Friday, December 08, 2006

Finding a path

So. I'm not handling the whole remarriage thing all that well. Flipped on my ex. We fought. He got defensive and attacked me. Understandable. Can't blame him. Only he came out with things he never told me before.

And for as far as I was sure I'd come, I was wrong. I haven't changed. I fear that the things that destroyed T and I will destroy things in the future. Jeff and I talked about it. Not sure what I expected. He wants me to deal with the T situation. What am I supposed to say. I have regrets. I know that T and I weren't right for each other.

And I'm scared. I don't want to go through that again. Jeff is...he's right for me. He and his pup. He's sweet. Caring. I know better than to run. It'd be insanity to bail on him. I'd lose someone I have so much in common with.

I spent every night with him this last week. Except last night. And that was my choice. It was oddly too much for me. I don't like that I think of his place as home. He understands that it's too much and he's letting me decide what's next. Strange that it's me that wants to slow down. And it isn't because of what T said. I think I picked the fight with T because of how I was feeling. I'm angry that I'm scared. Terrified I'll get hurt.

And it's insane. There I sat in tears, with him not so much saying what I wanted to hear, but listening to what I said. Sure, he doesn't "get" it. But he was right when he said that fear might make me miss out on something incredible, even if it's just temporary.


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