Sunday, December 10, 2006

Communication and blogs

J read my blog a few times, looking for answers. He doesn't get me sometimes. Wanted to know why I hid. When I was kidding. Who I really was. I asked him to stop. I didn't want this to turn into a communication forum with him. It's my private freak-out place and if he has questions, he can ask me and I'll answer. He understands that what is here is temporary and it's me working through things.

He knows I went to see G at work. He wasn't happy at first, but understood why I had to. He understood how it changed things for me. How I went from living in the past to understanding the present in less than an hour. I found reality, rather than the dream relationship I'd hoped for, but never had. I gained perspective and opened my heart.

He and I talk. He gets when something is wrong with me and when he asks, I tell him. If I say "nothing," he leaves me alone to stew. Then, when I'm ready, I talk. We need to deal with the way we talk. We each get defensive. But we've never fought. I've almost been in tears. But I've never once wanted to yell or hurt him.

He understood after I reposted the end of the relationship with G why I didn't want him here. He knows that the emotions are real, raw and only a brief glimpse of me. I'm not insane. I'm not anything but someone working through some really crappy stuff in an oddly public way. Yet, I don't know most people who read this and those I do know are people I trusted with the address.

J just does. He lives his life as he sees fit. He's fitting me into it more and more and in very meaningful ways. He called R and D "our" friend when I said I felt bad because the purpose of the trip was to see my friends. He has this odd way of knowing me. Backing off when that's what I need, and being there when I need that. He wants me to deal with the T issues, and in talking with him, he knows that it isn't T I miss. It's the situation. The ideal I'd dreamed of. The hopes I'd had. The blow to my beliefs I took when it ended. He knows why.

Yeah, it set me back for a day or two. It's that time of month. One of these days they've gotta figure out they need to time these huge, earth shaking announcements. 2 weeks later and I'da been great. The day after I finally thought I'd figured out the present was bad timing.

The earth shook. I let the past hurt. I talked. I cried. I felt. I moved on. Time passes. J may or may not be here forever, but the time I have with him is a gift like none other. Something protected me from injury yesterday, but gave that burden to J. The accident tested me. It tested J. It showed me what I have. It showed me what's important. It showed true character, strength and caring. Someone there when times are tough. When it sucks the most. When I'm at my lowest.

Communication. Blogs don't work. The words here are but a moment in history and not the whole story. They are the extremes. They are too easily misconstrued. Words spoken quietly over dinner, softly in the dark, or even while sitting on opposite ends of a sofa trying to deal with life and reality are better indicators. They can be responded to, discussed. Insanity, double standards and cruelty can be pointed out and dealt with. Misunderstandings can be dealt with the second they happen. And people grow closer together from that understanding, that communication. They don't shut down and walk away. They work for what matters.

Love. When I met J, we both went a little crazy. Meeting that one person you didn't know existed can do that to ya. And we both let ourselves fall. The timing wasn't great. And I let my insecurities take hold. But in the last 2 months, communication has helped us deal with our insecurities. Our hurts. Our insanity.

Love at first sight? I dunno. Sure, it could exist, but after that, both people have to want it bad enough to put in the effort to keep that love going. Help that feeling grow. Was this love at first sight? Depends what you consider first sight. But yeah, I think we both knew there was something there worth pursuing once we actually formally met. The more we got to know each other, the more we both knew it was special.

If it isn't there though, you can't fake it and hope it'll come. I tried it. There's fondness, affection, but no real love.

J is what I'd been afraid to hope existed. Someone so like me in so many ways, yet different where it matters. Calm and organized where I'm fiery and impulsive. Yet we share so many interests. Common beliefs. Common backgrounds. Needs. Wants. Interests. Personalities that are almost insanely balanced. Opposites, yet not. And both willing to be here. Wanting a future. Seeing one together and working toward making that happen. Love. I was afraid to call it that, but in the last two days I've seen a lot. Honest reactions in times of stress. Strength when needed. Understanding. Communication. Yeah. I'm in love. And it's finally someone worthy of it.


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