What an odd night. First, I went to turn on my computer when I got home and I fried it. Well, hopefully just the power supply. Push the power button and…nothing. No big deal. Just wanted a way to kill some time before curling. Decided to call J to find out what I could’ve destroyed with that one electric shock… Yeah yeah. Computer programmer and I don’t know.
When I went to call J, there was a message on my phone. Curling game cancelled. Other team couldn’t make it. Likely didn’t want to go out in the cold. Or they’re scared of us. Ha ha. If only. So there I sat. Long, cold night ahead and no computer to kill time. I’m quickly learning how much I rely on the internet through the day to kill the hours.
Decided instead of crashing on the couch all night, I’d rearrange some furniture and get that Christmas tree put up so… by 8:30 I had a fully decorated tree, a mess in my living room and 2 cats trying their damnedest to get to the breakable glass ornaments rather than those cheap unbreakable plastic ones. I even have a picture of a Bailey under the tree having a nap.
And I cried. Sat looking at my poor, unevenly decorated, fake tree (darned pets), and I broke into tears. The first Christmas alone, I didn’t bother with a tree. It had been all of 2 months since I’d come home to him packing his bags so I really didn’t feel Christmas-y. So this is the second tree I’ve decorated alone. It’s a little odd. Ok. A lot odd. I’m used to family around me and…stuff. So that was likely what the tears were about. Oh, fine. I know what the tears were about.
I missed my marriage. Odd. Over 2 years later and I was in tears over something that made me unhappy. I didn’t miss my actual marriage, I suppose. I missed what I wanted it to be. I missed having someone else there to laugh at the cats trying to figure out the tree, someone to help find that one missing cord end – stupid pre-lit trees. I missed having someone taller than me to hang those ornaments at the top of the tree. Had to get a chair and do it myself. I missed drinking something hot while sitting on the floor wrapped in someone’s arms, staring at the tree.
And I missed my one other tradition for the holidays. For that night the tree gets set up. Sadly, it’s something that can’t be done alone. Oh, fine, it’s silly, but it’s just something.
Bah. I’m gonna stick with my other traditions. Donating toys to Santa’s Anonymous, putting up decorations and lights. Watching every Christmas movie that they play on TV – repeatedly. Already at 2 for White Christmas. ½ for Charlie Brown. Finally gave up at 9:30 last night and crawled into bed. Out like a light.
One tradition I don’t have to worry about this year – hoping for snow and a white Christmas. I was kinda hoping for some snow elves to come clean my driveway after the weekend though. Ugh. Did do something last night that made me feel good. I'll find a way to share Christmas if it kills me.
Changes.
So.
There we have it.
Recommendation from the consultant regarding the future of Notes here.
Run away is about the best way to describe it.
The recommendation is to move slowly away from notes as technology becomes available to allow us to.
It’s not industry standard, but people love the apps built in it.
Um. Ok.
So we want technology to replace non-industry standard technology.
My guess is, until MS steps up to the plate, any new technology to replace notes will be…. Non. Industry. Standard.
Ah well. In a way, I get what I want. I get out of notes. Bye. Training. New technology. Challenges. In a way, I’m partly responsible for the decision. Honesty. As an IT person, I’m not happy doing notes work anymore. I’m stagnant. Depressingly so. My career has no future if I stay on this path (notes).
You could see that half the team wasn’t surprised by the decision. The other half may or may not have been surprised, but they were clearly not happy with the news.
In a style unique to this team, we left the meeting silently and wandered back to our cubes. No comment between us. No invitations to head over to Tim’s for a cup and discussing our thoughts on the development. Our self-appointed “spokesman” asked questions in the meeting that were interesting. He asked if Management had made a decision. That had clearly been answered early in the presentation. It’s like he’s holding on to hope that the magic lotus fairies will come save him. It seemed he felt as a senior member of the team he should say something. Should ask a question and make himself appear important. Rather he appeared clueless and as if he were grasping at straws. Will this mean a series of meetings with him and management trying to save the team.
Sadly, the best option for this team is a bullet in the head. It isn’t a team. There’s no communication. No collaboration. People would rather point fingers than lift a finger to help out a teammate. My fear is that out of the strategy interviews, they’ll decide to put team members together who have no desire whatsoever to work together. That all of us will just be absorbed into the web team and disappear, doubling the size of that team overall and allowing the cancer of our team to spread to one that works well together.
I’m not afraid of this. I know that out of this will come new opportunities and challenges for me. Only first, I have to grow up and make a decision about where I want to be. What I want to do. Which direction my life will take this time.
The past
Well, there you have it. I've gone back and republished all those old posts from July and August. you know, those insane, hurt ramblings. Sorry Iglooboy. I can't erase that time from my life by deleting posts. The pain is there. It's part of me. It's a big part of why I'm struggling today with other things.
Still brings tears to my eyes remembering that time. The pain.
Today someone who matters to me is searching for understanding. Understanding about divorce, love and hurt. Understanding why flight seems easier than being happy. I understand. I've been through all of it. The belief that I was ready to move on and find a relationship - as I was struggling to hold on to my ex-husband. Terrified to take that step without a net. Whether that was fair to the net or not. Running from anyone who seemed similar to my ex. Running from anyone too different. Running because I could run. Subconsciously aware that I didn't want a relationship, stubbornly hoping to find one.
I made mistakes. Dated perfectly great guys who were so wrong for me. The anti-redneck. The guy with more hair products in his bathroom than I think I've ever owned. Heh, if you want the list, most are here in my blog, somewhere. Enjoy the read. They were good guys. Decent. But so not me. I dated great guys who ran screaming at the prospect of a separated woman still friendly with her ex.
I did something few people can do - I managed to maintain some kind of friendship with my ex. He helped by understanding when I lost it and yelled at him. He knew the hurt. He'd drank it away. I've watched too many people drink themselves into a walking coma. I chose yelling and obsessive phone calls instead. Then I'd apologize and break into tears.
Then I went to counselling.
I had one foot out of the door and my heart already in Nova Scotia. I was fighting with everything I had to avoid love. Avoid relationships. Just avoid. I had someone in my life who thought I was worth waiting for. Worth being patient for. Oh, how things change.
Understanding. I've got it in spades when you're talking about love, marriage, divorce, hurt, running and hiding. Walls too. I understand 'em because I've put walls up all my life. Since elementary freakin' school! I know all about all of it. Especially running shoes.
It took something incredible to make me put my shoes away. Something I'd never felt before.
Watched Shrek 2 this weekend. It's funny how video games can get under the skin so easily. Memories can last so long. Pain can come up and bite you in the ass when you least expect it.
So. Ottawa. I'm going. He isn't. $$$ and let's face it. I'm flying back Christmas eve. Besides, there are better vacations to be had for less money and I won't be in training through the day.
Just means one more birthday alone.
