Sunday, December 31, 2006

And now I succumb

It's taken well over a year. R and sushi boy once prodded me to try. Today, while searching for a birthday present for J, I caved and bought World of Warcraft for myself. WoW.

The tree is down, my fridge cleaned out then refilled from costco. I find myself stretched out at my desk, slowly installing disk after disk. A way to stay in touch with R. A way to kill the hours when I can't curl because of my back.

In a week, J meets Zig for the first time. Should go well. Everyone else seems to think he's great. Perfect for me. Sheila and he got along extremely well at the Cajun House last week. My parents have said "when you come to the farm," not "if." Hell, even the mention of him coming to the farm is a huge leap.

His Mom rushes over to hug me when she sees us, and I bribed his dad with hockey tickets last week so I think he thinks I'm great too. Family. I'm finally part of a second one that is as great as my own.

I laughed as I picked up a Loreena McKennett CD today. Things learned from time spent with Kees. Warcraft = J. T shaped who I am in ways too numerous to mention. B and his RC airplanes. I wonder sometimes what I really gained from G. Perhaps the simple understanding that I was right long ago when I didn't want kids. I thought I'd have to sacrifice that ideal to find someone worth being with. Instead, I have never married, no kids and ready for something long term.

50% installed.

I have my independence - that was forced on me when I decided to prove to T that I *could* survive on my own. I have a great condo that becomes more and more mine every day. I have 2 cats who actually can be on the same bed together now without killing each other. I have my heart, which is strong, true and giving.

There are times I've regretted the divorce, but the growing and learning I've done in the last 2 years has been amazing. I was never happy being married because I gave up who I wanted to be to be with him. I realize now, I don't have to do that. It isn't selfish to not want kids. It isn't selfish to expect respect. It's far from selfish to ask for things.

The knowledge that my lifestyle does not support children is freeing. Even better is coming to terms with the fact that it isn't selfish. I can roam through life without compromising what I want. I can go to Cuba this spring and find a resort that doesn't allow kids. I can make plans for a great night out with friends without seeking out babysitters. I can sleep through the night without changing diapers, cleaning up puke or chasing away nightmares, ghosts and monsters. I don't have to deal with my ex-husband unless I want to.

I have my life. The life I wanted, planned for and created for myself. I have much to offer those around me and my family and the children of my friends will benefit from what I have to offer. I don't have to give birth to be a whole person.

I also don't have to put up with other people's children. Another groovy revelation. Well behaved kids? You bet, bring 'em on. Kids who treat adults with respect...yep. Always welcome in my home. Children with manners? Heck yeah.

I don't have to pander to your kids or anyone's kids, though. See, I don't have any. So... I don't want to hear yours scream in the grocery store line. I don't want to listen to them fight while I'm out for dinner. I don't want to hear another "omg, my kids are so wonderful/smart/perfect!" story, and if you start, you'll be listening to cat stories for the next hour. And let me tell you - my cats are way smarter than your kids any day.

I don't want to hear how your boy Jimmy can program better than anyone who has a degree in computers. I don't need to hear about your daughter Joanie's christmas pageant/dance recital/art abilities that rival the masters.

Sigh, can you tell I was out shopping today and surrounded by a bunch of spoiled rotten brats whining that they didn't get a PS3 for Christmas, etc? The line up at Best Buy sent me screaming back to my car. In the shoe store, I had to navigate around a MASSIVE baby carriage that took up the entire aisle that people should be able to wander down and pick out shoes. At Costco, I was lucky. Maybe parents have figured out they should just leave the brats at home or in the car while they're there.

For years, they divided restaurants into smoking and non-smoking sections. While that was a wonderful idea, it really serves no purpose now that smoking is banned in restaurants. So I propose a kids/no kids division. Even better considering the restaurants that chose to comply to the completely separate seating sections (aka walls between smoking/non-smoking) will now have those walls to block the sound of children, preventing those families insane enough to take their brats out in public from disturbing *my* quiet meal out with friends.

Am I bitter? Yes dammit. There was a time when meals out where a special event. Celebrations. And while the luster of dining out has worn off over the years, the fact remains that I do plan special nights out with those I love. Evenings in which ambiance is important. And holding hands across a table, gazing through candle-light into each other's eyes *will* be destroyed by your snot-nosed, spoiled child singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" before bursting out into tears because your other snot-nosed brat dumped mashed potatoes on his/her head, screamed, kicked, or got up and danced the freakin' lambada. Meanwhile you pretend you can't hear anything and glare at other restaurant patrons like *we're* the ones wrecking *your* quiet evening out. Meanwhile, you ignore the third child who barely sets his gameboy/PSP/whatever down long enough to take a couple bites.

*Takes a deep breath*

Kids. Other people don't want to hear about them. We don't want to see them. We don't want to hear FROM them. When I was younger, I was taught to speak only when spoken to. I didn't cry at the checkout line when I couldn't get a chocolate bar. I didn't sit in the front seat of the car, even when no one else did. I smiled when given gifts and thanked people for them because it wasn't an expectation. I laughed, ran and played outside. You know - that place outside your front door that doesn't have TV's and game systems. Just grass and bugs and animals and trees and swing sets and mud. Yes, I made mud pies. I had a tree swing. I crawled around the barn and ran with a dog all day.

I didn't have a DVD player in the car so I'd shut up and not bug my parents. I watched romper room and sesame street and then went outdoors. I didn't own ever disney movie ever made and I didn't care to. I had books. You know, those things with words on paper that kids have to read? I didn't have a TV in my bedroom, my own phone, a cell phone or a CD player. I didn't play sports, wasn't in ballet, gymnastics, karate, basket weaving, soccer, ringette and hockey. My parents didn't spend their spare time catering to my every whim. They raised me with rules and limits and they taught me how to be independent and NOT rely on external stimulation 24 hours a day to keep me entertained.

