Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Apparenty I've been missed

*waves* Hi!

Well, here's confession #1. I have a second blog. It's where I go to rant and say everything I used to say here that was just too personal.

Confession #2: I've turned into that woman I swore I'd never be. I'm giddy in love. He wakes in the morning and sings while he's making me breakfast in bed. I've gone from "never gonna get married again! Nuh Uh!" to "Hmmmm...Vegas? Jamaica? Jasper?" I know a couple things. I will be going on vacation with him this year. If we're still together come next Christmas, we'll be living together. And I've never felt like this before. I never believed it was possible. I didn't believe in the whole "soul mate" thing. I figured the best you got was "good enough" and I'd thrown away good enough when I got divorced.

I was wrong. Dead wrong. I can't even put this into words. And it's mutual - or seems to be. Hard for me to write about what's going on in his head. The weekend in Calgary was incredible. He had tears in his eyes when he saw the room. The jacuzzi was put to use more than once and it's a night I'll never forget.

I woke once in the night from a nightmare. He calmed me. It's not the first time, but he's so understanding. So good. So...J. Now, when I wake through the night or in the morning, he's touching me in some way - a foot, a leg thrown across mine, or wrapped in his arms.

Curling was called off tonight - well, 1/2 the other team didn't show so we got the win and headed home. I called him on my way and he was disappointed I wasn't planning to stop in. A quick detour and I was on his doorstep. Just a short stay but worth every second, every touch, every kiss.

It's almost odd to feel wanted like that. Needed. Loved. Well, ok, maybe not needed. Need is a pretty strong emotion. But he wanted to see me. This time it isn't me always asking for time. He's just as happy to see me.

Our vacation is being postponed. Heh, both are. The tropical vacation has been put off until next winter. Likely December. Gives us time to save and decide where we want to go. In lieu of that, we'd decided to take advantage of his parent's time share and head out for a few days/week to relax and be together.

I was pretty stressed about the tropical vacation. All my own doing. Never been before so I was so excited I couldn't decide where I wanted to go and I was all over the place. Add to that me not having a passport and things were getting a little tense. It sucks because that has been a dream for a very long time for me. A beach vacation. I still remember my first trip to Las Vegas and seeing Palm trees for the first time. Kinda sad, huh?

I've actually been through a pretty rough time the last few months. The car accident, training in Ottawa, Christmas without my family, car shopping, trips to Calgary and J and I being sick. I'd gone over 2 months without sleeping in my own bed on a weekend. It had been at least a month since I'd bought groceries. My cats were horribly neglected and I had a somewhat rough review at work. Not horrible though.

I was stressed, eating poorly and run down. I had more and more demands placed on me and suddenly I realized the busy weekends were unending. A bonspiel here, dress shopping there, trip to Sask to see the family, Valentine's day, the long weekend. It was all eating up more and more of my time. I'd agreed to spare a couple times in different leagues so for a few weeks I'd be curling 4 nights instead of "just" 3. As it is, on night's I curl, I'm lucky if I get dinner, much less a proper dinner.

I was exhausted. Burnt out at work. I went to my Dr and asked her why I was so run down. Seems there may have been a vitamin deficiency. Well, that explains it. I made some hard decisions. Some harder than others. I talked to J and he was happy to postpone our vacation. He even suggested his parent's condo as an option that was easily affordable and not out of the country. Bonus - it's something he'll plan and I can just pack and go.

I canceled all of my nights sparing. I bailed on bonspiels with my teams - get this, in one weekend I could have curled in 2 bonspiels, gone to Sask, had Toastmaster's training, and gone bridesmaid dress shopping. Is it any wonder I was feeling pulled in too many directions and spread too thin?

I almost bailed on one of my curling leagues for the rest of the year. I told my parents I didn't know when I'd be home, or if I'd get there before Easter. I told J that I wouldn't be staying at his place and if he wanted to sleep with me he'd have to bring T over here and let the cats attack him. He did - willingly, understandingly and with big hugs. He knew I wanted to spend time cleaning and organizing so he headed out Saturday morning/afternoon with a friend and left me alone to do what needed to be done. Otherwise I wouldn't have done anything.

I've stopped taking public transit. Being run down, that additional contact with a wide range of people also put me in contact with every bug traveling through the city. I'm making myself dinner at home and packing a lunch. I force myself to go for walks every day at lunch - well, when nothing else interferes. I'm in bed by 11 at the latest - yet I still don't sleep well every night. I sleep much better in flannel sheets for some reason. I'm staying off the internet at work and have limited chat. My MSN list has shrunk to about 6 people. Those closest to me who matter most.

