Saturday, November 11, 2006

How do you get it right?

We go through life blindly. Following dreams, goals - whether they're our dreams or what others dream for us. We seek happiness and sometimes destroy that happiness once we've found it. Disbelieving that it could happen to us.

How do we get to that point? Self destructive. Watching yourself make decisions that go against all logic. You could hold something perfect in your hands, yet be distracted by something else and let perfection fall. My marriage. Was it perfect? No. I'm learning that it could have been worse. Was I asking too much? Dad finally put that to rest - no, I wasn't. I still wonder why I wasn't good enough for him to treat me better.

Then again, does it have anything to do with me? He made his decisions. He let his perfection slip through his fingers because he didn't believe he had to do anything to keep me. Yet, when he came back to me willing to do what it took, I turned him down. I'll always wonder if that was the right decision, but would he have maintained that change?

No. I've proven I don't stand up for myself. I fear doing it. When I do... it goes poorly. My marriage. Yikes. Maybe I'm not meant to stand up for myself. I don't know how. I started last night. J said something that bugged me. Had me in tears actually. Made a joke about me being clingy and needy. He doesn't know. How do you tell someone were dumped for being clingy and needy? Emotional? He doesn't know I cried. I can't when I'm with him. I can at work. Dear god, yesterday I was fighting off tears more than once. Stress.

Then I'm on the ice. We lost. I curled badly. But I set foot past those doors, feel the cool air, step onto the ice and it's another world. It's my world. My home. Perma-grin. Uncontrolled giggling. I'm someone else out there. I see it in the way that K treats me. He's learned. At work I'm not the chick he met out on that ice. My smile is different. My greeting less...effusive. Road rage, work worries, relationship crap...gone.

Go figure, my happy place is a sheet of ice. Thank Hank I curl 3x a week.

It was after the game the incident happened. I dropped J off ant home and came here. Had to. After that day. Needed Tigger snuggles and Bailey purrs. Got them in spades. Called J and asked what I'm doing that he thinks is clingy. I see him on weekends. At one point, that wouldn't have been enough. But it's a real relationship this time. I see him on weekends! Dates. Friends. Movies. Dinners.

I don't know how to do this. How do you get life right? What if B would've been a better decision than A? C? F? I've made one horrible mistake. It hurt everyone around me including someone who meant the world to me. He could say the same thing. My family misses him. My cats don't remember who he is.

I bought a condo with a leaky roof. I renovated a bathroom. Adopted cats who seem hell bent on ensuring my old maid status. I ignored the bullies rather than standing up for myself. Moved to Calgary. Didn't move to Halifax. I offered a silver ring to my family without telling them I suspected it was grandma's engagement ring. I painted my living room yellow and green. Hung "champagne" curtains. Bought red furniture.

Some decisions don't affect life much. Others affect life forever. I try to make the right decisions when affecting other people as well as myself. Lies. Hurtful words. Words said in anger that can't be taken back. I plan to take the engagement ring to grandpa and ask him about it. If he wants it back, he can have it. He should have it. I gave my great grandma's jewelry boxes to my parents. They shouldn't be mine. Same with the pearls. If they have value, they should go to Sandra. I have some from my other grandma.

I try not to cheat. Steal. I treat people the way I want to be treated, whether I get the same in return or not. I know that is right. I'm just trying to figure out how to get treated likewise by people. How to have the people in my life who won't hurt me.

I work at a company I love, but I hate my coworkers. No respect. A team that is so far from a team it isn't even funny. But I don't leave. I hold out for a position in another team. Away from this crap. People who respect me. Yet, I don't understand why the team i'm on is so problematic. I don't know why I'm a target and once again seem to be a divisive issue.

I don't know how to get life right. Don't know how to make friends. Keep friends. Not a clue how to date or be in a relationship. I'm 30 years old and I can't figure it out. I bounce around, following my heart, my gut. I'm impulsive. I'm like few other people out there. However we live in a society where uniqueness is frown upon. Different is bad. My laughter is unusual. I'm shy. I curl. I love.

I feel wrong. Out of place. Confused. Broken. I have amaturish paintings my grandma painted and I love them. They'll get hung in a prominent place in my living room. The jewelry I got that means the most is the costume jewelry that she would have worn. I realize my gift from her is who I am. Material possessions won't change that. It's my laugh. My ability to crochet and quilt and cross stitch. To cook and tell stories. My memories of grandma are in the life in my eyes. The honesty of my smile. The love in my heart.

Did she get life right? Depends on who you ask. From my point of view, she did just fine. She never apologized for who she was. She just was. She said to me in the hospital that she and I have nothing to talk about anymore. I'm too far away. Too Different. She was wrong.

I didn't get things right. I stopped spending time with them when grandma couldn't play cards anymore. I avoided visiting because it hurt to see her get worse and worse.

Mistakes. Some can never be undone. The hurt never erased. Abandonment. Words that echo long after you realized you didn't mean them. Words never said because you thought you had time. Words ignored because you didn't want to hear them.

How do you get life right?


At 12:48 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are meant to have the ring.
It means more to you than you know.
Don't give up.


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