My brother and I never had a nintendo game system. Nope. Not ever. Not even Atari. And we survived. We fought like brothers and sisters do. We built forts and tree houses and skated on the pond across the road. We even tried building an igloo once. I was horrible at Super Mario, but I type like crazy today because of King's Quest on the computer.

Children today are spoiled. I see it in what my nephew got for Christmas. His aunts and uncles on the other side of the family got together and bought him a pedal tractor. Clothes, games, toys, books. My brother said it was like the kid hit the lottery. Huh? He's 2? I bought him a couple shirts from Vegas and a pair of books. His birthday? Mega blocks. Nothing spectacular. I don't know what to buy him because he has so many aunts and uncles. His parents buy him a ton of stuff and so do my parents. At least mom, dad and I can negotiate that all amongst ourselves.

We indulge our kids every need and whim and our schools refuse to fail them. In fact, schools have stopped recognizing kids for good grades, etc because it hurts the self esteem of other kids who aren't doing well. Huh? I mean...really. Come on. Life isn't like that. In life if you don't do your job, you aren't there the next day. You don't even fail and get to try again, you're fired. Your boss isn't worried about your self esteem, he's worried about the bottom line.

Sigh. I see this growing trend that puts kids in power and it scares the bejeezus outta me. Can they really understand real life when everythign they want gets handed to them with a bow on it? They don't have real jobs, and heaven help those I've seen working in video stores and gas stations recently. They don't want to be there. They barely have the skills to dress themselves (see any teenagers recently with the motor skills to put their hat on straight????) and then they open their mouths and show how dense they really are.

This is the next generation in our society. Kids who's parents demanded they be able to have cell phones in school. Kids who grew up playing Grand Theft Auto on playstation.

And we're worried about global warming? The bigger, closer threat is these kids in power in a few years. Our society will be lucky to live long enough to see another ice age.

The beauty of the rain

Dar Williams.

And you know the light is fading all too soon
You're just two umbrellas one late afternoon
You don't know the next thing you will say
This is your favorite kind of day
It has no walls
The beauty of the rain
Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls

And there's nothing wrong but there is something more
And sometimes you wonder what you love her for
She says you've known her deepest fears
'Cause she's shown you a box of stained-glass tears
It can't be all
The truth about the rain
Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls

But when she gave you more to find
You let her think she'd lost her mind
And that's all on you
Feeling helpless if she asked for help
Or scared you'd have to change yourself

And you can't deny this room will keep you warm
You can look out of your window at the storm
But you watch the phone and hope it rings
You'll take her any way she sings
Or how she calls
The beauty of the rain
Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls
How it falls, how it falls, how it falls

Bring on a new year!

Happy New Year's eve. Tonight looks to be much more subdued than last. No singles party, no hurt over another birthday/Christmas/new year alone. Last year, I woke alone dreading the day and even worse - the night ahead. I donned a red corset, black dress pants and went out to have one last fling in AB. I was leaving. Heading east. Bucking the trend and getting the heck outta dodge. I tried to back out of the party, but T wouldn't let me. She was going, I was going with her.

This year, I'm glad I'm still here. I woke this morning wrapped in a warm embrace, neither of us wanting to leave the warmth of flannel sheets. Eventually the dog and breakfast called and we braved the cold house.

I'll take down my tree with a smile this year. I don't have any regrets over the holiday season. No reason to hold on to it. Besides....bring on the new year. It can't be much worse than most of this year.

I loved. I lost. It hurt. I'm not ashamed to admit that. In some ways it still does, but every day, the fog of love lifts that much more and I see reality. There was nothing I could do to change the path he was on. I dated him because he was safe. I thought I'd never really fall for him. And in truth, I probably didn't fall as hard as I thought I did at the time. Yep, I got hurt.

I reno'd a bathroom. Painted my living room in funky colours. Lost my Grandmother. Wrote off a car. Gained confidence. Met the man I'd been sure didn't exist. I learned. I spent Christmas with a new family and didn't miss mine. I saw Parliament. I love again in a completely different, warm fuzzies kinda way.

I see that the time I demand from a lover is inversely proportional to the amount of time he wants to spend with me. This morning, I woke in his arms and enjoyed that, but once we both dragged our butts out of bed (extremely difficult with a heating pad making my sciatic feel warm and fuzzy) I came home to do laundry, clean my house and do some running around in that fabulous new car of mine.

My front entrance is clean. I wish I could go ahead and finish that last coat of paint, but somehow I doubt that is a great idea for the back. So I'll move paint trays back and forth while I clean. But I'll get my curtains fixed up so they hang properly. I'll take down my christmas ornaments.

Discovered something else I forgot to grab out of my car this morning - my snow brush. Not that it would've done a lot. The inside is what fogs up. But hey, at least I know it's clean. So, I'll go pick up a snow brush. some picture hanging stuff.

Tonight I say goodbye to a year of learning and self improvement. I say goodbye to my Grandma one last time. And I welcome a new year with someone who deserves what I have to offer. Someone who looks at me with a love in his eyes that still knocks me on my ass. Who knows what the year ahead will bring, but I wish everyone the best. I hope that my ex-hubby's problems get worked out in the best possible way for him. That my grandpa finds himself again. My family has another good year. I wish my friends love and happiness. And I hope my own little fairy tale doesn't end.

Have a safe and happy new year!

Friday, December 29, 2006

The hazards of comparison

So. Here I sit. I’ve had the discussion with my ex over why he thinks getting married again is a great idea. They laugh a lot. She does _____. He doesn’t have to _____. And on and on. And I thought about it. He and I used to laugh a lot. The blanks could be filled in in numerous good ways – in the past.

What I’ve learned is that things change. The timeline for that change is different for most people. In the case of my last boyfriend it was far too quickly. You get used to each other. Stop doing the little things that make the relationship great and grand and wonderful. You laugh less because you spend more time in silence watching reruns. You take each other for granted. There’s always tomorrow.