Just one more day alone.
Hell of a time to lose it.
Night before mom and dad come up. Stuff to do and I'm a puddle of tears on the couch because of sappy tv. My shoulders are killing me and I really don't want to grout the baseboards. I'm tired. I'm sad. I don't know why. This sucks.
It's started!
White Christmas is on TV. Woo Hoo.
*goes off in search of kleenex and warm blankets.* Tigg's already hogging the fireplace.
Either shared or alone - I love this time of year.
Live. Laugh. Love
Ok, so I'm a silly sappy girl. I wanted to stencil those words in my bedroom. Why? Dunno really. Seemed like a good idea. The good news is I don't have to stencil it anymore. Found a sign? plaque?... thing already painted in about the right colours for my bedroom so I bought it. Not sure where I'll hang it yet, but it'll be there.
Yeah yeah. Silly. I know. But those are words that mean something to me.
Live. This one is easy. There are various ways to "live." Some people go through life just barely making the requirements - breathing :) Others live, but are never truly happy. They go through life in a semi-coma, never knowing what they're missing out on, but never willing to step out of that "comfort zone" to find out. Sadly, their comfort zone might be keeping them from really living. Really experiencing the world around them.
It's easy to let those around us dissuade us from really living. Especially if people are living in their comfort zone. When I looked into the move east, I had a lot of people telling me how crazy I was. Family, friends, the familiar that surrounds us all daily. I look at J and he did it in a way with his trip to Turkey. Huge step out of the comfort zone.
Laugh. Some people do far too little of this. I likely do too much laughing. Life just isn't the same without laughter and humour. There are times I've laughed through some crappy stuff going on. So, fine, sometimes I hide behind the giggles. But...uh... yeah. Laughing. Good.
Love. Well then. I've babbled on about love before. It's a screwed up emotion. Leaves us open and vulnerable. Puts us in a situation where we can get hurt in ways we don't even want to imagine. Leaves us open to hurt other people too. It's what I ran from for a year and a half. I have enough guilt after hurting T. I wanted to go through this life making people happy. Hasn't exactly worked out that way.
I guess I should warn ya that there could be some bitterness in the next little bit. Much of it directed at me. I've had the right intentions so many times, and it's worked out oh so wrong. I've hurt people who didn't deserve it, because I was seeking validation and confidence. I destroyed one of the best people I've ever known because of my own fear of being alone and not being good enough.
I sit here alone tonight for many reasons. Depending on the angle you want to take on it. Which "if" you want to chase today. Or I could leave the if's behind and just be happy with where I am. People move on. They heal themselves. T is better than he was when we were married. Why? Because he found someone right for him. G has his custom made relationship. Someone who fits his life. He has what he pushed me away to find. No pressure. No love. No dreams for the future.
And I have someone good for me. Heh. I'm happy with everything. It's a level of comfort. It's. It just is. So hard to explain. I don't have to fight for respect. I don't feel I'll never measure up, like I'm constantly compared to an unrealistic expectation. I'm me and appreciated for that. It's not perfect. Is it ever? I know that answer too - no. I don't want perfection. Do I love him? Yeah, pretty sure I do. If you take away all the crap. The circumstances around us meeting... all of it. It's been an unconventional start to a relationship and I've been dealing with the end of another relationship that I never did understand. Hard to tell sometimes. I'm too busy protecting myself scared I'll wreck something else just because I'm me.
So yeah. Sometimes I need to be reminded to live, laugh, love. We all do. It's too easy to go through life in that semi-coma, doing what's expected. I know. I lived it in my marriage. I settled because I was scared I'd never find anything better. I know better now. I can't settle. I won't. It's love, or it isn't. And if it isn't, the risk of hurting someone is far too great to satisfy my own needs at their expense. That path is too selfish and I've seen the outcome.
(babble babble babble more of the same below.) I went through a long period where I didn't believe I'd ever find anyone. Since I'm kinda talking about regrets... I regret believing the things other kids said to me. Believing Clay's lies, letting him destroy whatever was left of me and any self confidence I may have had. I regret marrying T when I did. A year later and we might still be together. I would have been able to stand up for myself, but not likely. I was bent on self destruction. Driven by the fear of being alone forever. Terrified that given time, men would see me for what I was and run. Messed up, huh? That's why I'm the insane twin instead of the evil twin. ;)
Emotional extremes
Had a conversation with a friend last night who freaked when I told him that J was reading my blog. He has a point. This is the home of my emotional extremes. Extreme happiness (well, ok, that's a little more rare), extreme lows, extreme paranoia, extreme sadness. I'd bore myself to death if I came in here and posted about the normal stuff.
"Got up. Had toast for breakfast. Must have coffee. Will stop at Tim's." Seriously. This is where I deal with the fact that my head doesn't shut up. I can't just turn it off (explains the insomnia). I sit on the train and my brain is constantly thinking. Add to that an overactive imagination and... well. It's interesting the places it'll take me. If I posted the bizarre fantasies here y'all might think I'd lost my mind. Yeah, sure... I'm gonna end up curling in the Olympics. And...riiiiiight, men will be falling all over themselves for me when I do. That hidden talent in Edmonton. *snicker*
There are days I wonder how my life would've been different without C. Would I have had the confidence to keep curling when I moved to Calgary? Would I be on a competitive team? Would I even have gone to Calgary. The plan was horticulture or floristry. Imagine that. Likely would've been just as happy if not happier. Way more flexible as well. I wouldn't be tied to a city. In some ways I wonder how my life would've changed. But do I want it to change? Well, ok, other than the competitive curling thing. :)
Everything I've done has brought me here. And while it's not perfect, it could be a heck of a lot worse.
So yeah. When I'm freaking out, I come here and put it on "paper" then come back and read it later and laugh. It helps with my insomnia and has kept the bizarre nightmares away. Not the dreams but at least I don't wake up screaming anymore. Take last night for example. Apparently I was moving to Battleford with my parents. Not sure why.
So, I think a lot. More often than not, my thoughts turn to the bad. Not really sure why. My theory is that I'm trying to prevent myself from being disappointed if the bad happens. Prepare myself mentally for it. Yeah, yeah, I know. Self fullfilling prophecies and all that crap. Believe it or not, for every really really bad thing I make up in my head, I have these wonderful happy scenerios too. Both are unlikely to happen and my life will keep sailing along nice and normal. I won't be in a horribly disfiguring car accident and I certainly won't win a million dollars in the lottery since I never buy tickets.
So welcome to the Extreme E. The insane side that fights to get out far too often.
Tis the season
Got me a Christmas tree tonight. A fake one :( but a tree nonetheless. It's 7.5 feet, pre lit....green. I dunno. It's a fake tree. Not much to say about it really. Comes with it's own stand?
