Monday, December 11, 2006

Family. Friends. Blessings

Sometimes it seems life is out to get you. Handing you nothing but lemons, and no sugar for the lemonade. We focus on the heartache. The hurt. The bad.

I lost my car this weekend. But it's just a thing. Metal, plastic and rubber. A possession. Something to get me from here to there. Well, ok, it looked good doing it too. But it didn't matter. It can be replaced with little thought. I won't be replacing same make/model, because I don't want that. It's bad enough that I panic a little at stop lights now.

It was easy on Saturday to be in my own little world. Fighting back tears. Ignoring those around me. B, trying to make conversation, trying to make me smile. Looking out for me. He hardly knows me, but I'm with J and that's enough. He carried my stuff from my car. Stood by while I talked to the tow truck driver. Was J's stand-in when J hurt too much to move. He offered to take me home to feed the critters, then back to J's.

I wallowed. I let the bad - the accident - overshadow everything else. Today was completely different, as you can tell from the post below.

It's easy to overlook our friends. Our family. Just accept they're there. I'm someone who hates to ask for things. Scared I'll get told "no." Can't imagine where that came from.

I've been giving a friend advice based on my regrets. Treating her like she knows nothing, when she's older and wiser than I. She knows herself and I've gotta stop letting my regrets affect her. I hope she deals with the emotion before setting off with someone else. These last months have been awkward for me as I danced around other's wants and needs while trying to figure out mine. I didn't ask for the situation. Things just happened. And that's what's happening for her. It's just happening.

And it hurts me to watch. It's like I can see the future, but I can't do a damned thing to stop it. I wish I coulda seen the future back last February. Well, I could. I knew better. I couldn't see the ultimate outcome.

Yet, today, I know I made the right decision moving on. Sorry, T, I've let the hurt and frustration I felt overrule my current situation. Go with your gut. Your heart. And don't let anyone make you question that. Don't let "what if's" and "if only's" break your heart. Don't shed a tear over someone who would hurt you so easily. So callously. He's not worth it. You deserve better, like I did. Don't let fear and regrets cloud your judgement. You're a smart chick. I'm the dumbass.

Oh right. This is about blessings. Friends who stood by me when I made dumbass decision after dumbass decision. People who listened to me cry and moan and whine, and then do the same thing again. People who are there when I need 'em.

Just got off the phone with my Dad. He sent me to our hometown dealership's webpage to peruse the used vehicle listings. He's trying to help. He's worried about me. But he knows I've got J to help me through this so I think that eases his mind a little.

I have never felt so...good about things. It took a car accident to make me see the people around me for what they are. I could see the accident as a bad thing. But it isn't. My car will be replaced. I'll heal. Hopefully J heals quickly (god, I feel so bad he's soooo sore). Everything I gained, I already had. But the appreciation of it all was missing. The understanding of what I truly hold.

Who knew the accident could be such a good thing.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home