I have my own lists. J and I laugh a lot. Yep. We do. Did T and I? Yep, at one point life was one big barrel of laughs. This is me we’re talking about. So I’ve revised my list somewhat. Sure, there can still be those things that are wonderful now that may change. I may not always come home from a trip to find flowers on my kitchen table. But for now, that’s a gesture that was missing from other relationships from the start.

In some ways, these lists are a comparison to loves past. He doesn’t hunt. There’s a big one. He curls and fishes and wants to do those things WITH me not apart. So yeah, I can look at my life and see what I loved about it with T. And J has those qualities. Then I can look at it and see what I didn’t like about that life. This is where it gets tricky. I have to keep in mind what the relationship was like when it was good.

It’s easy to look back and say, “at the end, it sucked, therefore J is better in every way.” Well…no. Not really. Sure, I had the rose coloured glasses on at first. I saw what I wanted and crossed my fingers that the bad would go away. That he would change. Gag.

I’ve done it again since. In some ways I see my choices as protection. Choosing someone with a laundry list of things that aren’t compatible with me as a way to prevent myself from falling in love and risking that great heartbreak. Yet, when that “acceptable” person doesn’t change, it still hurts. When that “acceptable, but not great” relationship ends, tears are still shed and there’s that empty spot in one’s life again.

In counseling, I had to make up a list of qualities I wanted in a partner. That list surprised me, as did the surprising lack of those qualities in my ex husband as well as ex boyfriends. Yet, women are trained to expect to compromise on that list. After all, we shouldn’t expect men to live up to our expectations. Mr. Perfect can’t be out there for all of us so we have to compromise and accept Mr. Frog instead.

It’s sad when we look at men and decide that they can’t be expected to behave well, that they don’t have to treat women well because, well, they’re men. They should be expected to snort and spit and walk all over us because we’re the weaker sex. No, this isn’t a rant about feminism. It’s a rant about treating people well.

I’m willing to forgive flaws. God knows I have my share of them. But it isn’t acceptable to compare me to the lofty behaviour of your 6 year old child. It isn’t acceptable to use all of your vacation every year to hunt. And it wasn’t acceptable for me to expect T and even G to read my mind. Yet, I’m more than willing to admit flaws and apologize for them. But if you can’t admit to the same, then it makes it difficult for me to forgive the flaw.

J has flaws. I’ve gotta get used to his bull in a china shop approach to life. In some ways it’s great – like negotiating on my new car (Toyota matrix in bright red, go me!). Heh…not sure it’s negotiation when we move up $100 and they come down $6,000. I’m too busy apologizing for bumping into people, while he’s mowing them down ahead of me. Yet he’s surprisingly giving as well.

We’re still in that honeymoon phase. Oddly enough. It’s been 4 months. Time has flown by. I see his flaws. I’ve forced myself to open my eyes to that rather than ignore it when things are good. 4 months without a single significant fight. I’ve accepted that if I want him somewhere at a certain time, I need to call him and remind him. He’s accepted I hate asking for things – kinda works in his favour that one. However, I sucked it up and asked a lot of him over the last 3 weeks and every time, he came through. Ok, he came through on every reasonable request and a couple not-so reasonable ones. He didn’t take me to the airport for 5 am on a weeknight, but he picked me up there at 3 am on a weekend when my flight was delayed for 2.5 hours.

So there ya go. It’s hard to remember the good at the start of a relationship once things go bad. It’s easy to compare a new person to the bad times, but not so easy to face the fact that at the start of the relationship, things were pretty much the same. So, I smile more now than I have in most of the last year. But I know I smiled a lot when G and I started dating so that isn’t my qualifier for J being a good match for me.

It bugs me that T seems to have forgotten what it was like with me when it was good. That he’s willing to risk another marriage on the same qualities that made him marry me, knowing he isn’t willing to change. I hurt for what he’s going through right now and hope like hell it goes away fast, without ruining his career or him. I hope the advice I gave him helps. But I know that there are reasons we didn’t reconcile and the more I learn, the more I know it was the right thing. That I am not strong enough to stand by him through this as his wife, but I can as his friend -as long as I don’t have to talk to him. : )

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Boxing day shopping goal

Well, just had that shower, went to dry my hair and... I have something to buy this boxing day. A hair dryer. Mine shorted out. Started smoking. Even turned off, it turned itself on. Unplugged it and it's great. But man, does my house stink :)

Christmas part 2

Well, another Christmas over. This year, I never really felt the spirit of it. From a comment to my last post, I suppose I wasted a lot of money following through on a promise to someone I cared about - who cared so little he trashed what I gave him. Each gift had been chosen with a purpose, with care and with emotion. But typical of him, and as I should have expected, it meant little enough to him that it was tossed.

Odd. I still have poems written by the high school sweetheart who turned abusive. A card from my ex husband that he gave me when I needed a hug. And a card, song and other gifts from a valentine's day less than a year ago. My heart remains open and full of emotion, even after all I've been through. I know that those memories will always be precious to me even if the people and the emotion behind them are long gone. I continue to learn. About myself. About others. Yet I refuse to change.

But, I digress. Christmas part 2 is done. Christmas dinner with J, his family and his aunt and uncle. Playing tile rummy. Holistic healing. Watching game shows until midnight. Comfort. I didn't even miss my family as I would have in years past with T's family. I didn't wonder where they were, what they were doing. Wasn't even concerned with who was winning at Canasta, golf or 500. I was curled up on the sofa with a great man and his dog. Fitting in with another family where I've always felt like an outsider.

Today is Christmas part 3. Ma and Pa will be here shortly. Within a half hour. I suppose I should go shower and prepare for the shopping that lies ahead. J's gone to do some shopping with friends, realizing that my family is coming to see me and not necessarily him. Knowing that they want time with me alone to chat and gossip and it'll bore him to death.