Might drag it upstairs to decorate tonight. It's time :) My family will think I'm nuts. Dec 1 is about the earliest they ever start decorating. Well, except D with the outside lights. It's Nov 20.... close enough?
My tree. It's not one of those perfectly decorated things with a color scheme and perfectly matched ornaments. It's covered in home made ornaments. Gifts given amongst my family over the years. The odd craft sale purchase and that old lollipop I made back in school or explorers or something. Of course, Bailey has a habit of making some ornaments disappear, and the bottom of the tree is covered in unbreakables... hmmm. a little further up this year what with Tucker hanging around.
Still remember Tigger figuring out Christmas. Smelling the fresh tree, up in his hind legs for a better look. Then falling forward, slingshotting a shiny red ball across the room when he landed on a branch. Luckily neither cat is a climber. At least not of the Christmas tree. Tigger's got a thing for trying to unwrap presents though. My fault likely after wrapping a catnip blanket up for him one year. Live and learn ;)
Christmas. A time of year for family and friends. My family is short one person this year. Someone who's been there for all of the last thirty for me. She was there for a lot, whether she understood it or not. Cards won't be the same. Then again, I might not be there until Christmas day so it's not like there'll be a lot of time to miss her.
Odd
Called J today while I was taking a break from grouting. He was on his way over, just had to stop and do some shopping first.
Shopping. Flowers and a card. A hug, a kiss and an apology. The card. Wow. He's not running. I want more and... I'm scared to take it. Scared to act on what I want. He says he can handle it and we both need to find out what his limits are. But at the same time, what if finding that limit sends him screaming.
Amazing. Me. Again. I'm an amazing woman. I suppose.No. I know I am. I know a lot of amazing women though. Oh fine. I find it hard to believe that I am amazing. I'm just...me. Simple. I'm not...I dont... I... yikes. I've always considered myself substandard. Failing to meet a basic requirement of womanhood. I hate fashion. Don't wear makeup. I burp. I fart and snore. I cry too easily and hate wearing heels. Hell, I couldn't walk in heels until a couple years ago.
I'm not amazing. I'm a clutterbug who's terrified of being alone. I have cats so i'm not alone, I suppose. I annoyingly love christmas. I'm already listening to holiday music. Makes me smile. Laugh. Makes me cry.
Bah.
What does any of it mean. Honestly? It's all crap. I'm someone who doesn't fit a mold. I'm different. Not beautiful. Not ugly. Somewhere in between. I'm what people take as good enough when they realize they can't have anythying better. I 'm not their dream girl. I'm not ideal. They can't dress me up and take me out. But, I'm attractive enough. Good job. Great condo. Maybe if I lose some weight, I might fit into their ideal.
Funny that. I'm losing the weight all on my own. Lot of it's stress. And just doing things around the house. And hating to eat alone. Why make myself supper after work? Why make a mess in my kitchen? Go to all that effort for something that at least 1/2 of gets thrown away? Same with breakfast. Why bother with buying groceries for... that.
I"m not amazing. I'm just trying to live day by day and not lose who I am. Not cave to some societal pressure to be something I'm not. Holding on to outdated ideals and beliefs. Somehow, somewhere, I got strong in who I am. Maybe it's because of the bullying. People trying to make me believe I'm no good for who I am. Because I'm different. Conform or be an outcast. Well, apparently I wasn't able to conform then either. Why conform? Even then, I knew it was wrong to hurt people because they were different.
Amazing? No. Non-conformist. Different. Unusual. Unconventional. At one time that made me a target for abuse. Now it makes me wonderful? Eccentric, maybe...but I thought I had a few more years before I earned that title.
I thought I could change the world. In some ways, maybe I can. Maybe I have. But in reality...the world doesn't want to change. Our society wants to maintain a lack of creativity. Suppress individuality.
Well, wasn't that a neat little babble from a bitter semi-old woman terrified to face the future because she just might get hurt again. All the courage in the world to rail against society and conformity, yet when reality hits, I want to curl up in my bed and pretend the world doesn't exist. Nice, huh?
Grout
After grouting my bathroom tile this morning, I've come to the conclusion everyone needs to grout at least once in their lives. It was... fun. Ok. So I'm pretty much head to toe grout right now, but the bathroom looks amazing and I laughed like a kid. Hell, I played in the grout like a kid, using my hands to spread it on the wall first, then running the float over it.
This bathroom might be my bad luck bathroom, and it might see me go through two men. But at least I've learned stuff and had fun. If only men were as easy to figure out.
Christmas and unfulfilled promises
I made someone a promise. Told him I'd help him appreciate Christmas. That after a holiday season with me he wouldn't hate the holiday anymore.
It was a promise I couldn't keep. One I wanted to, but the circumstances in his life were much stronger than anything I could offer. I wanted to think that I had the ability to make someone forget the bad that's happened to them. I don't. No one does.
So as this holiday season approaches, I consider life in general. Go figure. All the hot chocolate and Bing Crosby in the world wouldn't have helped the Christmas cheer of someone determined to be unhappy. I could tie him to a chair and force him to watch the Grinch, Charlie Brown's Christmas, a dozen versions of A Christmas Carol, Miracle on 49th street and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (not to mention Home Alone, the Santa Claus trilogy, etc) and it wouldn't have made a difference.
I wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want a holiday with a 30 year old divorcee with two cats and emotions running rampant. I know, I know. Bailey on her own should be incentive enough for anyone to crack a smile. And if
she wants to hoard christmas ornaments in her own little hiding place, then one can only assume that she loves the holiday too. Or she's enamoured with shiny things. Could go either way.
I had plans. Lights. Ornaments. Stockings - by the fireplace, ya perve! No. Not on me. Sheesh.... hmmm wait, that mighta helped with the mood. Candy canes. Not only Bing singing White Christmas, but Bing singing and acting in the movie version. A little Christmas in Killarney. Decorating the tree together. Drinking hot chocolate. Christmas quilts. Christmas cards. Opening gifts by the fire.
Ok, fine. All of these things are my little romatisized version of the holiday and they don't make everyone happy. I had this stupid dream that just being with me and seeing how much it meant to me would do the same for other people. Yeah. It's stupid. Overly egotistical. How can my enjoyment of a holiday make anyone else feel anything?
Besides. He was determined to mope and feel sorry for himself. His path of self destruction and pain wasn't clear to me then. I thought I could fix the world. That a simple 4 letter word would fix everything. That
I could fix everything by simply being. I know better now.
There are people bent on being unhappy. Being miserable. They get a rush out of being dramatic. Having bad things happen to them. Hurting earns them sympathy. They fear the reality of success and losing everything that they avoid seeking out their dreams. They stop midway because achieving something to only lose it later would be far more difficult than dropping everything midway and never being happy.
T said it well in her blog. Her description of her walls. Easier to stop the happiness and take a small hit than to know happiness and love and lose it.
