Wednesday, March 30, 2005

The three R's of my day...

Resting, reflection and reading. It's one of those days where no matter what I read, listened to or saw, I turned into a thinker.

I just finished spending a few hours curled up in an armchair in front of the fire. Not in the corner where the chair is usually stored. Nope, I pulled it over beside Tigger, since he'd already claimed his spot in the warmth, and curled up with a pillow and an afghan and a book by one of my favorite authors. I read; I watched the fire; I scratched a tigger belly that was so warm I'm surprised he wasn't smoking.

Fire. The very word conjurs up all kinds of images. Nights spent around a campfire, telling stories, spending time with family and friends. A nice warm fire in a fireplace, the epitome of romance when shared with someone special. Flames dancing, casting light and shadow across everything in it's path. Giving off heat and feelings of general warmth.

Then there's the destructive side of fire. Buildings burned, families left homeless.

Fire. "You're playing with fire," "Play with fire and you're going to get burned." "Fiery," meant to describe an intense personality. Fireworks, something one can only hope to find with someone else.

Tonight, for me, it was comforting. The fire wrapped me in warmth. Comforted me as I stared into its depths, mesmerized...much like Tigger tends to get. My toes were toasty warm as I stretched my feet out to the flames. And I realized I'd found my quiet place. The house is mine. I don't have to have the TV on when I'm downstairs. I can read on the couch, or really, anywhere I darned well want to read. If I just want to sit there and stare at the fire, all the better. I can move the furniture to best accomodate what I need at the time. I know, I know, most of this should go without saying. But after sharing a place for so long, these are revelations to me.

I thought about me and my attitude about life right now. This reflective side of me has hidden for so long that it's an adjustment finding her again. But it's good. Very good.

Society seems to imply that someone alone is wrong. Defective. Broken. Clearly there's something wrong with that person. I bought into it for far too many years. Worried people would think badly of me for being alone. Convinced I was defective if I didn't have someone to share my life with. Ironically, this past week, I've found more happiness in my decision to take a break from dating, either temporarily or indefinitely, than from any date I've had or planned.

It's a strange feeling of peace. Of finally understanding I don't have to be "with" someone to be happy with my life.

It's still going to suck being "the single one" when I go out with friends. And I know after what I wrote in the previous post, you've got to be wondering how I can consider this to be anything but a failure. I'll admit, it's partly a fear-based decision. But it's more a decision based on what's right for me right now. I have healing that needs to be done. Probably from more than just my marriage. Things I never dealt with that should've been dealt with. Until I do that, until I heal, it's not fair of me to involve anyone else in the mess I've made of my life.

The last thing I ever want to do is hurt other people. Once I heal and move on, I can consider involving someone else in my life, and know I'm in a better position to be with them without causing unnecessary hurt.

Now excuse me while I go do my impersonation of a cat and curl up in front of a toasty warm fire with a good book.


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