Monday, March 28, 2005

Moving and moving on.

Warning: read the following at your own risk. I've had a rough night.

So I spent the night doing some more packing. Which is fine, although hard work, except I got to go through some more painful stuff tonight. Wedding pictures, gifts from him, wedding gifts. Even cards. There's always a decision to be made... trash it or keep it.

So I went through the little moments from the past 10 years of my life. piece by piece. The balloon that came with the flowers he gave me when I got my first job in Edmonton. Postcards from our trip to Vegas. Little things, lots of memories. Lots of hurt.

I've already thrown the photo albums into boxes and put a name on them. One of us gets to sort that out. Wedding pictures... well, I can't trash em. Much like the wedding dress. Well, I could trash that and I probably will. Maybe. Damn my sentimental side.

Ok, so I think we can agree I'm still hurting over this. A lot, when I'm faced with the pieces of the life I'm trying to pick up and put back together. Only with huge parts missing. I like puzzles, but they're no fun when you don't have all the pieces.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't know what to do. Being alone sucks, quite frankly, when you're not used to being alone night after night, day after day. And I'm pretty much a fish outta water when it comes to dating. Not a clue what to do or how to do it. I'm a geek. And a soft geek at that. I don't know anything about who I am. I know, sounds so cliche, but, I've spent 7 years married to a guy and now I'm not sure what parts of that life I want to keep.

I know who I am. I'm a geek. Curling's always been a part of my life. I have hair that's pretty much black...well except for the large number of grey hairs that Karen covers so well for me. It's naturally curly, which drives me nuts. Guess that's not so much me, is it? I love my car. Love animals and I want to continue fostering dogs. Which means a house makes more sense then renting something somewhere. Family means a lot to me, and mine is slightly nuts, but they love me. I want to travel. Hell, travel is a big part of the reason I'm single again. Heh, I'm not writing this to tell you who I am. Or even to figure that out.

I'm a slightly soft geek. 7 years of complacency and a knee injury that kept me out of the gym over the winters. The only time I've been in a hospital for myself - to get an MRI on my knee. Worrying that I may have ended my curling "career," before it ever started. So guess who gets to hit the gym and actually try to get into shape for curling. Don't hear that often, do you?

Anyway, back to the not knowing who I am. Well, I'm in a bad spot to try dating. Kinda a stupid thing to say after I spent an hour crying and dealing with the pain I still feel over my ex. So, Robyn can celebrate. I'm going to be done dating. I've already cancelled my date this week with A. That had to be done anyway. I'll have the other date on Friday, but then I think I need to get used to spending time with me. And my critters.

Tigger tried to "help" me pack earlier. Nothing like a soft little cat purring as I rub his belly to make me feel all soft and girly. And a better option than continuing to screw things up with whatever guy is interested in me. I actually realized today I can, and definitely should, have standards when it comes to my life and the people in it. I guess I started realizing that last fall. If I don't want to repeat the mistakes I've already made, I'd better start putting me first and demanding I get treated better. By everyone in my life. Even my parents.

There's not much I can do about the cats. They're going to keep coughing up hairballs at the worst possible times. But hey, tonight, I got my closets cleaned out and boxes moved downstairs. Now... who wants to give me a massage? My back is SO going to hurt tomorrow.


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