So where do I go from here? Next week I'm on vacation. Planning to start getting ready for Christmas. Baking. Cleaning. Decorating. Finding myself a faux tree. That I've been reduced to fake trees in and of itself is a hard blow for me to take. But practicality sometimes does step in and smack me upside the head.
Last year, the day I took down my outside decorations was a day that changed my life for good or bad. It's the day I invited the person I wanted to show
my Christmas to into my life. So much has changed since then.
At least I won't be disappointed when I couldn't fix his Christmas. I won't be hurt on my birthday. I'll have Christmas day with my family. But like the previous holidays, I'll wonder more about what I've lost or given up. Even with all that's happened, Christmas is still... Christmas. It still makes my heart melt, tears well up in my eyes. I'll watch Rudolph and Frosty and the Grinch. I'll believe in miracles and fairy tales.
Why are we here?
What purpose do we really serve aside from the destruction of perfectly good land because we need bigger houses, bigger yards, acreages and massive office buildings? We create the demand for ourselves. Our society has gone from a barter system to money running everything. Everything we do is a symbol of our wealth. The cars we drive, the homes we live in. Even what area of the city we live in speaks to who we are and how well off we are.
Our need for entertainment spurs the growth of multi-million dollar movie, TV and sporting industries. We support a fashion industry that dictates style and colour changes by the season prompting shopping sprees so that one does not look "oh, so last season!" This style "consciousness" even spills over into our homes with each year bringing new "in" colours for your home.
We've lost our ability to think for ourselves. We let these people decide for us what colour sofa we should own, the colour and material we use in flooring, the colours we paint our walls. Even the colour and style of appliances we put in our home. All right, I'm all over that conspiracy - Avocado should NEVER have been considered an appropriate refrigerator colour. Nor should Harvest Gold. But now Stainless Steel is the new white.
Hell, I sat on a blood donor shuttle yesterday with a guy who said that pink is the new black. Huh? I know he was kidding. Smartass that he is. But still. New black? Black is black. Black is the only black we'll ever have. Sure, you might have
midnight or
espresso but they're just shades of.... black!
I don't want to walk into stores to see monochromatic stock. Entire walls of red shirts in 50 different styles or cuts is not appealing to me. A furniture store with nothing but black leather furniture and tan microfibre does nothing for me. Sure, the argument will be made that those are the colours the store sells the most of. Uh huh. Likely because it's what people see. And they lack the imagination to be able to put together something that would appeal to them individually. Add to that the fear that they're doing something that isn't in style for the minute and you have herds of sheep seeking furniture in black, beige and grey. Maybe the odd Sage, Forest or Navy.
When I bought my red sofa, people thought I'd lost it. A few months later, you couldn't walk into a furniture store without seeing red sofas, red chairs. Red chaises. Suddenly I was trendy. The red period didn't last long. Bright colour is too big a step outside most people's comfort zones. They'll grow tired of it and then what do they do? So they buy the same furniture that is in their neighbors home and 10 other homes on their street and tell themselves they'll paint the walls in the bright colours because that's easy to change if they get tired of it.
The colour of our homes, our furniture, our clothes, our hair, our cars or our underwear doesn't change the world. It doesn't stop wars. It doesn't save lives. Fine, it may make us feel better, but why?
Take my job. My job is created by man to satisfy our need for communication, documentation. We build office towers that require elevator maintenance, cleaning people, security. We put all the big buildings in one teeny tiny little area and demand for parking increases so everyone can take their cars to work. Parking attendants. Parking enforcement. Some people don't drive - transit. Bus drivers, transit security, people to check bus passes, dispatchers, train maintenance, bus mechanics. I think you get the picture. And do
Jimmy Choo shoes really make someone a better person?
Our world, our society survives based on our need of other people. We drive the need for our own services. But what purpose do our lives serve? Do we make the world a better place? In my opinion... No.
We're rude and impatient. We consume more resources than we should. We always take, yet rarely give. We make a show of small talk. "Morning Cliff, how are you?" "Fine." Ever notice that most people just say fine? Unless you're fairly close to them. Even then, our default answer is "fine," "not bad," or "good." Do we really care when we ask that question? Likely not. It's just being polite. What would you do if someone said "crappy. My dog died, my house burnt down and I'm dying."
What is our purpose on this planet? are we supposed to make each other miserable? Live in our little homes and pretend no one else exists? Are we supposed to build monolithic towers and go to work in cubicles with people we don't even come close to respecting much less liking? In our search for happiness and meaning, why do we put up with jobs that make us unhappy and stressed? Why do we put up with people in our lives who just drain the life out of us. Why do we care? Why do we love? Why?
Why.
Blood donation
4th blood donation today. First time it's ever hurt. And I mean hurt. I gasped when she put the needle in my arm. Evil woman. Still hurts. And it really shouldn't. The good thing is I have a reason to not sweep tonight curling :) My third's a nurse though, so watch her tell me I don't have to take it easy! Evil woman.
I'm not even sure why I donate. It's easy at work. Someone organizes it, I just sign up and hop the shuttle. No reason not to really. It's a pretty simple thing and it helps people.
I know of two women here who've made more than 50 donations. That's a lot of blood. Makes my 4 little pints seem minuscule. Ok, fine, they're a lot older than I am - grandmothers. Still, it's cool that people have given that much.
Meh, I can't change the world like I once thought I could. But I can still do what I think is right.
Imagine that
All things point to me doing the right thing. Maintain the status quo. Don't push. Just be. Thank god for curling. I can easily not be clingy and needy. I'm hoping that ends up his realm.
He's coming to Ottawa with me. I took a leap and asked him today. Big leap. Hard for me. Was afraid. My fear is my biggest enemy. It's what stops me from asking for what I want. It's what stops me from being at his house right now.
Will this make me happy? No. He and I need to talk. I won't be the one giving up everything. I won't be the one compromising everything this time. I just want someone who wants to be with me. I know he does, but he holds back. Wants his hermit time. I'll stand back and give him the space. I've learned what not doing it does. In time, things have to change. But it's early.
Love.
Love has to be the most confounding concept in our world. We try to force something that doesn't exist. Or we try to ignore what does exist. We pretend. We lie. We protect ourselves. We hurt, we get hurt. We wander through life searching for love, avoiding love, or denying we need love.
One thing I've learned, you can't force it. If you don't love someone, you don't love 'em. If someone doesn't love you, you can't do a damned thing to make anything different. As I'm learning, you can't ignore love either. The emotion is there or not.
We can obsess over it. We can ignore it. We can pretend it doesn't exist. Hide our happiness or our hurt, but we can't change reality. Love is a feeling that isn't easily explained. It keeps us hanging on when we should've long let go. It gives us reason to drop our defenses and go after what we want. It makes us cry over sappy Christmas songs.