This Christmas is different for me, but great. Who woulda thought I'd be happy to have no car?

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas.

As much as I'd hoped this Christmas would be different - in many different ways, I can't imagine it being any different. Sure, in July, I'd imagined a different partner. In October, Christmas was here with all of my family. Start of December, it was going to be at home with my family watching my nephew open Christmas presents and missing Grandma.

Today, I'm wandering around my house refereeing cat and dog fights wearing a red satin robe. (gotta love la Senza) Last night, I had Christmas Eve with Jeff's family at his sister's place. Great meal, presents, and sitting around playing with his nephews and niece. We lost at Disney's Scene It, but it was a great game and a lot of fun. Lots of laughter. Something that's been missing from my life for too long. And a feeling of belonging in a family that wasn't mine. Even sitting with R and trying to help him figure out his new superman toy. Watching Christmas concert footage and recognizing teachers and parents.

That was the odd part. I hated T's family. I know. How bad is that. But I never really fit. I was different. Which is odd because he fit in my family immediately. I was worried about that with J's family. And it never happened. I wasn't allowed to sit back and watch. I was involved from the start. Hug of welcome from his brother in law. Movies, Just like mine.

And a whisper in my ear about "fuzzies" part way through the night. He's like me. Sometimes the intensity...or is it the total level of comfort..throws us off. As I type, he's up napping with my cats while I make sure T doesn't eat my tree. I can't sleep anyway. And it might creep him out to wake up with me staring at him. Then again, finding me looking at vacation destinations and wwhite dresses might not be great either.

Kidding, people. I'm happy as hell, but let's leave the vacation for a couple years. *giggle* Oh fine. I'll leave the white dresses and take the vacation. Vegas or Mexico? Doesn't matter.

So here's the thing. This is no work. It's easy. It just fits. And it's something that's never happened to me like this. Yeah yeah. Blah blah. I know. But really. It's a situation where I don't feel he's going to run. We're equals. Similar career paths. Similar financial situation. Similar families. Similar goals. He wants the time with me, yet we alternate between needing time for ourselves. We can talk without fighting.

He asked me to stop talking to my ex boyfriend which is easy enough to do. I told him that I dropped off G's Christmas present early in Dec - before my little accident - so that I could end the communication. The gift was for him and regardless of how things ended, it was something I felt I had to do. That done, it was over. I don't have any plans to seek him out. I have no need to talk to him. Much like T. I've realized that maintaining communications with him for now is just an odd way to hold on and perhaps even continue punishing myself. So. I know I have to end those relationships. Even if for just a short period of time. I know I'll always have feelings for both and it's just not what I need to be doing - focusing on the past. Both are over. They don't miss me. They don't wonder if I miss them.

I do.

But it doesn't matter. Life moves on with purpose for all of us. Each day that goes by shows me the reasons for why things have happened the way they did. Too easy to fall in to the "what did I do to deserve this," trap. Yet, I ended up so much further ahead. Everything happens for a reason and looking back at the last year, I see that I've changed in ways I never imagined. My life has changed. My family has changed. Even my friends have changed. And it's all good.

Saturday, December 23, 2006


What a day yesterday. Was up 24 hours, but it was worth it. Made it back. Managed to resched to a flight out of Ottawa at 7:34. Flight boarded around 8. Then the gong show began. Ice. Freezing rain that started around 4pm. The gate area was like a skating rink. They couldn't get enough traction to back our plan out of the gate. So, we waited for a sanding truck. All well and good except he didn't sand back far enough. So, again, we waited for teh sanding truck.

Then de-icing. 3 hours. Yep, 3 hours later, the plane took off. Thank god for westjet and their satellite TV. Saved my sanity. Not my back or my legs, but my sanity.

I did get to see Parliament before coming home, and some of the Bywalk Market. So I did the tourist thing. Snapped pictures and hopped a plane in the middle of an ice storm. Luckily our west jet pilot and flight attendants were the crew for the Edmonton leg of the flight too so the plane kinda had to wait for us.

3 am, I dragged my tired butt off a plane and met with J waiting for me. So sweet. I'd text messaged him and told him not to bother when my flight was sooooo delayed. Yet, he checked my flight number and watched the Edmonton airport page and met me there. What a sweetheart. So instead of a cab, I got a hug and a kiss and a sweetheart grabbing my bags for me.

I get Christmas with him and his family and for once I'm looking forward to it. Never once while I was married, or even pre-marriage, did I look forward to m;y inlaws and Christmas without my family. This year I'm glad things worked out this way. Sure, I have no car, I hurt a lot and it's been a bit rushed what with the trip to Parliament, but I get what I wanted without me having to make the decision and inform my family that I'd decided not to spend the time with them. And, it gives me another year to adjust to Grandma being gone.

I'm happy. I sleep great beside him. Love waking up wrapped in his arms and he loves my cats. By all appearances this christmas coulda sucked, and likely should, but it couldn't have worked out better.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Ottawa - Day 3

Course is going well. People are great, I'm learning stuff, and they feed you like crazy. Dear god. This morning was croissants, fruit and yogurt for breakfast, followed by streudels for the mid morning snack. Afternoon was a variety of packaged snacks and ice cream. Yep. Ice cream for Pete's sake.

This city is beautiful. I can't wait to get to parliament and the museums tomorrow and saturday. I tried for an earlier flight outta here, but no go. Not unless I want to arrive in Edmonton at midnight. I've already asked too much of J. Can't ask him to be at the airport in the middle of the night - regardless of whether or not he'd do it. That's just taking advantage of someone.

At 1am, I was partly awakened by a text message on my phone. I say partly because I was up on and off through the night and that was around the time I was debating getting up for more pain killers. Short message. "Love you sweetie. Happy Birthday." What a great start to my morning. All day I kept thinking about that little message and feeling great. Small thing. Immeasurable effect.

