T and C. Curling in my club championships. An everything bagel and cream cheese.
What do anything of those things have in common???? Good question. They're all things making me extremely happy at this very moment. Yep this moment. Well, ok, this moment and several others. Like all morning. Likely all afternoon. All weekend even.
There are times I try to figure out why I'm so happy and unconcerned in this relationship. Why doesn't it matter if I see him through the week? Why is it ok that he's busy Friday nights? The best I can come up with is "because I know I'll see him and I know that time will be focussed on each other." High quality time. Means I don't need huge quantities of it. The time we have together is more special and neither of us feels pressure. There's the fact that he wants time with me just as much. Thursday night I'd had a horrid day at work and he came over later because he wanted to.
Regardless, the reasons why matter little. The fact is it works.
We're planning renos to his house. Huge renos. Like adding a couple hundred square feet. Maybe. If it works out to being financially smart. Ok, I'll likely end up as gofer and painter, but I hope I'll be more helpful than that. Maybe tile layer? Siding nailer? sink leveller? Curtain hanger? heh heh...sledge hammer wielder?
I am content. Ok, work sometimes refuses to cooperate, but I'm not going to let that spill over into my real life. Half a day gone... half a day extremely productive. Tax updates are seconds from being complete for another day... a week if I'm lucky.
Dinner with T tonight. We've missed a couple weeks of it and I need to see that I stop letting it slide. At least curling season is *almost* over and done with for another year. 1 game left. Maybe 2. Anything beyond that will be a miracle of epic proportions.
Alive.
So many things I could've titled this post. So many things running through my mind. Just so many things.
I haven't been posting much lately. Isn't that the way? When life is great, there isn't much reason to post and ponder about life's mysteries. We just don't care. Well, we do, but the pondering falls in line behind just being happy.
I wake with a smile on my face. In the night, I reach out for that warm, solid feeling and get rewarded with a kiss and strong arms wrapped around me. Tonight, we lay reading and I lay my book down and just watched him. Touched him. Enjoyed the moment, enjoyed him. Something I never did before. I stared at J's hands, his knuckles, fingers, finger nails... and tried to remember any detail about T's and nothing came to me.
I've found maturity in the past months. The courage to stand up for myself even when it scares me to tears (try explaining THAT to a bewildered guy!). Standing up to my parents. My coworkers. The people in my life. The courage to say "no" when things are too much. The ability to say "you know, you likely didn't mean this, but that really made me feel bad." And I've been rewarded there too. J telling me he's glad I stand up to him. (Huh? glad? WTF? And here I was terrified!!!) The laughter in his eyes as I stood up to my Mom. The hugs when I made a tough decision about a friendship.
I found myself wanting to buy a laptop with my bonus this year and something else was revealed to me. I wanted the laptop so J and I could play WoW together (and even be in the same house!). Being one who can't spend a lot of money on something without a lot of thought first, I wandered through Costco thinking. And as we stood back at the laptops, still considering, I fought back the tears.
I don't want a relationship with him to be time spent playing online games. I don't want it to be online at all. I want to touch each other. Look into each other's eyes. Talk. Communicate. And the last few months of my marriage involved me online trying to find the happiness I didn't have in my real life.
And that wasn't fair to anyone. It's a mistake I won't repeat.
We had another good weekend. A small fight Saturday night after cooking a great meal together that we shared with his friend B. We know we want to entertain. We know we love to cook and do a great job of it together. And we know we have to start spending time in the real world again. You know, that place with other people and all that. The ones you don't talk to via keyboard? Yeah, that world outside the door.
Today, we curled. Work bonspiel. We won the darned thing. Ooops. Wasn't really the intent, just kinda worked out that way. More good times, good people and laughter. Seems wherever I go, that laughter follows me.
January. The month something changed for me. The walls disappeared for good and I let myself feel and be. I trusted fully. I knew this was more than I ever could've asked for. Laughter over puppy facial expressions. Shopping sprees. Hand holding at Costco. Giggles over steak and baked potatoes in SK. Families. Friends. What I always wanted and feared didn't exist. Someone who accepts ME warts n' all, although if you ask him, the warts are just cute imperfections that make me more interesting. (yeah, I know. barf-a-freakin-licious)
I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying the hell outta it, if you want the truth. And tonight I made sure I appreciated the moment. Tomorrow night, I make time to appreciate a great friend. Right now, I'm enjoying the warmth of a soft, furry critter who seems to be either in full-blown deity worship mode or tipping me for the food and water service I've provided. With cats, it's awfully hard to tell.
I am...truly happy. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve it. Any of it. My life. It seems overly perfect. Overly right. But then I realize how unfairly wrong it seemed such a short time ago and I'm thankful and even more determined to make note of every moment. Make every memory last.
And I even bought a kite on the weekend so if it all goes to hell, I can go fly a kite.
