Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Apparenty I've been missed

*waves* Hi!

Well, here's confession #1. I have a second blog. It's where I go to rant and say everything I used to say here that was just too personal.

Confession #2: I've turned into that woman I swore I'd never be. I'm giddy in love. He wakes in the morning and sings while he's making me breakfast in bed. I've gone from "never gonna get married again! Nuh Uh!" to "Hmmmm...Vegas? Jamaica? Jasper?" I know a couple things. I will be going on vacation with him this year. If we're still together come next Christmas, we'll be living together. And I've never felt like this before. I never believed it was possible. I didn't believe in the whole "soul mate" thing. I figured the best you got was "good enough" and I'd thrown away good enough when I got divorced.

I was wrong. Dead wrong. I can't even put this into words. And it's mutual - or seems to be. Hard for me to write about what's going on in his head. The weekend in Calgary was incredible. He had tears in his eyes when he saw the room. The jacuzzi was put to use more than once and it's a night I'll never forget.

I woke once in the night from a nightmare. He calmed me. It's not the first time, but he's so understanding. So good. So...J. Now, when I wake through the night or in the morning, he's touching me in some way - a foot, a leg thrown across mine, or wrapped in his arms.

Curling was called off tonight - well, 1/2 the other team didn't show so we got the win and headed home. I called him on my way and he was disappointed I wasn't planning to stop in. A quick detour and I was on his doorstep. Just a short stay but worth every second, every touch, every kiss.

It's almost odd to feel wanted like that. Needed. Loved. Well, ok, maybe not needed. Need is a pretty strong emotion. But he wanted to see me. This time it isn't me always asking for time. He's just as happy to see me.

Our vacation is being postponed. Heh, both are. The tropical vacation has been put off until next winter. Likely December. Gives us time to save and decide where we want to go. In lieu of that, we'd decided to take advantage of his parent's time share and head out for a few days/week to relax and be together.

I was pretty stressed about the tropical vacation. All my own doing. Never been before so I was so excited I couldn't decide where I wanted to go and I was all over the place. Add to that me not having a passport and things were getting a little tense. It sucks because that has been a dream for a very long time for me. A beach vacation. I still remember my first trip to Las Vegas and seeing Palm trees for the first time. Kinda sad, huh?

I've actually been through a pretty rough time the last few months. The car accident, training in Ottawa, Christmas without my family, car shopping, trips to Calgary and J and I being sick. I'd gone over 2 months without sleeping in my own bed on a weekend. It had been at least a month since I'd bought groceries. My cats were horribly neglected and I had a somewhat rough review at work. Not horrible though.

I was stressed, eating poorly and run down. I had more and more demands placed on me and suddenly I realized the busy weekends were unending. A bonspiel here, dress shopping there, trip to Sask to see the family, Valentine's day, the long weekend. It was all eating up more and more of my time. I'd agreed to spare a couple times in different leagues so for a few weeks I'd be curling 4 nights instead of "just" 3. As it is, on night's I curl, I'm lucky if I get dinner, much less a proper dinner.

I was exhausted. Burnt out at work. I went to my Dr and asked her why I was so run down. Seems there may have been a vitamin deficiency. Well, that explains it. I made some hard decisions. Some harder than others. I talked to J and he was happy to postpone our vacation. He even suggested his parent's condo as an option that was easily affordable and not out of the country. Bonus - it's something he'll plan and I can just pack and go.

I canceled all of my nights sparing. I bailed on bonspiels with my teams - get this, in one weekend I could have curled in 2 bonspiels, gone to Sask, had Toastmaster's training, and gone bridesmaid dress shopping. Is it any wonder I was feeling pulled in too many directions and spread too thin?

I almost bailed on one of my curling leagues for the rest of the year. I told my parents I didn't know when I'd be home, or if I'd get there before Easter. I told J that I wouldn't be staying at his place and if he wanted to sleep with me he'd have to bring T over here and let the cats attack him. He did - willingly, understandingly and with big hugs. He knew I wanted to spend time cleaning and organizing so he headed out Saturday morning/afternoon with a friend and left me alone to do what needed to be done. Otherwise I wouldn't have done anything.

I've stopped taking public transit. Being run down, that additional contact with a wide range of people also put me in contact with every bug traveling through the city. I'm making myself dinner at home and packing a lunch. I force myself to go for walks every day at lunch - well, when nothing else interferes. I'm in bed by 11 at the latest - yet I still don't sleep well every night. I sleep much better in flannel sheets for some reason. I'm staying off the internet at work and have limited chat. My MSN list has shrunk to about 6 people. Those closest to me who matter most.

Finally, I had to make a tough call. R's wedding. I was maid of honour. Something that surprised me after we spent 6 months not talking. But I'd agreed to do it. Unfortunately, it was too much. It contributed to my stress levels and I finally had to admit that even if I did continue in the role, I wouldn't do it well or wholeheartedly. I added up the costs. I considered the time required. And I took a serious look at my current state of mind. And there was only one choice I could make. I made the choice for me.

There was a time I wouldn't have been able to do that. I would've fretted over losing a friend. I would have continued at any cost to myself. But I'm not that person anymore. I have learned. Self-sacrifice is rarely appreciated. Martyrdom is only noticed by the martyrs themselves or those unlucky enough to hear about how unappreciated the efforts were.

I realized I had to take care of myself and the only way to do that was to get rid of everything causing me stress. Bit by bit, each decision lightened the load. I felt freer. In control. That overwhelmed feeling dissipated. The hopelessness evaporated. My smile is back. My laugh. That giggle no one forgets. Every day, I feel healthier. Less tired. Each morning it's easier to get up and go to work. I look forward to the little things again. I smile as I sit in traffic in the morning in my new car and see the heart traced on my back window.

I looked at my life. T had a gift while he had me in his life. I know he still cares about me, just as I still care about him. I wasn't the only one who lost. We both did.

And now I have a chance to make it different. I have a second chance at love when so many people never get a first chance at true love. I don't know why I'm so lucky (well, ok, it's that great friend who introduced us), but I've made a promise to myself not to throw it away this time. I have a gift that's been given to me and I have to treasure it.

Argh. Now I'm crying like a sappy little girl. Fuzzies. Who knew?


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