Cube with a blocked view.

Surprise!

I still care about my ex husband. I hurt that he's remarrying. Well, ok, this may not be indicative of me caring about him. It could mean that I'm jealous that he's moved on and found someone new. I'm hurt that he might (yes, might) treat her better. I question why he didn't think I deserved better from him.

And I worry that it'll happen again. I'm dealing with him getting remarried. I'm dealing with it badly, but I'm trying to deal with it. Given my lack of life direction, it's hard to see someone so sure of theirs. In a way, he's trying to have the "perfect" life. Wife, etc. It's how he sees his value. Possessions. In a way, he views a wife as a possession as well. Not completely, but let's face it, he didn't see it as a partnership.

I'm also dealing with a relationship that's changing. The honeymoon phase is gone. The more I look at my past and the future, the more frightened I become. I'll eventually get over this bizarre feeling of betrayal. I don't want to have to do it again in the future. Am I predicting a failed relationship? Not really. The possibility of it is enough to make me want to bail.

Am I in too deep already? Heck yeah. It would hurt to know that J went on to marry someone else.

Do I want to be married? I dunno. I made such a failure out of the first one, I don't really feel up to trying it again. In fact, the prospect of living together is frightening enough. It doesn't help that neither of our current residences are optimal for co-habitation. We would drive each other nuts in his house and T would drive us nuts in my house.

There's a part of me ready to flee again. Disappear. Make myself a real hermit. A Finding Forrester-ish, agoraphobic, "I hate the world and all of the people in it so leave me the heck alone" disappearing. A high rise apartment with books, plants and my cats. The anonymity of a city where I know no one.

The gradual fading of my memory from the rest of the world.

Heh, that indicates I think I hold any memory space in the world.

After 10 years with someone who forgot me as easily as he did, why do I deceive myself?

posted by Erin @ 12:44 PM