Cube with a blocked view.

Snow.

I wish I could say this was a snow day, but it isn't. I'm at work, unlike the rest of the world. Train was empty this morning. Same with the parking lots downtown. Short lineup at Tim's.

I love the snow. Soft. Romantic. Makes me think of Christmas. I'm going to start my baking tonight. Finish painting. Maybe drag out the box of Christmas decorations. Christmas music. Yep, I know it isn't even Nov. 15th yet. But this year my heart is into it.

I want to drink hot chocolate in the snow. Wander through the malls picking out gifts. Drive through Hawerlak and look at the lights. Walk around the Legislature. Woo hoo, look at my sappy ass. I want to take my nephew tobogganing. I want a tree and lights. Presents wrapped. Stockings.

I want new traditions mixed with the old. Mittens and rosy cheeks. I want the Norman Rockwell Christmas again. Card games played until the early morning. Sandra's cheese ball. Mom's cookies. Dad's stuffing. And John Deere logo's spread throughout the house. I want to curl up by the fireplace with a quilt and a cat and watch big fat flakes fall. I want Vegas for my birthday, but I know that's out.

I want the fairy tale. Yet I know it doesn't exist. How does that fit with my image of competent computer geek? Chasing dreams and rainbows. Believing in glass slippers and kisses that turn frogs into princes. I've succumbed to the TV generation. Images of perfect snow falling Christmas eve. The right thing said at the right time. Candles. Holly. Glowing lights on a perfect tree.

Images of perfection that are marred in real life. A cat that steals Christmas ornaments. Mom declaring that she is not having Christmas next year. Yelling. Impatience. No perfect flakes falling at just the right time. Unless you consider my family the flakes. I'm the divorced daughter screwing up the numbers for card games.

Reality and what I wanted at this point are so far apart. That is what I'm adjusting to. Trying to figure out life. At 30, the fairy tale is just plain dysfunctional because all the characters are dysfunctional. And each attempt we blindly make adds to the dysfunction.

Snow. More snow to shovel. More questions unanswered.

Sometimes answers come to us when we need them most. My friend in Calgary sent me an email this afternoon.

"The good you do today will often be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway."
"If you are kind, people will accuse you of being selfish, having ulterior motives. Be kind anyway."
"What you spend years building, someone will try to destroy overnight. Build anyway."
"Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give the world the best you have anyway."

posted by Erin @ 10:24 AM