Tried to put into words last night how I feel and it wouldn't come eloquently. Suffice it to say this is very new to me. No reason to protect myself. No doubts. Meh. It's all good.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Ottawa - Day 2.

Well, here I am. Ottawa. Second day. First day of the course is done. Yay! Not a bad course. Some really nice people. I'm the lonely unilingual person in the group, I'm sad to say. Ah well, c'est la vie. *snicker*

Flight was interesting. For a flat province, Saskatchewan sure has bumpy air. That was the roughest flight I've ever been on. Winterpeg to Ottawa was uneventful and a mostly empty plane. Yeesh. I had an entire row to myself. Stretched out, crocheted. Relaxed.

Got here, spotted shopping and off I went. Not much spectacular though. Same stuff as home - no surprise. Only a couple blocks to Parliament. Will be going there Saturday. Going to hit a museum or two as well.

Wish I didn't have my car issue to think about. Angry that my ex's new fiancee is picking out new vehicles 2 weeks after she moved in, but... it's his life. Doesn't help that I'm debating financing or going cheap and paying off bills. Difference in priority there. I'm leaning toward paying off bills. Would rather travel than drive a BMW. Imagine that.

I miss J, but the last week, or rather, the last few days with a carless, dependant me had driven him crazy. So, it's probably a really good thing flights were so expensive to get out here. I have to email him sat/sun to remind him to pick me up at the airport. Not the greatest feeling, but I have a horrible memory too so I can understand the request. But still. :) Meh. Women. Men. We see things differently.

I'd rather be at home though. Course is good, but the back and hips hurt. Enough that the course wasn't a lot of fun today. Tried to keep stretching and the chairs are wonderful, but it doesn't help that much. Off for an epsom salt bath tonight. In 4 days, I'll be home. Not sure yet if that's good or bad.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Car shopping sucks.

So, here's the thing. I'm a chick. This may mean that I was born without certain body parts. But that doesn't mean I was born without a brain or the ability to perceive when I'm being treated badly. With a lack of respect. Guess what. I'm also conscious enough of my buying power to walk away from a car dealer who doesn't treat me well. I'm walking onto your lot with cash. Cash. I'm not financing. It's not a "maybe" deal where I may or may not get financing. But, even if I wanted financing...I'd get it, dammit.

So, you've got a guaranteed sale with me. No car - written of. Insurance CASH, and a need for 4 wheels and a motor. Yet, you can't look me in the eye. You look to the guy with the penis to make the decision. To tell you what I'm looking for in a car. And I walk off your lot determined not to return. Or, even worse, as you hand me a card, you're watching your next victims walking into the dealership and you don't even bother to shake my hand because my cash budge is too low for you to bother with.

Guess what. I'm not coming back. If I do, I'm not buying from you and I will tell the sales manager why. You won't get your precious commission from me and I requested your card so I can specifically tell people who NOT to deal with.

sigh. So here I sit. Frustrated by the chauvanistic attitude displayed by so many salesmen. Hurt that because I'm just a chick, I'm expected to go in and want "the blue one" without caring about performance, price and quality. I'm ignored. bah.

Yet there's a bright point. Well, ok, not in purchasing a car. Not in the pain from the darned accident. Not in the loss of a vehicle I wanted and liked. Certainly not in weekly massage appointments to try to fix me.

But in J. I was warned that everything is an illusion. It's not. He's used his car to drag my butt around this city many times in the last week. He's helped me do research. He's agreed when car salesmen treat me like crap. He's been there for me when it has to be a heck of an inconvenience for him. He's listened when I've said "k, I'm done car shopping today. One more dealer and that baseball bat in the trunk is gonna have some blood on it."

He's humoured me as I search Saskatchewan for cars. Calgary. Red Deer. I've driven Subaru, Hyundai, Toyota, Dodge and Mazda. Gotta say, the Dodge Magnum could be fun. Out of my price range, but fun. He's hugged me as we wandered lots in the freezing cold. I'm sure he'd rather have been with his dog than freezing his butt off while I hummed and hawed about one more vehicle.

I've narrowed it down. Subaru, Toyota Forester or another Pontiac/Chev. The first two are obvious. The last... well. If I replace my car, I can do really well with what the ins. co. gave me. Really well. Like, come out ahead. Odd, since few lots have more than one of the old body style Grand Prix and many have relatively low kms - like my car.

But, it seems a common problem for the 3.8L to need work around 55,000 miles or what I was getting close to on my grand prix - perhaps this happened for a reason? Tranny work, head gaskets, etc. Did I really want to deal with that? Heh, no more than I want to be buying a new used car right now.

Do I go further in debt, or take the money, buy something to get me through the next 5 years and pay off my debt? Ahh, adulthood and the decisions to make. So many people whine about pontiac, but they have good ratings. The body style I had is hard to find used. But do I chance doing major repairs in the next 5 years? Or do I try something with a better quality reputation? Tough call.

I don't have a car. I can't go home for Christmas. I can't get out to see my friends. How much do I want to ask J to drive around this city for me. I've already asked so much and he's done it without complaint. He'd do it. That isn't a problem. The problem is I don't like having to ask. As it is, he's taking me to the airport to go to Ottawa. Then picking me up. Add to that he's in pain. And I"m feeling a lot guilty about the whole thing.

I wanted him in Ottawa with me. I hate the thought of another birthday alone. A lot to ask of someone though. "Hey...wanna spend $1000 to go to Ontario and sit around while I'm in training?" Doesn't make a lot of sense. I know he wanted to be there. Nothing I can do, or he can do, to change the situation. When I plan to be dating someone for those big days, I'm alone. When I plan to be single, I end up alone when I should be with someone.