Finally, I had to make a tough call. R's wedding. I was maid of honour. Something that surprised me after we spent 6 months not talking. But I'd agreed to do it. Unfortunately, it was too much. It contributed to my stress levels and I finally had to admit that even if I did continue in the role, I wouldn't do it well or wholeheartedly. I added up the costs. I considered the time required. And I took a serious look at my current state of mind. And there was only one choice I could make. I made the choice for me.

There was a time I wouldn't have been able to do that. I would've fretted over losing a friend. I would have continued at any cost to myself. But I'm not that person anymore. I have learned. Self-sacrifice is rarely appreciated. Martyrdom is only noticed by the martyrs themselves or those unlucky enough to hear about how unappreciated the efforts were.

I realized I had to take care of myself and the only way to do that was to get rid of everything causing me stress. Bit by bit, each decision lightened the load. I felt freer. In control. That overwhelmed feeling dissipated. The hopelessness evaporated. My smile is back. My laugh. That giggle no one forgets. Every day, I feel healthier. Less tired. Each morning it's easier to get up and go to work. I look forward to the little things again. I smile as I sit in traffic in the morning in my new car and see the heart traced on my back window.

I looked at my life. T had a gift while he had me in his life. I know he still cares about me, just as I still care about him. I wasn't the only one who lost. We both did.

And now I have a chance to make it different. I have a second chance at love when so many people never get a first chance at true love. I don't know why I'm so lucky (well, ok, it's that great friend who introduced us), but I've made a promise to myself not to throw it away this time. I have a gift that's been given to me and I have to treasure it.

Argh. Now I'm crying like a sappy little girl. Fuzzies. Who knew?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Horoscope for the day.

It's time to protect your personal space from pushy types who don't understand the concept of boundaries. Being nice just to avoid confrontation never helps. Be brave and prepare to tell them what you need.

How appropriate.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Now I get it.

Well folks. This is it. The end. My life has taken a turn that dictates ending my online musings. For good or for bad, whatever will be will be. The reality is that this forum has become too public for much of what I want to say. Well, it's been too public all along, but it didn't bother me until recently. Really there wasn't much of substance being said anyway.

This started as a place to work through my feelings and deal with my confusion and reluctance over my divorce. A way to deal with my guilt and move forward. I've done that and the need for this space has run it's course.

Besides that, sometimes I just feel as if I'm being watched. That people who don't need to know a damned thing about my life can see far too deeply into it and it doesn't make me comfortable. It's one thing when it's strangers, but I strongly suspect...ah, heck, I know, thanks to an IP tracker...that someone from my past reads daily and that is enough of that. I'm learning the need, slowly, for life's ups and downs to be private. Sometimes even from those closest to me.

So, leave it at me being blissfully happy in my personal life, finding my path professionally, in pain physically and overall in a better place than I've ever been before. Those close to me will know what they need to know when they need to know it.

Words, they have the power to give someone the world, but an equal power to crush that world and destroy someone's dreams. Use them sparingly and wisely.

And always smile. I will be.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

What a beautiful day!

Well, second game back curling and I have great news. I can curl! I just can’t sweep. Pain-free today. Well, mostly. Tad stiff. Have this stupid head cold, and apparently I left my brain somewhere, but…. I can curl!

I have a car! I can curl!

And I’m the greatest girlfriend EVER. Why? I’m glad you asked. His birthday is coming up and I was wracking my brain to figure out the perfect gift for him. It is rather tough in relatively new relationships. Finally yesterday it hit me… Rush tickets would be…ok, but in reality, not likely the best gift for him – he’s never been to a game so if he hates it, what kind of gift is that? Here, let me take you out for a night you don’t enjoy.

I had some ideas for small gifts, a couple of which I’ll still go pick up. Kinda more as mementos of the big gift. Hee hee. We’re going to Calgary this weekend. Partly for my haircut, partly to see the comedian I got him tickets to for Christmas, and partly to see friends. But I didn’t feel comfortable asking R to put up me and a guy he’s never met. I wasn’t too sure I’d want to expect his friends to do the same. Add to that the show is the late show – 10pm so we’ll be late getting in wherever we are.

So… We’re staying at a hotel. Not just any hotel. The Delta Bow Valley - in the Jacuzzi suite. Add some wine and voila – birthday and Valentine’s Day in one.

It’s so great to be able to do these kinds of things. First, having a guy who’s available for that kind of weekend is…wonderful. Second, I know that the trip isn’t going to be filled with heavy sighs, stories about doing similar things with someone else and wishing he were with someone else. Something else I didn’t realize was important until a relationship where it didn’t exist. The effort is going to be more than appreciated.

