Cube with a blocked view.

There's nothing like it.

This morning, I woke wrapped up in J's arms, snuggled warmly under a couple duvets and the admission that he likes waking up with me too. I jokingly suggested we both take a sick day and just stay there. But reality won out for me and off to work I went. J is likely at the off-leash park with his dog right now... or snuggled back in that warm bed.

We had a talk last night. Off and on. I avoided some of his questions. How do you say "uhhh dude, I'm really rather convinced that you're going to run screaming like a little girl like the last guy I dated." Somehow that just doesn't come out right no matter how you slice it. I wasn't ignoring his questions or even avoiding them. I just didn't have answers straight out like that. I needed time. Eventually I tried to get around to answering.

I don't think he's going to run away with another woman on me. I am, however, terrified that once again, I'll fall for someone and they'll treat me like crap. Then they'll move on and treat someone else better. That I'll get hurt again and end up wondering why I'm not worth it. I avoid confrontations because if it turns into a fight, I'll get emotional. I avoid emotions because I don't want him to think I have ulterior motives or that I'm manipulative. Or that I'm trying to guilt him into anything.

Well, ok, last night the green lacy...uh... well, yeah. It had a motive but I don't think it was overly ulterior or manipulative. Or anything he didn't want either. Although he didn't pick up the shower massager clue nearly quick enough.

We agreed that questions like "wanna buy an acreage" need to wait until we're measuring time spent dating in terms of months rather than weeks. Vegas needs to wait until I get my line of credit back in order and my ensuite completely finished. Although I'm tempted to change my mind on that, I know that financially we're both better off waiting until the new year.

We both see something long term, but we're both scared to wreck it now. Basically we agreed to communicate more... better. We both want this to work. I have to deal with the fact that my past is not Jeff. And someone else's commitment issue is not mine. Nor does it reflect on me.

Oooh, and we have a standing Thursday night date since that's our only free weeknight. That came from me saying to him "ok, ya know how great it felt when you came back to a treasure hunt? You felt wanted? Well...ya gotta remember I need to feel that way too." And voila. "K, Thursdays, we're both free. We'll spend that together."

It's what I get for dating someone who can too easily get involved in life and not realize there are people around him. Not sure this is the best for me, but perhaps it's time for me to realize that I need to communicate more. Better.

One last positive - the agreement that our doors are open to each other. No invitation needed. I didn't want to overstep my bounds. Be clingy. Or wear out my welcome so I was avoiding it. I don't want to destroy this because I'm clueless. However, apparently we can both agree that we need more than once a week together. And that he really does miss me when I'm not there :) even if he doesn't have the same urge to see me taht I have for him. His is more expressed in the "Wow, didn't realize I missed you until I saw you" way.

I'm learning. Slowly. And I look forward to waking up many more mornings with puppy breath in my face or hearing Bailey complain as she's rudely pushed off someone's pillow.

posted by Erin @ 1:39 PM