Illusions. The only illusions were the promises made by others. This situation has shown J to be more than understanding. More than accomodating. He doesn't take over the car purchasing and when asked his opinion says, "not my car." Making it clear to the salesman that they need to deal with me. Only once did he take over and it was when I had a headache and really wasn't fully functional.

Headaches. I get them daily now. Never had them before. My hip hurts. My shoulders hurt. My back hurts. Even my hip flexors hurt. And my lower back is tense enough that it's pinching the sciatic just enough to hurt all the way down to my knee.

****Caution: Rant ahead.****

I want my life back. My car. My independance. I want my life, my body and J to be back to the way they were. No pain. Car not written off. I want to be able to sleep and curl. And sit for more than a couple hours at a time. I don't want to be spending my pre christmas time shopping for cars. I don't want to miss Christmas with my family. I hate relying on someone else to just get groceries or a trip to costco. I don't want to be considering debt because I want a car with a better history of quality since I'm now buying used and chancing it warranty-free. I don't want to fill out forms proving I'm injured enough to have insurance cover my stupid treatments. I don't want to need massage just to get through a day.

I want my "piece of crap" Pontiac. I want to be able to do what I love. I want to be able to get into a car without moaning in pain for christ's sake. I want to watch my nephew open presents Christmas morning and play with him. I don't want some post-Christmas shopping trip with my family because I just couldn't make Christmas. With Dad and D helping me pick out cars while Mom and S want to go shopping and C drives my cats crazy because they're moving stuffed toys.

I want to be able to work all day without having to move every hour or so because of pain and stiffness.

I want my life back. Really.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Just Happy.

Another night spent… well…keeping each other up as we tried to make ourselves comfortable. Apparently I’m most comfy on my back. I’m also most likely to snore loudly when I’m on my back as well. Oh well. I slept well.

He asked me to stay. Wanted me there. Missed me while he was gone. He’s tried to get affordable flights to Ottawa to spend my birthday with me, but… well… not a good time for cheap flights. So, he’ll critter sit for me and I’ll take pictures. And miss him. But that’s life. Besides, I get to spend Christmas with him and his family. My family is coming up on Boxing Day. D, S & C get to meet J. I even have hockey tickets so Grandma and Grandpa will get to babysit.

It’s insane how much I’ve changed. J and I talked about whether or not I regretted the two of us meeting over a year ago, sharing a couple words and walking away. I don’t. I wasn’t ready then. Had no clue. I was still running anytime anything looked remotely workable. I needed the patience of the wrong man to help me settle down.

Now, I’ve gone from “nuh uh, never gonna get married again. That’s for fools.” To thinking about wedding dresses, wondering if there are tungsten carbide engagement rings. Considering destinations for the “I do’s” because neither of us wants a big wedding. Something small and somewhere else will do. My dreams have changed. My hopes.

It just feels right. Yeah yeah. Hey, be thankful the word “connection” is banned from my vocabulary when it comes to men.

The flowers were a hit. As were the two ice cube man ornaments I gave him out of my auction purchases. This is something I’ve never had before. Never felt before. No conflict. No begging for time. Don’t even have to listen to stories about his dog. And his dog gets the back seat. Heh, in the Santa Fe, he’ll get the back. Not the back seat. Tiggs likes him, even if he hates the dog that comes with him. My family thinks he’s great. He was my strength when I was ready to melt down.

The best part is I don’t have to beg for time. I am a priority. I get weekends. I get weeknights - even more often now that neither of us can go on the ice. I’m not constantly compared to false ideals. I don’t have to fight for respect. I don’t have to accept hunting season, fishing season, curling season and golf season. Well, ok, fishing, curling and golf – but he wants to do those things with me.

We can communicate without fighting (so far – which is still pretty good). I’m not a secret.

Bah. I’m done gushing. Musta hit my head in the accident. Nothing else explains all this mushy sappiness

I'm going shopping.

Well, there we go - money in hand. Did all right for it, really, slightly under what I ultimately thought I’d get. I can deal with it. They came higher than I expected to be honest.

Tonight shopping commences. Not the shopping I’d anticipated, but shopping nonetheless. Merry Christmas to me? Happy Birthday? Really, I would’ve preferred jewelry, but I suppose I can deal with a new vehicle. A new SUVehicle to be exact.

I want something that’ll tow a boat and haul a dog. And look good doing it.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I'm such a great girlfriend

J gets home today, and I know his back is still a huge problem for him. So, I stopped and picked up 2 dozen roses for him and one of his favorite magazines.

Flowers aren't just for chicks, ya know.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

More fuzzies.

He doesn't like talking on the phone. This is something I can deal with, really. He'd rather be with me than blathering on the phone.

Yet tonight, and last night, he called me from out of town. Wanting to make sure things are going well with the insurance company. Checking how my back is. (Not that great, thanks for asking.)

More wonders today for someone who'd become convinced the world was full of callous people. A massage therapist who wanted to make sure that I see my dr and recommended a physiotherapist she used after her accident.

So tonight... more robax and a good sleep - hopefully. Even my best sleepytime cd didn't do me a damned bit of good last night. Whoda thunk I could sleep through opera?

Monday, December 11, 2006

Family. Friends. Blessings

Sometimes it seems life is out to get you. Handing you nothing but lemons, and no sugar for the lemonade. We focus on the heartache. The hurt. The bad.

I lost my car this weekend. But it's just a thing. Metal, plastic and rubber. A possession. Something to get me from here to there. Well, ok, it looked good doing it too. But it didn't matter. It can be replaced with little thought. I won't be replacing same make/model, because I don't want that. It's bad enough that I panic a little at stop lights now.

It was easy on Saturday to be in my own little world. Fighting back tears. Ignoring those around me. B, trying to make conversation, trying to make me smile. Looking out for me. He hardly knows me, but I'm with J and that's enough. He carried my stuff from my car. Stood by while I talked to the tow truck driver. Was J's stand-in when J hurt too much to move. He offered to take me home to feed the critters, then back to J's.

