Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Wow, do I need direction

I feel somewhat lost in a sea of people who know what they want and where they're going in life. I'm just here, bobbing along, unhappy with the status quo but not sure how to fix it.

I guess most important is my grandfather. He's had cancer for a couple of years now and opted to do nothing about it. Now it isn't good. He was taken to the city a couple days ago because the small town hospital could no longer do anything for him and he needs greater pain management. It's sad watching him and knowing that the end is coming. It's what he wants. But it is extremely painful to watch.

Add in a little family feud between my family and Dad's brother's family. They appear to believe that all decisions being made about Grandpa are wrong, but want nothing more to do with it than argue about it and point fingers. The next few months prove to be extremely stressful for my parents and brother's family. I seem to be left out of it because I'm so far away, but I still get Mom venting at me about how they're being treated. Merry Christmas!

I'm starting to rethink my decision to leave development. It was a mistake. I'm directionless and really a fish out of water in the BA role. I may have to talk to my new team lead about programming roles in the new team.

The wedding is postponed/called off for now. Not because of any actual problems. I just question why I'm getting married when I'm not sure I believe in the institution. Throw in my issues with saying vows I've already shown mean nothing with a divorce, and it really makes sense to just not do it at this point. While I'd love to have a pretty new dress and throw a party, it probably isn't the best reason to get married :) Don't get me wrong, I love him and I'm absolutely crazy about him, but I also have to be true to what I want. Luckily he doesn't care.

My writing. Ugh. I've been trying so hard to get this off the ground again. It's going nowhere. I have no plot, no characters, no conflict...nothing. But the prevalence of my night terrrors indicate I have something going on in my head, it's just opted to stay in my subconscious rather than coming out to play. Great.

Travel. Yeah, we're planning a trip for J's birthday. What? I have no idea. Right now it looks like a last minute deal somewhere warm and beachy.


At 7:29 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should come to Punta Cana with us.


At 1:21 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I truly hope that you find what you are looking for. You have it in you. You just have to find it.


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