It’s funny, I didn’t realize how much of a jerk the ex-boyfriend was until J. I now see that everything I thought had to be – didn’t. I thought sacrifices I made were necessary. They weren’t. J has shown me what a real relationship should be. One where both people make compromises. And it amazes me how much better I sleep in a bed with someone. Last night I woke up repeatedly. Might be the cold. Might be the back. But whatever it is, I sleep sooo much better at his place. Maybe it’s just the cozy flannel sheets.

Btw, apparently an apology is in order. I was posting in pain the other night. Physical pain. Shoulder, back and hip pain from attempting to curl. I posted a short message about my disappointment in what I thought was going to be my inability to curl for a period of time, not realizing it would be misinterpreted. The evil twin almost drove up from Calgary to make sure I hadn’t drowned myself in my fancy new bathroom when I wouldn’t answer my phone – because I was back on the ice stubbornly refusing to believe I couldn’t do what I loved. So no. I wasn’t dumped. I’m still blissfully happy.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


There was a time when failure ate at my soul. It drove me nuts. I felt that to be equal with everyone else, I had to be perfect; infallible. To make mistakes meant that I wasn't worthy. Now, don't even start telling me how other people aren't perfect. I know that. Knew that then. But I felt that I was so far from perfect that if any cracks showed, the whole facade would fall apart.

I didn't even want that one small hole in the dam.

Reality is that I'm not perfect, but I'm not as far away as I once believed. Tonight, I realize failure once again. A part of me longed to curl up and cry - believe the world is over because I failed again.

The truth is, I tried. I could crawl into a hole and never try again. Walk away from life and hide because I don't want to feel failure. I don't want to hurt. I don't want that searing pain. I could have done that many times in the past few years. But I didn't. And I have much to show for it. A great home. Cool colours on the wall. A red sofa. Going back further, I could have just not tried to leave the small town. God knows what I'd be doing, but I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have the friends I have.

When I got divorced, I could have stopped trying. I wouldn't have AlbertaGirlie in my life. I wouldn't have memories of impulsive road trips and great parties. Or Vegas. I wouldn't have a renovated bathroom. I wouldn't have WoW installed on my computer.

So, granted, I've failed again. And it hurts. Dear god, it hurts. So much that I look for bruises, but there are none there. It's hard to believe all this pain comes from inside and doesn't show at all on the skin.


I have had the oddest realization. It’ll sound a tad bizarre to all of you, but..well…yeah.

Back in…September? October maybe, I was coming home from SK and I saw police everywhere. More police cars than I think I’ve ever seen on that trip. Once in the city, I ended up with a speeding ticket – dumbass that I am.

I was commenting to J and B one day that for a long time, I’d seen an accident at a specific corner at least once a week for several weeks. It isn’t exactly a high collision area either. Now that I’ve had my accident, I haven’t seen another accident there since.

Now, with the speeding ticket, I coulda done something to prevent that. Watched my speed when I saw an unusual amount of police on my trip. But. How in the world could I have prevented the accident? It’s not like I’m going to stop driving. And it was over a period of weeks rather than hours. Perhaps it was one of those “meant to be” things where my car was meant to get written off. Ok, I can live without the pain and inconvenience I’ve gone through since, but maybe there was another reason for the accident. It’s just odd that I seem to see repeated things over a period of time and then they seem to have a significance on my life.

And they go away after the significant event.

Or maybe I’m just thinking too much.

Monday, January 01, 2007


I got a phone call a few days ago regarding one of my posts. Ok, it was about a week ago. Apparently G isn't happy with my decision to avoid communicating with him. Here's the way I see it - it's a matter of respect. J isn't comfortable with it and he has every right to say that. I'd be insane to maintain a friendship with someone if that friendship could cost me someone I love. G made his decision months ago, and with that, he had to accept that I wouldn't be in his life anymore.

I let him play power games with my head. Claiming to want me back, when in reality, it was simply an ego trip for him. He didn't want to hang up when he called. Likely to inflict more guilt on me. Funny thing about that. I don't feel much guilt anymore. Not about T, not about G and I fully intend to limit my guilt with J.

G made his decisions and now he gets to live with it. As I get to live with my decisions and T gets to live with his.

'Tis a new year and that's the end of G. This year, I look ahead, not back. Much easier to smile and be me that way.

Beautiful Day

Karen Blackwell Jones

Good morning darling, how'd you sleep last night?
It's a new day, and I don't know about you, but something feels so right
I can't remember, I can't remember, such a beautiful day

The sun is shining and your kiss is on my lips
You remind me with a brush of your fingertips
I can't remember, I can't remember, such a beautiful day

Life was a series of days, each one just like the other
One by one passing me by
Something in me was missing, so hard to discover
Now I know that you're the reason why
It's a beautiful day

In your eyes I see my future all laid out
I hear your voice and I know without a doubt
I can't remember, I can't remmeber, such a beautiful day