Cube with a blocked view.

The girl I used to be

First off...when I travel, I really need to remember to take notepaper. A weekend at "home" what a perfect time to reflect and get some stuff on paper. I know, I know. I'm a geekess, Shouldn't I be more inclined to just put fingers on keys rather than pen to paper.

Two words... Dial up.

High speed internet hasn't quite hit rural saskatchewan yet. Dad has considered satellite, since cable just isn't available to them out there, but the cost is prohibitive so far. This means I spent the weekend with a smoking fast computer & dial-up. Somwhat like taking a ferrari on Saskatchewan grid roads.

Before I get on with the main event, I've gotta tell you about the most important part of my weekend. Cameron Ross. The sweetest little blue-eyed guy in my family. Although he doesn't have a lot of competition, my brother's the only other blue-eyed guy.

So auntie Erin finally caved Saturday morning and held the little guy. (Hey, I was finally healthy enough to!) He didn't freak out at all! And when I asked him if he was going to be a giggler like Auntie Erin, he just giggled. Works for me. Fine, I know he's only 4.5 months old. Maybe he's got intelligence along with beauty.

He's been baptized. I was there to witness it. I even managed to sit through Catholic Mass without a single bolt of lightning. Ok, perhaps the concern over whether I was wearing appropriate underwear for the occasion had Him laughing too hard to punish me. I do have to say that the new priest in town is great. Much better than the old one. Hopefully they manage to keep this guy for awhile.

The rest of my weekend can be summed up in one word - Changes.

Not even sure where to start on this. I noticed Mom had finally taken down my brother and my grad pictures. She's replacing them with the grandson. The hard part is adjusting to the fact that over the next few years my "home" will cease to exist as my brother and his family move out to the farm and take over. Change is good and it would be great for them to be out there instead of in town. At the same time, it's my home. I feel like someone should've asked me if it was ok. Yeah, sure. What would my answer have been? Of course! Besides, I have no interest in the place anymore. I think in the will I get the china or something. Go figure. Like I really need a farm though.

I went for a walk sunday afternoon. After the rain on Saturday, everything was so green. It was great to see. I wandered north west of the yard to the old dugout. It's now pretty much pushed in and filled up with stuff.

Of course, the hedge where my cocky teenaged ass was tossed from the back of a 20 year old mare is still there. The barn still sits in the yard, but i t no longer is used for horses. Just machinery storage and greenhouse supplies. Oh, and a good hunting ground for the two cats.

I looked at the hayloft and remembered the fearless girl I was. Running up and down those straw covered stairs after cats, kittens and dogs. We used to play in the bales. Endless games of hide and seek. Then we'd climb down the side of the barn using a rope. I'd catch frogs, catepillars and snakes; climb trees and help my brother build tree houses. Yup, houses. We had two. I'm not sure how helpful I really was back then.

My friend Tracy and I used to pick flowers and have pretend weddings in the front yard. Her favorite flower was marigolds. She'd go home stuffed up every time because she was allergic to the stupid things.

I used to walk miles and miles with Lady, my old dog. I used to have a huge crush on a guy who worked at a local farm. So when he was hauling grain for them, I'd be out walking. Hoping he'd stop and talk to me. He usually did.

Mom and dad have a new pup now - Tinkerbelle. Smart little german shepherd cross. Not sure what she's crossed with, but she's just a tiny thing. And her feet aren't very big at all so she won't get much bigger. Oh well. She's a pretty little thing. And I spent the weekend teaching her to sit. Then I started in on the bad stuff - had her stiting on my lap on the chair. She was well behaved. Put her little puppy head on my shoulder and just let me pet her. What a suck. Set her back on the ground and she didnt' jump up again. She doesn't bark at cars in the yard yet. Just the cats, because they won't play with her.

I wanted to take her for a walk, but it just wasn't the same as never being sure what Lady would chase out of the bushes at me.

Another change this year. Water. There's a pond across the road we used to skate on years ago. Then it gradually dried up. It's where my brother first knocked me out. Fine, it's the only time he's ever knocked me out. We used to pull a toboggan behind the snowmobile and he liked to go over on the ice and do donuts. So he did. With me on behind.

Oh...it was great fun. Until the toboggan caught snow or the ice or something and flipped. Next think I knew, my brother was shaking me and begging me not to tell our parents. So with a fat lip and a bruised melon, I agreed. Besides, I always looked up to him. Followed him around and generally annoyed him. I probably would've agreed to almost anything.

When I look at what he's been through and the person he is today, I can't help but continues to look up to him.

We all grow up, times change, and we can't go back.

I never thought it would be hard for me to go home. But it is. Last night, Mom came into the house and caught the end of a phone conversation between me and a Newfie friend who's heading north for the summer for work. I got the third degree about him being a boyfriend. Then they ask about my ex all the time.

First, the Newf...not a boyfriend. He's a friend. A nice guy...even though he backed out of helping me move. Second, my ex...not going to be getting back together with him. So stop asking. Sheesh.

posted by Erin @ 3:11 PM