Saturday, March 12, 2005

He never thought I'd leave

OK, this didn't take's my first rant on my Ex. Yup...T.

Before I go too far back in time. Let's start with the separation. We left the counsellor that day and he dropped me off at the dealership to pick up my car - getting a warranty inspection done on it. Funny the things I'll never forget. I finished up there and drove home. I found a suitcase by the door and my ex packing up. At this point it was a temporary separation and he was off to find a hotel.

That was hard for me. For all the hurt I felt for everything that happened, I was watching someone I loved walk out the door. Yes, I loved him. Enough to be married to him? Probably not. My mistake and I won't hold him responsible for that.

Shortly before this point, he and I had had a...well...discussion that lasted for a couple hours. He told me that night that he worried about me if things ended between he and I. He didn't think I could take care of myself. Nice huh? Now I see that as an attempt to scare me into staying with him. I am a strong person and only time will tell how truly strong I can be.

Anyway, in October, he left and that started an incredibly turbulent roller coaster ride of emotions for me. Happiness, guilt, hurt. Friends have told me they haven't seen me this happy in years. Yet they aren't there when I have to deal with telling family that I've separated. How about my grandparents? They don't see the tears when I have to answer endless questions from my parents on how things are going. If I'm still in counselling with him, why we're selling the house... They don't have to deal with hearing that my Dad said "this is your uncle T, too bad you'll never get a chance to know him," when T met my new nephew for the first time. How's that for guilt? Look Erin, it's not just you and T involved. You're taking him out of our lives too.

Anyway, backing up again... one night after the separation, he came to the house and we talked. I don't really remember that conversation anymore. I just remember the sudden realization that he felt he never had to worry about what I wanted because he never thought I'd leave him. So I said that to him.

And he agreed.

Imagine knowing that the person you loved and compromised sooooooo much for over 7 years, never cared enough about you to just want to make you happy. No, he was always more concerned with manipulating you so you agreed to what HE wanted...all the while promising next time...

We'll pay off the boat and then travel.
We'll pay off the fifth wheel and then travel.

Oh, he always had rational reasons for it. We want to start a family. If we have to camp in a tent we won't go and we won't use the boat.

And don't get me started on the boat. A purchase made when I was working for a start up company that was in the process of cutting our wages... But sure, let's throw a boat on credit and hey... we'll pay for it with MY account. Yup, that and my car. No pressure Erin. Don't worry about losing your job...But when it all comes down to it...what I wanted never mattered to him. Making me happy was never a priority as long as he was happy.

It explains a lot. It explains why when my brother was in the Tom Baker Cancer centre in Calgary, T went hunting and left me there visiting my brother alone. It explains why the first year we were in Edmonton, he went hunting in Saskatchewan instead of going to my company christmas party with me. For a company I worked for for 3 months, but never in their office as I was contracted out to another company. It explains why he would use his 3 weeks vacation every year to go hunting... for three long weeks every year; plus weekend after weekend.

All because he never thought I'd be strong enough to walk away.

But I did walk away.

I am strong enough.


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