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Second Chances

For a long time, I believed I didn't deserve a second chance. I blamed myself for the mess my life had become and I hurt a lot over it. I made bad choices, following my guilt. I didn't think I deserved another T. In reality, I didn't. I deserved someone better for me. He deserved someone better for him, and I really do wish him every happiness.

Some days I still wish it could be me with him. That these past...almost 3 years... had never happened. Yet I see the lessons learned. Realize I chose to be with people absolutely wrong for me because I wanted to hurt myself. I thought I needed to hurt as much as I'd hurt him. And perhaps, in many ways, I did need to feel that. I needed to learn my lessons. I needed to see why someone like T really is who I need to be with. Only I needed to find me first and have that ability to stand up for myself.

I learned it the hard way. Through a selfish prick who really had no clue what he held for the short period he had it in his hands. He likely still doesn't, but in the end, it's me who's better off.

But I digress. I've been handed a second chance. One that for all intents and purposes eclipses the first effort by leaps and bounds. The similarities are there, that can't be denied, but I love T for a reason and it would do me know favors to not acknowledge that. He's smart, kind, hard working, responsible and my parents think he's great. We share so many interests and as an added bonus he wants to share them with me! J's dog is great, his family is wonderful and all in all our life goals are the same.

It brings me to tears to think how close I was to giving up the dream of finding someone so right for me. Someone who wants me to stand up for myself, rather than bend to whatever his whim is that day. Someone who sees my flaws, yet loves me. Someone who wants to share his life with me. But, not every waking minute like some of the freaks I'd met :)

Family fishing trips are back on, C has a new Uncle "Jeb"... well, it could be "Jep," one can't really tell. And I have that incredible feeling of love that I thought I'd never feel again - aside from a manufactured feeling believing "this is as good as it'll get."

Even work is cooperating. A new project is offering me the PM/BA roles and I'm leaping to take it. Training is being extensively discussed.

I'm still scared. Don't get me wrong. We were supposed to be cohabitating by now. Things changed and I see now it was all for the best. It's created a fear for me, however. A belief that moving in together may destroy the good thing we have. We'll take each other for granted and the warm fuzzies will fade into bitterness and regret. I can't handle that a second time. I just want to live and enjoy the way things are right now. The next step can wait. Some days, forever seems too soon.

Yes, that's still the guilt talking. No matter if J calls my cats his and his dog ours, the fear is there. Why wreck something so perfect?

posted by Erin @ 8:13 PM