Thursday, June 23, 2005

Everything you wanted to know...

But were afraid to ask about my divorce.

Just kidding, I'm not going that in-depth into it for now. I do want to explain something that a few people find hard to understand. My ex and I are still friendly.

I can never explain the situation when we met. There are some things that will remain private. But I fell in love with him and we married. I was naive. Really naive and I just figured a marriage would work. It had to. I wasn't going to get a divorce (ha ha, funny joke, Fate).

Time went on and I still cared about him because he's that same person I married. But the marriage didn't work. Plain and simple. And I learned a valuable lesson. Work and commitment is essential to a marriage, but it'll only save a marriage if both are willing. And if the two people can communicate. As much as I like to think I was good at that, looking back, I wasn't. Another lesson learned - sacrificing everything to make someone happy, doesn't make me happy.

Which is why I'm doing the stuff I'm doing - toastmasters in particular. I need the confidence to speak up for myself and not just at work.

But I digress. The marriage failed due to both of us mucking things up. I can't look myself in the eye (good thing that's physically impossible without a mirror) if I totally blame him.

And how do I justify hating someone who meant so much to me? I've had guys decide that because I don't hate him, there's a chance of reconciliation. Well, no. We tried counselling three times. This isn't just a whim. The first time we went into counselling was shortly after the move to edmonton. Then again a couple years ago. Then again last fall after a week long vacation in the mountains ended with us barely speaking. Part of that had to do with work. Looking back, making myself available several times a day for conference calls when cell reception is spotty at best ( and for a couple days involved about an hour in the truck to find ), probably wasn't my best decision.

Hate is a costly emotion. It's usually combined with anger and together they make a person bitter and lonely. Is there any purpose to me hating my ex? Don't get me wrong, I've been angry, I've had my moments when I hated him - a week in the rain in a 5th wheel. But to let that consume me and define who I am makes no sense. To let that cause more hurt to someone who doesn't deserve it any more than I do is ridiculous. The marriage failed. We're dealing with it as best we can, and for my own sanity....I don't hate him.

The counsellor once talked to me about forgiving him. I like to think I've found that, along with strenth, independence and maturity.

I know a typical divorce involves animosity and bitterness. It involves fighting and hurtful words. But what does that gain the people involved? A sense of well being created by destroying another person? Bitterness and anger that prevent the parties from moving on because they're so hurt, jealous and betrayed by the other person's actions that they feel a need to get even?

I may have been hurt by people who don't understand why I did things the way I did and fear the situation, but for me that's much easier to live with than not being able to look at myself in the mirror every morning. When it comes down to it, I need to respect me and the decisions I've made. I'm working on that. But when it comes to the end of my marriage, I have no doubts that I handled things as best as I could for those involved. Those not involved....well, I understand protecting yourself from hurt. I just wish that didn't involve ME getting hurt.


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