Sunday, November 12, 2006

The more things change

The more they stay the same. Tigger ruined another nights sleep. He's territorial. Possessive. He's saved me grief. Made me feel better when I felt the world abandoned me. Protected me when I was sick. He thinks he's protecting me now. He's been right in the past.

I'm back to my old klutzy self. I fell down Jeff's back steps tonight. 2 new bruises. One pair of ripped jeans - my favorites too! Not sure who's fault it really was. Tucker chewed the bottom of one of the heels of my boots off so it isn't quite as stable as it used to be. Jeff shoveled the snow off the steps, but there was still some there. And of course, there's me. It's not unheard of for me to turn an ankle on flat, dry ground. Compound that with jeans that are long enough they could've been under the heel adding to the instability. Regardless, I know myself well enough to know that I fall down my own stairs.

He was at the bottom of the stairs when I got up, wrapped his arms around me full of apologies.

Why do I seek out perfection? Why do I think my choices have to be right all the time? Why am I so afraid to make a mistake? My life to this point is typically considered a good one. Unless you look too closely. Really know me.

I get deeper and deeper. Friends. Family. My family will be here later this month. Or so they said. big maybe. Rush to get the bathroom done - since I"ve been avoiding the grout. Almost got home to do it this morning, but... J wanted me to hang out at his place. He'll do it this week. I might do it tomorrow night then he can just worry about putting it back together. I dunno. See how tomorrow goes. Might just want to crash on my couch.

This time the adjustment is going well. We're different. Have different needs. Different expectations. But we can talk about it. It's a change. I'm still afraid to broach some things with him, but I did last night. "So. What are your expectations. It's easier if we just understand where each other are right now." And we talked it out. And I bluntly asked if he was expecting this to be on his terms and if he was willing to deal with change or if he just wanted his past life with a girl at his beck and call. He's willing to give as long as I am.

This weekend was a weekend for memories. Chai Lattes. Nathan. Trevor. Clayton. Kees. Mistakes. Hurt. A lot of hurt. Trying to explain I was dumped for being clingy, needy, emotional to someone who's never seen any of that. Trying to explain that I really do cry to someone who only saw me cry once about my grandma and that ended as soon as I realized he was awake.

I hold back. A lot of me. Then again, it's what I hold back from the rest of the people in my life. Only a few have seen past those walls. Only 2 really know. Two. Only one appreciates what he learned too late. He doesn't know how I still hurt. The questions I have. The confusion. The all out pain. I let someone in. And once there he used what he knew to destroy what he found.

Well then. This was supposed to be about my weekend. The bruises from the fall. The ripped jeans. Tucker and what I learned about unconditional love and trust. He's a pup. He's never had that trust destroyed. He'll never cower. Well, except with Tigg is around. He even runs to me for protection from Tigger, not realizing that just makes it worse. Today he curled up with me on the couch. His eyes watching me as I ate jelly beans and watched "The Incredibles" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

He doesn't hold back. Full out wagging, great big puppy kisses as I pull off my shoes. Cold nose on the back as I try to sleep. He's unapologetic for who and what he is. He just loves.


At 12:25 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Learn babe. Learn.


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