Friday, April 15, 2005

Wow, two posts again today

I don't post for a week, then all of a sudden I have tons to say. This is more to help my thought processes so again it could be emotional and highly sensitive. If you are involved in a sushi night with me in the next few days, you may not want to know the following information. And no, that doesn't mean make sure you read it!

Last night I was upset and T was online. My ex, T. Well, I guess I should back up a bit...

On Wednesday, my brother had his surgery to get his thyroid removed. Yesterday afternoon, I finally tracked down my parents to find out how it went, how he was doing. Good news, of course, but still there's always that worry. Especially when they tell you they'll call, get your cell number so they can, and they don't. So... back to the good news. I was happy. I had two people available to tell at that time (online, don't really get into this with my coworkers). So I told both. One was my ex.

Then I sat there and suddenly felt like crying. It was the realization that I really had no one to share the good news with, or bad news, anymore. When I got home, the only hugs I'd get would be from the critters. How alone does that make a person feel? Yeah, I know, some people live like that all the time. It's an adjustment for me.

Bored and alone last night, I saw my ex was online. So I said hi. From there, the conversation left me in tears. We just talked about stuff. The house, the cats... and reconciliation. On second thought today, maybe I shouldn't have had those couple drinks...

Yeah, we talked about reconciliation and trust. He doesn't trust me. That much was clear before he ever moved out. Not because I ever cheated on him, or lied to him. He just got suspicious as we went through counselling. Felt I was pulling away and wanted a reason for it. A reason to get angry at me. And now that he knows I've been on a couple dates, that trust won't be any easier to come by.

My anger at him for the way he treated me for all those years. That's not going to just go away. We both realize that. And the additional little bit of trust I lost in him during the brier. I know he says nothing happened with her, and she is married, but dammit, why was she calling him on his cell phone to find out how the curling was? Why did he take HER to the semi-final and final instead of me. Yeah, I know....hypocrit that I am. But I never lied to him about having dates. And I'm not sure yet that he's been completely honest with me. Would I be angry at him for seeing other people, no. It would feel weird, but we both have to move on sometime.

Then he asked what I missed about the marriage. I answered - I missed having someone to share stuff with and do stuff with. I asked him the same - he misses cuddling with me, having my head on his chest. Hmmm, both are kinda person irrelevant. Do we actually miss each other or just the comfort and closeness a marriage brings? So I asked that. And he didn't have an answer.

At what point did we stop loving each other and just become friends? Well, I'm pretty sure I know when that happened for me. But when did it happen for him? The least he coulda said was he missed my giggle or something ;)


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