It causes family disagreements, untold disappointments. We dance around our wants, our needs. We do things for people just because. We buy fuzzy dice and send emails from distant countries. We smile more.
And...for my anonymous commentor... I don't mean Grandma is here with me. I mean she's somewhere looking out for me. Dunno what she's doing or where she's doing it. It's a feeling of calm I have. Serenity. She's working somewhere in my interest. I wish she were here. I would love to be able to talk to her. Hug her again. Talk to her. Instead, I just feel that she's out there somewhere being Grandma.
And nope, still haven't been drinking. It's bizarre.
Grandma.
I've had this oddest feeling lately that Grandma is looking out for me. She said in the hospital that when she got out she was coming up to see my bathroom and if I had some guy hidden in there she was going to kick his butt. Or something along those lines. I have this feeling of being protected - although that begs the question where the heck was she when I fell down the stairs or when Tucker was chewing on my boots... But seriously. For some reason, I feel...ugh, it's bizarre.
No. I have not been drinking.
Snow.
I wish I could say this was a snow day, but it isn't. I'm at work, unlike the rest of the world. Train was empty this morning. Same with the parking lots downtown. Short lineup at Tim's.
I love the snow. Soft. Romantic. Makes me think of Christmas. I'm going to start my baking tonight. Finish painting. Maybe drag out the box of Christmas decorations. Christmas music. Yep, I know it isn't even Nov. 15th yet. But this year my heart is into it.
I want to drink hot chocolate in the snow. Wander through the malls picking out gifts. Drive through Hawerlak and look at the lights. Walk around the Legislature. Woo hoo, look at my sappy ass. I want to take my nephew tobogganing. I want a tree and lights. Presents wrapped. Stockings.
I want new traditions mixed with the old. Mittens and rosy cheeks. I want the Norman Rockwell Christmas again. Card games played until the early morning. Sandra's cheese ball. Mom's cookies. Dad's stuffing. And John Deere logo's spread throughout the house. I want to curl up by the fireplace with a quilt and a cat and watch big fat flakes fall. I want Vegas for my birthday, but I know that's out.
I want the fairy tale. Yet I know it doesn't exist. How does that fit with my image of competent computer geek? Chasing dreams and rainbows. Believing in glass slippers and kisses that turn frogs into princes. I've succumbed to the TV generation. Images of perfect snow falling Christmas eve. The right thing said at the right time. Candles. Holly. Glowing lights on a perfect tree.
Images of perfection that are marred in real life. A cat that steals Christmas ornaments. Mom declaring that she is
not having Christmas next year. Yelling. Impatience. No perfect flakes falling at just the right time. Unless you consider my family the flakes. I'm the divorced daughter screwing up the numbers for card games.
Reality and what I wanted at this point are so far apart. That is what I'm adjusting to. Trying to figure out life. At 30, the fairy tale is just plain dysfunctional because all the characters are dysfunctional. And each attempt we blindly make adds to the dysfunction.
Snow. More snow to shovel. More questions unanswered.
Sometimes answers come to us when we need them most. My friend in Calgary sent me an email this afternoon.
"The good you do today will often be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway."
"If you are kind, people will accuse you of being selfish, having ulterior motives. Be kind anyway."
"What you spend years building, someone will try to destroy overnight. Build anyway."
"Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give the world the best you have anyway."
The more things change
The more they stay the same. Tigger ruined another nights sleep. He's territorial. Possessive. He's saved me grief. Made me feel better when I felt the world abandoned me. Protected me when I was sick. He thinks he's protecting me now. He's been right in the past.
I'm back to my old klutzy self. I fell down Jeff's back steps tonight. 2 new bruises. One pair of ripped jeans - my favorites too! Not sure who's fault it really was. Tucker chewed the bottom of one of the heels of my boots off so it isn't quite as stable as it used to be. Jeff shoveled the snow off the steps, but there was still some there. And of course, there's me. It's not unheard of for me to turn an ankle on flat, dry ground. Compound that with jeans that are long enough they could've been under the heel adding to the instability. Regardless, I know myself well enough to know that I fall down my own stairs.
He was at the bottom of the stairs when I got up, wrapped his arms around me full of apologies.
Why do I seek out perfection? Why do I think my choices have to be right all the time? Why am I so afraid to make a mistake? My life to this point is typically considered a good one. Unless you look too closely. Really know me.
I get deeper and deeper. Friends. Family. My family will be here later this month. Or so they said. big maybe. Rush to get the bathroom done - since I"ve been avoiding the grout. Almost got home to do it this morning, but... J wanted me to hang out at his place. He'll do it this week. I might do it tomorrow night then he can just worry about putting it back together. I dunno. See how tomorrow goes. Might just want to crash on my couch.
This time the adjustment is going well. We're different. Have different needs. Different expectations. But we can talk about it. It's a change. I'm still afraid to broach some things with him, but I did last night. "So. What are your expectations. It's easier if we just understand where each other are right now." And we talked it out. And I bluntly asked if he was expecting this to be on his terms and if he was willing to deal with change or if he just wanted his past life with a girl at his beck and call. He's willing to give as long as I am.
This weekend was a weekend for memories. Chai Lattes. Nathan. Trevor. Clayton. Kees. Mistakes. Hurt. A lot of hurt. Trying to explain I was dumped for being clingy, needy, emotional to someone who's never seen any of that. Trying to explain that I really do cry to someone who only saw me cry once about my grandma and that ended as soon as I realized he was awake.
I hold back. A lot of me. Then again, it's what I hold back from the rest of the people in my life. Only a few have seen past those walls. Only 2 really know. Two. Only one appreciates what he learned too late. He doesn't know how I still hurt. The questions I have. The confusion. The all out pain. I let someone in. And once there he used what he knew to destroy what he found.
Well then. This was supposed to be about my weekend. The bruises from the fall. The ripped jeans. Tucker and what I learned about unconditional love and trust. He's a pup. He's never had that trust destroyed. He'll never cower. Well, except with Tigg is around. He even runs to me for protection from Tigger, not realizing that just makes it worse. Today he curled up with me on the couch. His eyes watching me as I ate jelly beans and watched "The Incredibles" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
He doesn't hold back. Full out wagging, great big puppy kisses as I pull off my shoes. Cold nose on the back as I try to sleep. He's unapologetic for who and what he is. He just loves.
How do you get it right?
We go through life blindly. Following dreams, goals - whether they're our dreams or what others dream for us. We seek happiness and sometimes destroy that happiness once we've found it. Disbelieving that it could happen to us.
How do we get to that point? Self destructive. Watching yourself make decisions that go against all logic. You could hold something perfect in your hands, yet be distracted by something else and let perfection fall. My marriage. Was it perfect? No. I'm learning that it could have been worse. Was I asking too much? Dad finally put that to rest - no, I wasn't. I still wonder why I wasn't good enough for him to treat me better.
