Friday, July 22, 2005

It's good being me.

Yeah, I have the odd thing I whine about, complain about. My life may not be perfect, but it's good being me.

Why? You might ask. I mean I am on the road to divorce, trying to date again, I have insane cats and even crazier friends. My family doesn't agree with all my decisions in life, and my mom hates my new place. I have limited living room furniture and a car that needs a washing. And if you read the blog below, you'll find I don't quite live up to an ideal.

But, I'm me. I have a big heart, a great sense of humor, a healthy dose of curiousity and (my personal favorite) intelligence. 12 years ago, I took a path that was slightly less travelled by the female population and I became a computer geek. Really, it was ideal - painfully shy, I could hide behind a computer screen and let someone else do all the customer contact stuff. Ok... it was ideal if that were the real way this industry works. It isn't. Customer service and client contacts have become a way of life for me and we all know I'm working on my skills in that area thanks to toastmasters.

But the end result is still the same. I have a job I love. I know the divorce situation likely makes me appear to be a woman who took a man who loved her for all he was worth. Well, let me put that little myth to rest right now. Throughout the marriage, our incomes were equivalent. Sometimes he made more, sometimes I made more. We had separate bank accounts and he paid for somethings, I paid for others, always trying to keep things as even as possible. He paid for the house, I paid for the car, the boat and the groceries.

When the marriage ended, he took half, I took half. So what I have now, I have paid for and I now pay for on my own. I don't receive spousal support and I never asked for that from him. My car is paid for, my condo is not. The only real debt I have is my mortgage as I hate debt.

I have a good job. A very good job, that I love. I like what I do. Yep, you read that right. I like what I do and I'm good at it. Likely too good for the most part as I was just lamenting to a friend this morning that I'm not challenged in my work anymore. Ok, web dev in Notes was a challenge for me, but it's all object oriented programming. The concepts are the same. The language used is slightly different - like learning to speak newfie.

Perhaps this is the source of my recent restlessness. I'm not being challenged in either my professional or personal life. Maybe this is why my vacation was such a success even if I'm lacking stories from it. It was a challenge to me. It forced me to do something I wasn't completely comfortable with. It forced me out of this comfort zone I've dug myself into.

Maybe that's why I'm looking to foster a dog again. Doing something for someone other than myself. Helping another of God's critters by providing what we consider the basics for human survival. Giving myself a purpose and the added bonus of someone to go home to at the end of the day.

It's sad when I think back and the compliments that have meant the most to me are things like, "You are the best Notes programmer I know besides myself," from a former co-worker I looked up to. "You seem competent enough," from Igloo boy just this morning, and finally, "when I'm gone these calls will come to you because you're the only one who can do them," from a current co-worker who is moving to another team.

I'm smart. I'm good at my job. But how does that define me as a person? If I failed the bus test tomorrow (for all those uninitiated...the bus test is better known to geeks as "if this person gets hit by a bus tomorrow, can our company continue with little disruption"), is that what I really want to be remembered for?

Well, that's enough belly button gazing for one day. Not sure what the point is other than I like my life but I'm not sure I should :)


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