I wallowed. I let the bad - the accident - overshadow everything else. Today was completely different, as you can tell from the post below.

It's easy to overlook our friends. Our family. Just accept they're there. I'm someone who hates to ask for things. Scared I'll get told "no." Can't imagine where that came from.

I've been giving a friend advice based on my regrets. Treating her like she knows nothing, when she's older and wiser than I. She knows herself and I've gotta stop letting my regrets affect her. I hope she deals with the emotion before setting off with someone else. These last months have been awkward for me as I danced around other's wants and needs while trying to figure out mine. I didn't ask for the situation. Things just happened. And that's what's happening for her. It's just happening.

And it hurts me to watch. It's like I can see the future, but I can't do a damned thing to stop it. I wish I coulda seen the future back last February. Well, I could. I knew better. I couldn't see the ultimate outcome.

Yet, today, I know I made the right decision moving on. Sorry, T, I've let the hurt and frustration I felt overrule my current situation. Go with your gut. Your heart. And don't let anyone make you question that. Don't let "what if's" and "if only's" break your heart. Don't shed a tear over someone who would hurt you so easily. So callously. He's not worth it. You deserve better, like I did. Don't let fear and regrets cloud your judgement. You're a smart chick. I'm the dumbass.

Oh right. This is about blessings. Friends who stood by me when I made dumbass decision after dumbass decision. People who listened to me cry and moan and whine, and then do the same thing again. People who are there when I need 'em.

Just got off the phone with my Dad. He sent me to our hometown dealership's webpage to peruse the used vehicle listings. He's trying to help. He's worried about me. But he knows I've got J to help me through this so I think that eases his mind a little.

I have never felt so...good about things. It took a car accident to make me see the people around me for what they are. I could see the accident as a bad thing. But it isn't. My car will be replaced. I'll heal. Hopefully J heals quickly (god, I feel so bad he's soooo sore). Everything I gained, I already had. But the appreciation of it all was missing. The understanding of what I truly hold.

Who knew the accident could be such a good thing.

Warm fuzzies.

All right. I'm in love. Yep. I have good reason to be too. He's wonderful. He called tonight to make sure things went well with the insurance company.

Dad called to let me know he found a car back home for sale.

T stopped by on her way home to pick up my car keys and drop them off on the south side.

My ex was supportive when I told him. No offer of help, understandably, but he was supportive.

My family will be up after Christmas. Or it looks like they will be. Managed to convince them I didn't need them up here now. They're worried about me. Sure it manifests itself in somewhat controlling behaviour.

R has called or IM'd me every day to see how I am, and she's doing so much to help cheer me up. She has her own issues to deal with, yet she's being an incredible friend to me.

People who care. It's amazing the warm fuzzies a girl can get with great people in her life.

Even in the midst of all the crap happening, I feel good just because of how good the people are around me. People you can count on. People who care.


Sunday, December 10, 2006

Communication and blogs

J read my blog a few times, looking for answers. He doesn't get me sometimes. Wanted to know why I hid. When I was kidding. Who I really was. I asked him to stop. I didn't want this to turn into a communication forum with him. It's my private freak-out place and if he has questions, he can ask me and I'll answer. He understands that what is here is temporary and it's me working through things.

He knows I went to see G at work. He wasn't happy at first, but understood why I had to. He understood how it changed things for me. How I went from living in the past to understanding the present in less than an hour. I found reality, rather than the dream relationship I'd hoped for, but never had. I gained perspective and opened my heart.

He and I talk. He gets when something is wrong with me and when he asks, I tell him. If I say "nothing," he leaves me alone to stew. Then, when I'm ready, I talk. We need to deal with the way we talk. We each get defensive. But we've never fought. I've almost been in tears. But I've never once wanted to yell or hurt him.

He understood after I reposted the end of the relationship with G why I didn't want him here. He knows that the emotions are real, raw and only a brief glimpse of me. I'm not insane. I'm not anything but someone working through some really crappy stuff in an oddly public way. Yet, I don't know most people who read this and those I do know are people I trusted with the address.

J just does. He lives his life as he sees fit. He's fitting me into it more and more and in very meaningful ways. He called R and D "our" friend when I said I felt bad because the purpose of the trip was to see my friends. He has this odd way of knowing me. Backing off when that's what I need, and being there when I need that. He wants me to deal with the T issues, and in talking with him, he knows that it isn't T I miss. It's the situation. The ideal I'd dreamed of. The hopes I'd had. The blow to my beliefs I took when it ended. He knows why.

Yeah, it set me back for a day or two. It's that time of month. One of these days they've gotta figure out they need to time these huge, earth shaking announcements. 2 weeks later and I'da been great. The day after I finally thought I'd figured out the present was bad timing.

The earth shook. I let the past hurt. I talked. I cried. I felt. I moved on. Time passes. J may or may not be here forever, but the time I have with him is a gift like none other. Something protected me from injury yesterday, but gave that burden to J. The accident tested me. It tested J. It showed me what I have. It showed me what's important. It showed true character, strength and caring. Someone there when times are tough. When it sucks the most. When I'm at my lowest.

Communication. Blogs don't work. The words here are but a moment in history and not the whole story. They are the extremes. They are too easily misconstrued. Words spoken quietly over dinner, softly in the dark, or even while sitting on opposite ends of a sofa trying to deal with life and reality are better indicators. They can be responded to, discussed. Insanity, double standards and cruelty can be pointed out and dealt with. Misunderstandings can be dealt with the second they happen. And people grow closer together from that understanding, that communication. They don't shut down and walk away. They work for what matters.

Love. When I met J, we both went a little crazy. Meeting that one person you didn't know existed can do that to ya. And we both let ourselves fall. The timing wasn't great. And I let my insecurities take hold. But in the last 2 months, communication has helped us deal with our insecurities. Our hurts. Our insanity.

