Thursday, November 23, 2006

Live. Laugh. Love

Ok, so I'm a silly sappy girl. I wanted to stencil those words in my bedroom. Why? Dunno really. Seemed like a good idea. The good news is I don't have to stencil it anymore. Found a sign? plaque?... thing already painted in about the right colours for my bedroom so I bought it. Not sure where I'll hang it yet, but it'll be there.

Yeah yeah. Silly. I know. But those are words that mean something to me.

Live. This one is easy. There are various ways to "live." Some people go through life just barely making the requirements - breathing :) Others live, but are never truly happy. They go through life in a semi-coma, never knowing what they're missing out on, but never willing to step out of that "comfort zone" to find out. Sadly, their comfort zone might be keeping them from really living. Really experiencing the world around them.

It's easy to let those around us dissuade us from really living. Especially if people are living in their comfort zone. When I looked into the move east, I had a lot of people telling me how crazy I was. Family, friends, the familiar that surrounds us all daily. I look at J and he did it in a way with his trip to Turkey. Huge step out of the comfort zone.

Laugh. Some people do far too little of this. I likely do too much laughing. Life just isn't the same without laughter and humour. There are times I've laughed through some crappy stuff going on. So, fine, sometimes I hide behind the giggles. But...uh... yeah. Laughing. Good.

Love. Well then. I've babbled on about love before. It's a screwed up emotion. Leaves us open and vulnerable. Puts us in a situation where we can get hurt in ways we don't even want to imagine. Leaves us open to hurt other people too. It's what I ran from for a year and a half. I have enough guilt after hurting T. I wanted to go through this life making people happy. Hasn't exactly worked out that way.

I guess I should warn ya that there could be some bitterness in the next little bit. Much of it directed at me. I've had the right intentions so many times, and it's worked out oh so wrong. I've hurt people who didn't deserve it, because I was seeking validation and confidence. I destroyed one of the best people I've ever known because of my own fear of being alone and not being good enough.

I sit here alone tonight for many reasons. Depending on the angle you want to take on it. Which "if" you want to chase today. Or I could leave the if's behind and just be happy with where I am. People move on. They heal themselves. T is better than he was when we were married. Why? Because he found someone right for him. G has his custom made relationship. Someone who fits his life. He has what he pushed me away to find. No pressure. No love. No dreams for the future.

And I have someone good for me. Heh. I'm happy with everything. It's a level of comfort. It's. It just is. So hard to explain. I don't have to fight for respect. I don't feel I'll never measure up, like I'm constantly compared to an unrealistic expectation. I'm me and appreciated for that. It's not perfect. Is it ever? I know that answer too - no. I don't want perfection. Do I love him? Yeah, pretty sure I do. If you take away all the crap. The circumstances around us meeting... all of it. It's been an unconventional start to a relationship and I've been dealing with the end of another relationship that I never did understand. Hard to tell sometimes. I'm too busy protecting myself scared I'll wreck something else just because I'm me.

So yeah. Sometimes I need to be reminded to live, laugh, love. We all do. It's too easy to go through life in that semi-coma, doing what's expected. I know. I lived it in my marriage. I settled because I was scared I'd never find anything better. I know better now. I can't settle. I won't. It's love, or it isn't. And if it isn't, the risk of hurting someone is far too great to satisfy my own needs at their expense. That path is too selfish and I've seen the outcome.

(babble babble babble more of the same below.) I went through a long period where I didn't believe I'd ever find anyone. Since I'm kinda talking about regrets... I regret believing the things other kids said to me. Believing Clay's lies, letting him destroy whatever was left of me and any self confidence I may have had. I regret marrying T when I did. A year later and we might still be together. I would have been able to stand up for myself, but not likely. I was bent on self destruction. Driven by the fear of being alone forever. Terrified that given time, men would see me for what I was and run. Messed up, huh? That's why I'm the insane twin instead of the evil twin. ;)


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