Then again, does it have anything to do with me? He made his decisions. He let his perfection slip through his fingers because he didn't believe he had to do anything to keep me. Yet, when he came back to me willing to do what it took, I turned him down. I'll always wonder if that was the right decision, but would he have maintained that change?
No. I've proven I don't stand up for myself. I fear doing it. When I do... it goes poorly. My marriage. Yikes. Maybe I'm not meant to stand up for myself. I don't know how. I started last night. J said something that bugged me. Had me in tears actually. Made a joke about me being clingy and needy. He doesn't know. How do you tell someone that...you were dumped for being clingy and needy? Emotional? He doesn't know I cried. I can't when I'm with him. I can at work. Dear god, yesterday I was fighting off tears more than once. Stress.
Then I'm on the ice. We lost. I curled badly. But I set foot past those doors, feel the cool air, step onto the ice and it's another world. It's my world. My home. Perma-grin. Uncontrolled giggling. I'm someone else out there. I see it in the way that K treats me. He's learned. At work I'm not the chick he met out on that ice. My smile is different. My greeting less...effusive. Road rage, work worries, relationship crap...gone.
Go figure, my happy place is a sheet of ice. Thank Hank I curl 3x a week.
It was after the game the incident happened. I dropped J off ant home and came here. Had to. After that day. Needed Tigger snuggles and Bailey purrs. Got them in spades. Called J and asked what I'm doing that he thinks is clingy. I see him on weekends. At one point, that wouldn't have been enough. But it's a real relationship this time. I see him on weekends! Dates. Friends. Movies. Dinners.
I don't know how to do this. How do you get life right? What if B would've been a better decision than A? C? F? I've made one horrible mistake. It hurt everyone around me including someone who meant the world to me. He could say the same thing. My family misses him. My cats don't remember who he is.
I bought a condo with a leaky roof. I renovated a bathroom. Adopted cats who seem hell bent on ensuring my old maid status. I ignored the bullies rather than standing up for myself. Moved to Calgary. Didn't move to Halifax. I offered a silver ring to my family without telling them I suspected it was grandma's engagement ring. I painted my living room yellow and green. Hung "champagne" curtains. Bought red furniture.
Some decisions don't affect life much. Others affect life forever. I try to make the right decisions when affecting other people as well as myself. Lies. Hurtful words. Words said in anger that can't be taken back. I plan to take the engagement ring to grandpa and ask him about it. If he wants it back, he can have it. He should have it. I gave my great grandma's jewelry boxes to my parents. They shouldn't be mine. Same with the pearls. If they have value, they should go to Sandra. I have some from my other grandma.
I try not to cheat. Steal. I treat people the way I want to be treated, whether I get the same in return or not. I know that is right. I'm just trying to figure out how to get treated likewise by people. How to have the people in my life who won't hurt me.
I work at a company I love, but I hate my coworkers. No respect. A team that is so far from a team it isn't even funny. But I don't leave. I hold out for a position in another team. Away from this crap. People who respect me. Yet, I don't understand why the team i'm on is so problematic. I don't know why I'm a target and once again seem to be a divisive issue.
I don't know how to get life right. Don't know how to make friends. Keep friends. Not a clue how to date or be in a relationship. I'm 30 years old and I can't figure it out. I bounce around, following my heart, my gut. I'm impulsive. I'm like few other people out there. However we live in a society where uniqueness is frown upon. Different is bad. My laughter is unusual. I'm shy. I curl. I love.
I feel wrong. Out of place. Confused. Broken. I have amaturish paintings my grandma painted and I love them. They'll get hung in a prominent place in my living room. The jewelry I got that means the most is the costume jewelry that she would have worn. I realize my gift from her is who I am. Material possessions won't change that. It's my laugh. My ability to crochet and quilt and cross stitch. To cook and tell stories. My memories of grandma are in the life in my eyes. The honesty of my smile. The love in my heart.
Did she get life right? Depends on who you ask. From my point of view, she did just fine. She never apologized for who she was. She just was. She said to me in the hospital that she and I have nothing to talk about anymore. I'm too far away. Too Different. She was wrong.
I didn't get things right. I stopped spending time with them when grandma couldn't play cards anymore. I avoided visiting because it hurt to see her get worse and worse.
Mistakes. Some can never be undone. The hurt never erased. Abandonment. Words that echo long after you realized you didn't mean them. Words never said because you thought you had time. Words ignored because you didn't want to hear them.
How do you get life right?
wow, I've changed.
What a difference a couple years makes. 2 years ago, I was only a week into my separation. I thought I knew it all. Had it all figured out. About 6 months after that, I started this blog. And going back today, reading all of my old posts, I had to giggle.
A year ago, I wasn't ready for a commitment. My blog says so! I was so busy running from everyone I dated, I wasn't bothering to analyze my fear. Most, wisely, let me run. I chuckle at my crazy cat lady plans. My dreams of NS. My struggles with the world of dating. I decided I was happier alone, yet I continued to search. In
November 2005, I babble about wanting friends. Yet 2 months later, I was falling in love for the first time in years.
This morning, I shoveled my driveway. Gotta love Edmonton winters. Rain, snow, cold, warm. Yet the snow is beautiful. Romantic. Makes me think of planning a mountain getaway with a stack of books. Or just curl up by my fireplace with the books and my cats.
Then I drove to work marveling at the differences in winter driving theories. I've come to be able to pick out the 4x4 drivers by how closely they need to see my trunk. Is it any wonder we have soooo many accidents in this city?
As the temperature drops a good 20 degrees today, I think back to the night that doomed our curling league. Didn't really see it then. Maybe I just didn't want to believe it. The temperature dropped to -38/-39. Lower with a windchill. At -40, we call off our games. It was a late draw and our Vice Pres. was getting calls from the curlers asking if curling was called off for the night. God knows I didn't want to go out in that weather. No one could reach the president so the VP finally made a decision.
It wasn't easy for her to do. And she tried to contact the president to no avail. My team was playing the VP that night so we'd already decided we were canceling our game and calling it a tie. So she made the decision to call off curling. She actually contacted all the skips she could reach and asked them what they wanted to do. A downright democratic way to do it. The decision was made and we all stayed snug and warm in our homes.
The next week, the proverbial ___ hit the fan. The president ranted at the lot of us and declared we were all taking losses for the previous week for not showing up as
she hadn't decided we weren't curling and she'd shown up and curled. The club rules clearly state -40 as the temperature and we hadn't reached -40. Wind chill would not be taken into account. Nor would the vote taken by the skips. Rules were rules and we'd broken them.
