Cube with a blocked view.

Merry Christmas.

As much as I'd hoped this Christmas would be different - in many different ways, I can't imagine it being any different. Sure, in July, I'd imagined a different partner. In October, Christmas was here with all of my family. Start of December, it was going to be at home with my family watching my nephew open Christmas presents and missing Grandma.

Today, I'm wandering around my house refereeing cat and dog fights wearing a red satin robe. (gotta love la Senza) Last night, I had Christmas Eve with Jeff's family at his sister's place. Great meal, presents, and sitting around playing with his nephews and niece. We lost at Disney's Scene It, but it was a great game and a lot of fun. Lots of laughter. Something that's been missing from my life for too long. And a feeling of belonging in a family that wasn't mine. Even sitting with R and trying to help him figure out his new superman toy. Watching Christmas concert footage and recognizing teachers and parents.

That was the odd part. I hated T's family. I know. How bad is that. But I never really fit. I was different. Which is odd because he fit in my family immediately. I was worried about that with J's family. And it never happened. I wasn't allowed to sit back and watch. I was involved from the start. Hug of welcome from his brother in law. Movies, games....family. Just like mine.

And a whisper in my ear about "fuzzies" part way through the night. He's like me. Sometimes the intensity...or is it the total level of comfort..throws us off. As I type, he's up napping with my cats while I make sure T doesn't eat my tree. I can't sleep anyway. And it might creep him out to wake up with me staring at him. Then again, finding me looking at vacation destinations and wwhite dresses might not be great either.

Kidding, people. I'm happy as hell, but let's leave the vacation for a couple years. *giggle* Oh fine. I'll leave the white dresses and take the vacation. Vegas or Mexico? Doesn't matter.

So here's the thing. This is no work. It's easy. It just fits. And it's something that's never happened to me like this. Yeah yeah. Blah blah. I know. But really. It's a situation where I don't feel he's going to run. We're equals. Similar career paths. Similar financial situation. Similar families. Similar goals. He wants the time with me, yet we alternate between needing time for ourselves. We can talk without fighting.

He asked me to stop talking to my ex boyfriend which is easy enough to do. I told him that I dropped off G's Christmas present early in Dec - before my little accident - so that I could end the communication. The gift was for him and regardless of how things ended, it was something I felt I had to do. That done, it was over. I don't have any plans to seek him out. I have no need to talk to him. Much like T. I've realized that maintaining communications with him for now is just an odd way to hold on and perhaps even continue punishing myself. So. I know I have to end those relationships. Even if for just a short period of time. I know I'll always have feelings for both and it's just not what I need to be doing - focusing on the past. Both are over. They don't miss me. They don't wonder if I miss them.

I do.

But it doesn't matter. Life moves on with purpose for all of us. Each day that goes by shows me the reasons for why things have happened the way they did. Too easy to fall in to the "what did I do to deserve this," trap. Yet, I ended up so much further ahead. Everything happens for a reason and looking back at the last year, I see that I've changed in ways I never imagined. My life has changed. My family has changed. Even my friends have changed. And it's all good.

posted by Erin @ 11:27 AM