Monday, March 21, 2005

Making decisions for the future

I'm trying to sell my house. It should be easy enough and today, surprisingly, I'm not going to rant about realtors. You're safe for another day. I am going to try to figure out where I want to be. Because when I do sell this house, I need to know what I want to do.

The way I see it, I'm here for another year. I actually have a second for my team in the park next year. So as long as we can manage to hold on to Candace for another year - unlikely as she's one of the better leads OR seconds out there - we're going to have a fun team. I should have no problems getting Tara as she'll be a new curler and people don't typically like taking the new curlers.

Add to the sherwood park league my plan to spare in the ladies superleague and really I'm in the best curling position staying in Edmonton for another year. Plus it does make it easier to finalize all of the divorce stuff. October 28th the divorce will be filed. Still seems so far away, but it feels like we've been separated forever too. Probably have the wrong date on the separation. Almost guarantee we do. But what do I know?

Being alone is probably one of the toughest decisions I've ever made. Maybe if I spent as much time deciding whether to marry him I wouldn't be in this situation. But I was (am) stubborn and I did it. So now I get to deal with that. And it sucks.

It's not that he's a bad guy overall. Or that anyone else is really aware of. I just can't be married to him. Sounds bad, doesn't it? Like, for me. I know my family wants to know why. Some of my friends know and they're good with it. Others don't and for the most part, they haven't asked.

I talked to my friend Dawn in september when I was in Calgary. I asked her how she knew it was time to end things with her ex. She told me she knew it was time to when he would leave and she hoped he wouldn't come back. I couldn't believe it. I used to feel so guilty for thinking things like that. Not that I wanted anything to happen to him. But I wanted out of the marriage without having to actually leave him. Stupid huh? It's hard to explain. But for years I did wonder what it would be like to be single again. Well, now I know. And now I know that I should've ended it before I ever followed him to Edmonton. Out of 7 years of marriage, I was unhappy for at least 5, but probably 6 or more.

So maybe I shouldn't have done a lot of things. But when it came to ending it, I still felt guilty. So I tried to make it easier on him. I didn't want him to be hurt. So I tried to make it friendly and that made it harder on both of us. Especially since me being me, I spent a lot of time trying to make it easier on him.

But that's not what this is about. This is about where I want to be. Next year when it comes to the end of curling season, I'm going to figure that I want to curl with them again, and I'm probably going to stay in Edmonton again. If things go well in the superleague it would be really bad timing to wander away from the city too. Not that I'm really holding my breath on that, but if there are going to be team changes, this is the year it'll happen. After this any team changes could cost a team in the rankings and affect Olympic trials spots for 2010. Yeah... like I'll be on a team for that. But really, whatever I want to do with my curling, I have to stop procrastinating and do my best to actually start moving forward on that. And it'll give me something to do in the winters.

So looking at it from a curling point of view, I'm probably much better off planning to stay in Edmonton for a longer period of time.

Personally is another story. If I stay and have to deal with T, I'm going to go nuts. He knows how to make me feel guilty. I'm sure over time he'll adjust and move on. I hoped it would start sooner than now. I know he isn't ready to know I've been dating. Or he's just using that to make me feel guilty. Who knows.

Sigh, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with the money from the sale of the house...and Bailey's drinking water from my glass. At least she hasn't dumped it yet. Odd for her.

It really makes no sense for me to buy a house, especially since people think I'm nuts for wanting to buy the kind of house I want. Sure the hardwood creaked. I might not have a whole lot of closet space. The yard isn't much bigger than what I have in my current suburban hell. I'll probably continue to be surrounded by young families and older couples. Then again, I'm fairly sure I'll be short on $$ again this month so maybe looking at buying a house is a bad idea. Really, paying off my car and having some money for travelling is probably a better idea. I could dump some more money into my RRSP's too. Really, that makes the most sense, and gives me more time to figure out where I want to be.

Now, I have to go get a fresh glass of water and go watch City Confidential talk about Mormons killing each other.


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