One more example of the inflexibility some people demonstrate. They live in a world of black and white, not recognizing gray. Hell, gray? What about green? Blue? Yellow? Red? She has no idea what that one night cost her. The next year, the vice president left the club and I was elected in her place. Sadly, the VP wasn't the only one to leave. Many others did as well and my understanding is it all comes down to our current president. I've been told directly that some would return if we had a different president - which was supposed to happen this season, but she wouldn't hand over the role. Said she'd agreed on a full term, not just a year.
I may never see president. Last year, the parent club told us that if we didn't get our club membership back up, we would be amalgamated with the other ladies league. Our president heard her own version of that and she didn't go to the parent club meetings as she was supposed to so she has no idea. She seems to think our club is invincible.
My team has spent our pre-late game drinking sessions discussing ideas for growing membership. I've talked to J about it and he had some good suggestions too. Emphasize the social aspect of our club. Invite the women from the Learn to Curl league. I decided on a goal of 2 new teams next year - if there is a next year. My hope is one team will come from the group who left. I'm short skips and as our league ages, our skips are retiring and leaving us with no replacements.
'Nother day
Some days go so well. Calls are handled smoothly, there are no disputes, no screw-ups. And there is peace in the land. Why does it seem those days are the days that certain people don't come into the office? This team is a mess. A disaster. And it's ridiculous.
And... I'm strangely peaceful even considering that. I'm not looking for work. I have my headphones firmly in place and a desire to laugh at the hypocrisy rather than freak out and bail.
Maybe it's the undecided future for me. Considering bolting, but this time, I have someone who's equally willing to bolt with me. In fact, he's leaning more toward it every day. Which means... patience, grasshopper.
I sit here munching the last of the grapes from my breakfast and life is good. Not only am I making it to work on time, I'm typically early. My cats get to spend every night annoying the hell out of me while I try to sleep, but even last night with curling, I managed to spend some time with him. He makes a wonderful body warmer. I'd say butt warmer, but last night all of me was downright frosty.
My doubts are vanishing. Quickly. Erased by muddy lab footprints and plans to buy a lake lot. And erased by conversations like last nights as I bent to kiss him before I left.
He loves my laugh, my smile. He loves that I find his pup eating bugs hilarious. That I can crash out reading in his bed while he wanders around and does stuff.. We can talk. He's seen me cry once. We don't fight - not even during the renos. I have no reservations. No kids. No ex wife. He has a great job even if his vacation made him hate where he works. He wants what I want. No anger. No jealousy. I'm not compared to an unrealistic image. His dog gets the back seat of the car.
And that's that. My last gush on here about him. Want to take this back to my little ranting corner of the web. All this personal crap is gonna go somewhere more... personal.
So, it's another day. Curled last night. Won. Curl tonight - late game, pre-game drinks...should win again. What does it say about us that we play better with booze in us? I think it's more the camaraderie that the hour pre-game gives us. A chance to chat. Relax and get to know each other. It's something I'm glad Linda suggested last year.
Well, I'm off to sit and grin at my computer screen.
My name is Erin and...I am a notes geek
for the past... eek... 10 years, I've been a Lotus Notes programmer. Now, with all the respect and adulation that this career choice brings me (for those that don't know... it's NONE), I have something to say and I'm sure you're all gonna want to hear it.
Yes. Really.
Today I read a blog entry from the lead product designer for Hannover (Lotus Notes 8). Basically they want to get rid of an old Notes feature because it's hard to implement in the new version. The suggestion that this feature be removed has been met with shouts of dismay, some could even be described as screams of pain. Even the odd threat to drop the Lotus Notes platform and move to (gasp!) Microsoft.
What kind of feature could cause this much turmoil? This much heartache? What could make loyal Notes developers and users threaten to lay down their weapons and march to the other side of the long battle?
Right Double Click. Ok... let's hear it... the collective "what the hell is right double click?"
In Lotus Notes - a long, long time ago (v2?) - wise developers decided that a right double click should close the window you have open. It doesn't close notes, but it will close any window open in the tabbed interface. And the Lotii (ok, back then it woulda been Iris devotees) bowed down and offered up virginal sacrifices to these sage developers. Well, ok, that's just made up, although I'm sure whoever came up with the idea really hoped for the virginal sacrifices. Or maybe just a future release code-named after him (or her).
As the years passed, this feature went from default setting to a preference you have to go dig up and set when you start a fresh Notes install. New users were never indoctrinated into the cult of the right double click. I'm well aware of that as whenever I have to connect to client computers, it takes me a couple of right double click attempts before I realize that the preference has not been set. I then bite my tongue and narrowly avoid going and setting the preference.
Many will argue that right-double-click closing a window is not standard behaviour. In fact, no other application supports this pretty little feature. There are tools you can download that will allow you to implement the functionality for other applications, and firefox supports a middle click to close tabs - which supports the argument for a mouse shortcut for this purpose. I'd like to also add that there is no standard right-double-click behaviour so it isn't like a right-double-click is suddenly formatting someone's hard drive when they least expect it.
What I don't understand is how something becomes a standard. I can agree that in the 15 years that Notes has existed, right double click has not become a standard. It can be argued that 15 years is plenty of time to gain a following and become standardized. The problem? It's Lotus Notes. And while it holds approximately 42% of market share (the remaining 58% held primarily by Outlook and Novell), it is a corporate solution. It isn't something that Joe is going to use at home to read his mail. So, like SAP, Peoplesoft, and Oracle databases, it's something that stays at the office.
With the feature turned off in post R4 versions, many new users didn't know about this funky little feature. It became a source for "Notes Tips and Tricks" documentation or end user training sessions. Most of the user community remained unaware of the capability unless some geek walked by determined to change the way the world closes windows.
Myself? I use it religiously. Sure, ESC works and apparently there are other shortcut keys to close the window, but for me a right-double-click is second nature. AND if I happen to have something else that considers itself the active window (an MSN chat window for example), a right double click doesn't affect it at all, while ESC closes the window. I forget that it's a feature that has to be enabled, so in a fresh install, it takes me a moment of disbelief when RDC does nothing. Then off I go to make my world a happy place again.
A quick conversation with my coworkers shows that they, too, use the feature extensively and would miss it if it went away. These are the people who have been notes users, developers, and champions for years. They're the ones who stuck around and suffered the slings and arrows of clients who believe Microsoft is the only way and anything else is pure trash. These are the people who have kept Lotus Notes steady at 42% market share.
I understand that in rewriting the app from the ground up (based on the Eclipse framework), some things are going to be different. And it isn't like they're talking about removing Access levels for databases or the ability to code in HTML, Java, Javascript in addition to proprietary Notes languages. They aren't removing basic email functionality or CSS.
But they are removing a simple little feature that may not be heavily implemented, but for those who have implemented it, it's a heavily used feature. They are making a big mistake by ignoring the user experience. Sure, using Ctrl-V to paste from the clipboard can be done with windows menus, but removing that keyboard shortcut would result in screams of pain from those who use it regularly. Or removing Ctrl-B to change your font to bold. These are things your users are accustomed to. And these are the little things that keep them using your product.
