Friday, May 27, 2005

I don't have green eyes...I swear

So, my ex.

He's been spending a lot of time with a married woman. They spent a night together in Houston. Why do you need to know this? Well.... you probably don't. There are things I wish I didn't know.

But I do. I know she left her husband this week. I know my ex was going to go out with her tonight, until she had to cancel. And I find myself angry. He's been very vocal about me starting dating 3 months after he and I separated. Yet he has no problems with her spending the night with him while she still lived with her husband.

My question is, why am I jealous? I wanted him to move on. To be happy. But I'm starting to see that for right now, my friendship with him has to end. It's just making it harder on both of us to move on. And I don't need to know about his private life anymore. My friend called me a "glutton for punishment." She's right. I was just a little too stubborn to listen. Go figure.

But I'm learning. Slowly but surely. I'm learning that I kinda like my own company. In a short 4-8 weeks, I'll have furniture in the new place... Ok, closer to 2-6 weeks now. And I'll be able to stretch out on my sofa and cross stitch in front of the fire. I'm getting more and more comfortable with the idea of me going to Europe by myself next fall. Even looking at taking some Italian language courses. Ok, I'm past comfortable - I'm excited. Same with my trip to Halifax this December. Excited.

The first time I went out to eat by myself was hard, but sushi just isn't the same at home by myself. So I plunked myself at a table and ate...slowly because chopsticks are a tad difficult to manouver when one is shaking. But each subsequent time has been easier and easier. Such a small thing, huh? Just not something I've had to do much.

So, this whole thing has shown me how strong I really am. It's kinda teaching me patience even. Earlier I tried to rush things a couple times. I ended up hurt. I still hurt over the one incident because I'm still not sure what happened. Never really been good with confusion. Just like answers. And honest ones. I guess part of the hurt I feel is that someone I put my trust in may have been dishonest with me. And I was stupid enough to fall for it. That still bugs me.

And I'm frustrated. Which brings us back to impatience. The fact that I'm separated has been a problem for more than one guy I've dated. The one coulda mentioned that little fact a little earlier than he did. Might've saved me a lot of hurt. But maybe he tried to give me the benefit of the doubt. In his defence, I wasn't ready to start something at that point anyway. I wanted to be ready. I wanted to move on, put my marriage in the past and forget about the whole feeling of failure thing.

Because I did fail. And for me that was hard to accept. When I moved to Calgary to go to school, Dad thought he'd be going back to Calgary to move me back. He underestimated my will to succeed. And my fear of their disapproval. Not only did I finish school (with honors!), I stayed in Calgary when I was done. I survived the breakup with my high school sweetheart and probably made a few mistakes after that, but I was determined I wouldn't fail. And I didn't. Until now. Or 7 months ago. Pretty big thing to fail at.

So that's where I'm at now. Trying to accept my failure. Trying to accept that the one thing I always took to be the truth - a marriage will succeed if you're willing to work at it - is only true if both parties feel that way.

Ok, I've been serious enough for tonight. I've gotta run some stuff to the new place and get back here before Dad gets here. That's my family. He's almost done seeding. My brother will finish this weekend and Dad's coming to help. A good thing considering I'm not the only sick one. My friend's boyfriend is on antibiotic shots and can't make it to help move, which means she has no place to stay in the city so I lose two movers. Plus my strep throat makes me a little less productive. But I've moved enough through the week that we should be ok tomorrow. Mostly just furniture left, I've moved a lot of the boxes and things that fit in my car.


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