Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Emotional extremes

Had a conversation with a friend last night who freaked when I told him that J was reading my blog. He has a point. This is the home of my emotional extremes. Extreme happiness (well, ok, that's a little more rare), extreme lows, extreme paranoia, extreme sadness. I'd bore myself to death if I came in here and posted about the normal stuff.

"Got up. Had toast for breakfast. Must have coffee. Will stop at Tim's." Seriously. This is where I deal with the fact that my head doesn't shut up. I can't just turn it off (explains the insomnia). I sit on the train and my brain is constantly thinking. Add to that an overactive imagination and... well. It's interesting the places it'll take me. If I posted the bizarre fantasies here y'all might think I'd lost my mind. Yeah, sure... I'm gonna end up curling in the Olympics. And...riiiiiight, men will be falling all over themselves for me when I do. That hidden talent in Edmonton. *snicker*

There are days I wonder how my life would've been different without C. Would I have had the confidence to keep curling when I moved to Calgary? Would I be on a competitive team? Would I even have gone to Calgary. The plan was horticulture or floristry. Imagine that. Likely would've been just as happy if not happier. Way more flexible as well. I wouldn't be tied to a city. In some ways I wonder how my life would've changed. But do I want it to change? Well, ok, other than the competitive curling thing. :)

Everything I've done has brought me here. And while it's not perfect, it could be a heck of a lot worse.

So yeah. When I'm freaking out, I come here and put it on "paper" then come back and read it later and laugh. It helps with my insomnia and has kept the bizarre nightmares away. Not the dreams but at least I don't wake up screaming anymore. Take last night for example. Apparently I was moving to Battleford with my parents. Not sure why.

So, I think a lot. More often than not, my thoughts turn to the bad. Not really sure why. My theory is that I'm trying to prevent myself from being disappointed if the bad happens. Prepare myself mentally for it. Yeah, yeah, I know. Self fullfilling prophecies and all that crap. Believe it or not, for every really really bad thing I make up in my head, I have these wonderful happy scenerios too. Both are unlikely to happen and my life will keep sailing along nice and normal. I won't be in a horribly disfiguring car accident and I certainly won't win a million dollars in the lottery since I never buy tickets.

So welcome to the Extreme E. The insane side that fights to get out far too often.


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