Love at first sight? I dunno. Sure, it could exist, but after that, both people have to want it bad enough to put in the effort to keep that love going. Help that feeling grow. Was this love at first sight? Depends what you consider first sight. But yeah, I think we both knew there was something there worth pursuing once we actually formally met. The more we got to know each other, the more we both knew it was special.

If it isn't there though, you can't fake it and hope it'll come. I tried it. There's fondness, affection, but no real love.

J is what I'd been afraid to hope existed. Someone so like me in so many ways, yet different where it matters. Calm and organized where I'm fiery and impulsive. Yet we share so many interests. Common beliefs. Common backgrounds. Needs. Wants. Interests. Personalities that are almost insanely balanced. Opposites, yet not. And both willing to be here. Wanting a future. Seeing one together and working toward making that happen. Love. I was afraid to call it that, but in the last two days I've seen a lot. Honest reactions in times of stress. Strength when needed. Understanding. Communication. Yeah. I'm in love. And it's finally someone worthy of it.

What a difference a day makes.

Friday I was terrified.

Saturday, the span of 10 seconds changed my life. I stopped in time. Barely avoided hitting the girl in front of me. As I took a deep breath and said to J "Thank god, I thought we were going to ..." I heard a thump and my car was pushed forward.

My car is toast. It's a good 2 feet shorter than when it started out in the morning, it is clearly twisted and the back bumper is dragging on the ground. I was sick about it yesterday. Held it together though. Dealt with the police. Dealt with the little old man who was driving the other car. Sat with J and waited at the hospital. He, on the other hand... he was out taking pictures of the accident. He got witness names and numbers. He hugged me when I got out of the car and first saw the damage I thought would be minimal. He called his friend to pick us up.

He asked me to call an ambulance when he just about passed out. He still wanted to help me get stuff out of my car and be there to talk to the tow truck driver. B did for him. An excellent stand-in.

J hugged me when I burst into tears when we got home over 9 hours later. He got up this morning and went looking at used vehicles, new vehicles, and trying to get me an idea what I'd get from insurance for my car. He made me breakfast and kissed my forehead. He left me on the couch reading when I couldn't sleep and just wanted to be alone. He left me B's number in case I need anything while J is out of town. He drove around with me this afternoon, looking at vehicles. Helping me feel better.

He was stability when everything around me seemed to be collapsing.

Then tonight over dinner he told me that he was sorry this happened to me, to us. He thinks he got the brunt of the injury because he can take pain and I can't. He offered to take me to SK for the holidays if I don't get a rental through insurance. He said that he can be the rock, but he is upset for me. That he does feel it but he knew I needed strength rather than someone else freaking out. He understood my tears were fear that I can't afford another car. That I'll get screwed by insurance.

I said to him last night as we fell asleep, "I'm really not nuts you know." and he said, "I never thought you were." When I joked about selling my condo to pay for a new vehicle, he joked that I'd be moving in with him. Then added "I wouldn't mind it in the least" when I denied that was my plan.

I've gone from fear to understanding. He is in my life for a reason. He wants to be there. He knows I've considered running and he didn't bat an eye.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Finding a path

So. I'm not handling the whole remarriage thing all that well. Flipped on my ex. We fought. He got defensive and attacked me. Understandable. Can't blame him. Only he came out with things he never told me before.

And for as far as I was sure I'd come, I was wrong. I haven't changed. I fear that the things that destroyed T and I will destroy things in the future. Jeff and I talked about it. Not sure what I expected. He wants me to deal with the T situation. What am I supposed to say. I have regrets. I know that T and I weren't right for each other.

And I'm scared. I don't want to go through that again. Jeff is...he's right for me. He and his pup. He's sweet. Caring. I know better than to run. It'd be insanity to bail on him. I'd lose someone I have so much in common with.

I spent every night with him this last week. Except last night. And that was my choice. It was oddly too much for me. I don't like that I think of his place as home. He understands that it's too much and he's letting me decide what's next. Strange that it's me that wants to slow down. And it isn't because of what T said. I think I picked the fight with T because of how I was feeling. I'm angry that I'm scared. Terrified I'll get hurt.

And it's insane. There I sat in tears, with him not so much saying what I wanted to hear, but listening to what I said. Sure, he doesn't "get" it. But he was right when he said that fear might make me miss out on something incredible, even if it's just temporary.

Friday, December 01, 2006


He’s getting married. Part of me is angry. Jealous as hell. And whining like a kid. It should be me that’s happy first. I know, life isn’t fair. But it just seems so wrong that he go and find someone else so quickly. So easily. And here I am. Struggling. Starting over again.

I’m not a horrible person. I’ve tried to just be me and get through this life with some sense of doing things right. Yet I feel like just as I’m getting my feet under me again, something else comes along.

Just last night I started to get some perspective on one situation in my life and wham, today I’m (somewhat) blindsided again. It hurts. He would’ve called me but he was afraid J would answer the phone. Ha. That would mean that J and I are answering each other’s phones. We aren’t. I’ve been at his house and listened to the phone ring J but I won’t answer it. Just seems a huge invasion.

My phone never rings so I can’t see J answering it if it did. He might just look at it like it sprouted a head or something. Even Tigg has stopped moving when the phone rings – he’s forgotten that could mean him getting tossed.

Married. News I wasn’t ready to hear, but I knew it was coming. He said he’s not sure how he’ll deal with it when I get married. I told him he won’t get advance warning. It’ll just happen. I’ll go away and come back and say “I’m married.”

He’s happy. G’s happy. Everyone has a future with someone…else. I’m terrified what I have is too good to be true.

Regrets and the past are all well and good, but it’s the past for a reason and it’s time for me to move on and let him do the same. I have to let T get married. Heh, not much I can do to stop it. Although some days I wouldn’t mind being the crazy ex-wife.

Today I just feel crazy.