Monday, April 04, 2005

And here I thought I had nothing to say

These past couple weeks have been good for me. Learning experience really. In a way, it was helped along by the fact my ex and I hadn't been talking much. I didn't even notice until he messaged me later last night wanting to chat and I asked him what he wanted. I was just a little surprised to see him chatting with me. Even when he came over yesterday to check the bear rugs and stuff I took down - to make sure the cats couldn't get at it - I had nothing to say to him and just wanted him to leave. Not because I was angry, but because I had other things I wanted to do, and I was just uncomfortable with him. Nothing to say, certainly nothing to do.

Emotionally, the last couple weeks have been a little hard on me. Going through all of that stuff... Trying to figure out what I'm really thinking. I really haven't been sleeping well. Like last night, fell asleep right away, then at 1am, like every other night, I woke up and had a hell of a time falling back to sleep. But at least it was better than a couple nights ago.

In yoga, I've learned that there are certain meditative practices that bring up a lot of emotion, and I think that's the effect all of my reflection the past little while has had. a couple nights ago I woke up and as usual, started thinking. Next thing I knew, I was reaching for the box of tissues. I still don't remember what, exactly, brought that on. Probably a little thinking of my brother, thinking about my life, and...mistakes.

It's weird though. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can be an emotional girl, but not like that. I've never had that happen before. Maybe I was meditating in my sleep. Anyway, whatever it is, this waking up between midnight and 1 has got to stop. I'm losing too much sleep.

It's interesting. After he first moved out, I was a mess mentally. There was no way I could even start sorting things out. It all made me feel so guilty. I think my close friends noticed, but no one else. Other than I was a bit crankier than normal, and my patience level had hit a new low for me. No one even guessed that we'd separated where I worked. In fact, that rumor just kinda got started last week before my friend there squashed it as best he could.

But now, after the initial shock of the whole thing, I'm pleasantly surprised. Ok, call me heartless if you will. Trust me, I'm wondering that about me as it is. But let's face it - if I hadn't been ready for it to end, I never would've (not in a million years) even considered the separation. And, sure, the guilt's still there. Probably always will be in some form. A reminder to think things through in the future, maybe not jump into big things with both feet. That's a bit of a deviation from what I've said in the past week about taking chances and living life.

Marriage is huge. It's not like learning to snowshoe, buying a car, or skipping out on the pink fashion trend. It's not something easily undone, nor should it be. I will say this much: I will never look at someone going through a divorce and suggest they took the easy way out. It isn't the easy way out. At least not for me. I'm only a couple months from the 6 month mark. Another 6 to go before the final divorce papers go through the court. Halfway there.

I do consider it somewhat a miracle that I don't hate him. I didn't think I'd think about him and feel little to nothing at all. Well, ok, there's guilt. Other than that, I think things had deteriorated to the point where I just didn't care anymore. And that sucks. I know what I did wrong. I've come to accept that and I'm working towards changing so I don't make the same mistakes again.

Wow, so this turned into a pretty serious post. I guess it's a pretty serious topic, but it's still a bit of a surprise. Nothing I could even make fun of.


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