Monday, November 27, 2006

The past

Well, there you have it. I've gone back and republished all those old posts from July and August. you know, those insane, hurt ramblings. Sorry Iglooboy. I can't erase that time from my life by deleting posts. The pain is there. It's part of me. It's a big part of why I'm struggling today with other things.

Still brings tears to my eyes remembering that time. The pain.

Today someone who matters to me is searching for understanding. Understanding about divorce, love and hurt. Understanding why flight seems easier than being happy. I understand. I've been through all of it. The belief that I was ready to move on and find a relationship - as I was struggling to hold on to my ex-husband. Terrified to take that step without a net. Whether that was fair to the net or not. Running from anyone who seemed similar to my ex. Running from anyone too different. Running because I could run. Subconsciously aware that I didn't want a relationship, stubbornly hoping to find one.

I made mistakes. Dated perfectly great guys who were so wrong for me. The anti-redneck. The guy with more hair products in his bathroom than I think I've ever owned. Heh, if you want the list, most are here in my blog, somewhere. Enjoy the read. They were good guys. Decent. But so not me. I dated great guys who ran screaming at the prospect of a separated woman still friendly with her ex.

I did something few people can do - I managed to maintain some kind of friendship with my ex. He helped by understanding when I lost it and yelled at him. He knew the hurt. He'd drank it away. I've watched too many people drink themselves into a walking coma. I chose yelling and obsessive phone calls instead. Then I'd apologize and break into tears.

Then I went to counselling.

I had one foot out of the door and my heart already in Nova Scotia. I was fighting with everything I had to avoid love. Avoid relationships. Just avoid. I had someone in my life who thought I was worth waiting for. Worth being patient for. Oh, how things change.

Understanding. I've got it in spades when you're talking about love, marriage, divorce, hurt, running and hiding. Walls too. I understand 'em because I've put walls up all my life. Since elementary freakin' school! I know all about all of it. Especially running shoes.

It took something incredible to make me put my shoes away. Something I'd never felt before.

Watched Shrek 2 this weekend. It's funny how video games can get under the skin so easily. Memories can last so long. Pain can come up and bite you in the ass when you least expect it.

So. Ottawa. I'm going. He isn't. $$$ and let's face it. I'm flying back Christmas eve. Besides, there are better vacations to be had for less money and I won't be in training through the day.

Just means one more birthday alone.

Just one more day alone.


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