Tuesday, August 07, 2007

The state of the..uh.. goddess?

Well, here I am. Last week would've been 10 years, but alas it wasn't. I guess it still was 10 years since the day, but so much has changed. Time changes everything and it seems I'll come to terms with it over time. But just not quite yet.

I had some anger. Some tears. It hurts. His next big day is next month and I don't understand how when for me the hurt is still so real. But to each his own, I suppose. Still, I wish he'd hurt just a little. Otherwise it was all for nothing. Of course, in reality, it really was all for nothing.

The accident was last Dec. Still no settlement from the insurance company, and today I'm back to massage therapy. Ok, it's partly my fault, but that tree reached out and grabbed my foot... I swear it! A walk at lunch will hopefully straighten that out a bit and make it so I'm not aching all day.

The car still sits on my line of credit. Is it any wonder I'm stressed with that sitting there? Lovely. More debt. My bonus from work which should be for fun was eaten up trying to pay for a car I shouldn't have had to buy.

The trips I'd planned this year vapourized. The last attempt - solo trip to Scotland went away with roof repairs required for my house. Now everyone keeps asking about that trip. Yeah. No. No vacation left. No money left.

Yet, I'm happy. Content, if you will. I have a guy who's wonderful. He knows how to make me laugh, even if he doesn't know how to handle the tears. His family is this perfect fit and they want me around as much as J does. I'm going to be an aunt again - twins!

I've made decisions in the last 5 years, heck even the last year, that aren't popular. I've stood up for myself and sought my own happiness rather than trying my darnedest to make other people happy, when they'll never be happy. I spent more money than I should have trying to meet the demands of someone who cares only for herself. I fell into the trap of trying to give J everything while asking for nothing.

Looking back at things makes it all so much clearer. People who were only in it for themselves. Some still are. I see that T is fishing even more now. Good for him. It only solidifies my decision. My goal in life is to be more than a bed warmer when someone decides he has time for me.

Then again, it's my goals and direction in life (heh, PM/BA!!!) that have caused more problems than anything else. But it's who I am. And I'm finally taking that strength and backbone into my personal life and standing up for myself there. Yeah, it sucks for those who took advantage of it, but oh well.

Fun fact: Did you know that the average bridesmaid will spend $1400 for the "honor" of participating in a wedding (this is from women's health's August edition)? Note to self...skip the wedding party and let my friends enjoy themselves rather than be slaves at my beck and call while I drain their bank accounts and energy levels.


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