If RDC goes away, I won't walk away from Notes. I likely won't have a choice as my company is currently evaluating Lotus Notes' role in our organization. The decision is out of my hands, and the right double click functionality obviously isn't even on the radar for the evaluation. Yet, I wonder what else will be deemed unimportant because it poses a design or a coding problem.
Remembrance Day
Do you have your poppy yet? I do. In a strange twist, I've dropped my "ignore every holiday" stance for the year and donated to receive my poppy. I suppose I would reconsider the holiday thing when it came around to Christmas anyway - although being in Ottawa would make it difficult to really celebrate the big day.
But, I digress (no! not me!). Something happened yesterday to make me consider what Nov. 11 really means to me. On the train, I sat across from a woman wearing a white silk flower pinned to her coat. I took a second look and in the flower's centre was the word "Peace." At first, this seemed an appropriate gesture. We all want peace don't we?
But what is Remembrance day about? Is it celebrating war? I don't think so.
Now, to be fair, I haven't attended a Remembrance day service since I had to in school. My memory was a tad faded on what exactly we were honouring with the day. I remember men dressed in suits decorated with medals. Wreaths of poppies. That lone trumpeter sending chills down my spine. And of course, "In Flander's fields, the poppies blow; between the crosses, row on row..."
Most meant little to me then. Other than that interminable wait for a minute of silence. What did I have to remember? In reality, the first Remembrance day was "celebrated" in 1919. 70 years later, the reality of WWI and even WWII was lost on a farm girl in Saskatchewan. Sure, I knew some veterans. Who doesn't? I knew many of the men dressed in medal decorated suits, but I knew nothing about their time in the war.
So I did a little research. The Gov't of Canada has a
great website about the day. We aren't celebrating war with the day. We're celebrating and honouring the people who did what they had to do, whether they gave their lives or not. We're remembering the cost of war and remembering history to prevent repeating it.
Remembrance Day isn't about war or peace. It's about the men and women who did what they felt they had to do.
Travel to The Netherlands and talk to the people there. May 4 every year, they honour a remembrance day for those who gave their lives. On May 5, they celebrate Liberation day - the day the surrender of German forces in the Netherlands was negotiated. I had a friend in the Canadian Armed Forces. After a tour in Bosnia, he took vacation in Europe. In the Netherlands, he sat in a pub. When the learned he was Canadian, he was treated as a friend. Canadian Military earned meant his glass was never empty.
Perhaps it's because in Canada we weren't at the heart of the war. Our homes and our way of life weren't threatened. We didn't face occupation simply because of where we lived - the Germans invaded the Netherlands to prevent the British from doing it. We simply did as we still do today. We sent our men to defend democracy and innocent lives. I understand that you may or may not agree with the reasons our troops are sent into war or peacekeeping missions. I'm not saying I agree with them either. I simply believe that those men and women don't make the decisions. They have a job to do and they put their lives in danger to do it.
So, I wear a poppy on my coat. I'm not endorsing war. I'm not encouraging war. I'm honouring and celebrating those who have changed the world by simply doing their jobs. They deserve no less.
There's nothing like it.
This morning, I woke wrapped up in J's arms, snuggled warmly under a couple duvets and the admission that he likes waking up with me too. I jokingly suggested we both take a sick day and just stay there. But reality won out for me and off to work I went. J is likely at the off-leash park with his dog right now... or snuggled back in that warm bed.
We had a talk last night. Off and on. I avoided some of his questions. How do you say "uhhh dude, I'm really rather convinced that you're going to run screaming like a little girl like the last guy I dated." Somehow that just doesn't come out right no matter how you slice it. I wasn't ignoring his questions or even avoiding them. I just didn't have answers straight out like that. I needed time. Eventually I tried to get around to answering.
I don't think he's going to run away with another woman on me. I am, however, terrified that once again, I'll fall for someone and they'll treat me like crap. Then they'll move on and treat someone else better. That I'll get hurt again and end up wondering why I'm not worth it. I avoid confrontations because if it turns into a fight, I'll get emotional. I avoid emotions because I don't want him to think I have ulterior motives or that I'm manipulative. Or that I'm trying to guilt him into anything.
Well, ok, last night the green lacy...uh... well, yeah. It had a motive but I don't think it was overly ulterior or manipulative. Or anything he didn't want either. Although he didn't pick up the shower massager clue nearly quick enough.
We agreed that questions like "wanna buy an acreage" need to wait until we're measuring time spent dating in terms of months rather than weeks. Vegas needs to wait until I get my line of credit back in order and my ensuite completely finished. Although I'm tempted to change my mind on that, I know that financially we're both better off waiting until the new year.
We both see something long term, but we're both scared to wreck it now. Basically we agreed to communicate more... better. We both want this to work. I have to deal with the fact that my past is not Jeff. And someone else's commitment issue is not mine. Nor does it reflect on me.
Oooh, and we have a standing Thursday night date since that's our only free weeknight. That came from me saying to him "ok, ya know how great it felt when you came back to a treasure hunt? You felt wanted? Well...ya gotta remember I need to feel that way too." And voila. "K, Thursdays, we're both free. We'll spend that together."
It's what I get for dating someone who can too easily get involved in life and not realize there are people around him. Not sure this is the best for me, but perhaps it's time for me to realize that I need to communicate more. Better.
One last positive - the agreement that our doors are open to each other. No invitation needed. I didn't want to overstep my bounds. Be clingy. Or wear out my welcome so I was avoiding it. I don't want to destroy this because I'm clueless. However, apparently we can both agree that we need more than once a week together. And that he really does miss me when I'm not there :) even if he doesn't have the same urge to see me taht I have for him. His is more expressed in the "Wow, didn't realize I missed you until I saw you" way.
I'm learning. Slowly. And I look forward to waking up many more mornings with puppy breath in my face or hearing Bailey complain as she's rudely pushed off someone's pillow.
the shawl
So. J brought back "stuff" for me from Turkey. A couple pins that I asked him for, and a pashmina shawl. Gorgeous, red shawl. I'm stunned. I wasn't expecting anything. Then, I'm at his house and he shows me the rest of his purchases. A pashmina shawl for both his mother and sister. Change purses for his niece and nephews. Amazing things for his own home. The man has excellent taste.
Last night we curled up and watched "Bubba Ho-Tep" together. A perfect, cheesy Halloween flick. He made me supper first. And I'm just trying to stay out of his way. NOT wear out my welcome.
Part of me really wants to invite him to SK this weekend. Although it isn't really the best way to meet family. But I reallllly want him to meet my family. He's the first one that I've been excited about meeting my family. Like "holy crap, I can't wait until they come up!"
